by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

When You Don’t Know What’s Going On, CHOOSE Something REAL

Most of the things you don’t know don’t matter.

Think about that for a second:

How much time do we waste agonising over unanswered and unanswerable questions, overanalysing someone else’s behaviour, or spinning stories to explain things that are, quite frankly, unknowable?

When you don’t have all the answers, your brain will fill in the blanks – it’s part of how humans are wired: we find ourselves in an open loop and our minds try to close them.

Here’s a lesson, though: what you fill those blanks with can either serve you or sabotage you.

This is where understanding REALNESS comes into play:

Life isn’t about being ‘perfect’ or knowing it all; it’s about living in alignment with what’s real – real in your relationship with yourself, real to the world, and real in terms of moving towards wholeness.

When you don’t know something, the most real thing you can do is choose beliefs that support your growth, rather than letting your mind run wild with assumptions that hold you back and cause you to doubt yourself or get lost in F.E.A.R (“False Evidence Appearing Real”).

Let’s explore how to stop defaulting to destructive projections and start filling the blanks in ways that keep you real, grounded, and growing so you can stay in the FLOW of your REAL life.

Projection: The Lens That Warps Reality

Imagine this: you’re walking down the street, and someone you know passes you without saying hello – maybe they even seem to avoid eye contact or they scuttle off in a suspicious manner.

What’s your first reaction?

• “Did I do something wrong?”
• “Do they hate me now?”
• “Why are people always so rude to me?”

Sound familiar?

This spiral is what happens when your brain takes the raw data (they didn’t say hello) and starts filling in the blanks with your own emotional baggage. Carl Jung call this projection and pointed out that much of what we see in the world is affected by this phenomenon: “Perception is projection” – your tendency to see your own fears, insecurities, or assumptions reflected in the world around you.

Here’s the truth: most of the time, their behaviour has nothing to do with you but your INTERPRETATION of it is affected by whatever is going on inside you (when you get SQUEEZED, the JUICE that comes out shows you what’s what about your inner world).

Maybe they were distracted, having a bad day, or didn’t even see you but, instead of considering these neutral explanations, we tend to reach for interpretations that reinforce our own insecurities. Why? Because it’s easier for the brain to assume the worst than to sit with uncertainty and ride through it and TRUST life to be real.

The Problem with Projections

Projection isn’t just inaccurate – it’s exhausting and eats into your ENERGY.

Here’s why:

1. It activates your “stuff.” When you assume someone’s behaviour is a personal slight, it taps into old wounds, insecurities, and fears. Instead of responding to reality, you’re reacting to your own emotional baggage and the need of the EGO to avoid underlying shame, guilt, and/or trauma and keep the SHADOW SELF at bay.
   
2. It creates unnecessary drama. By assuming the worst, you start treating the situation as though your story is true. This can lead to awkwardness, conflict, or even sabotaging relationships – you don’t ‘see’ what’s actually there but an extension and reflection of your F.E.A.R about yourself.
   
3. It wastes your energy. Every second spent ruminating over “why they did what they did” is a second you could’ve used to build something meaningful – your vision, your goals, your habits, and your REALNESS.

The REALNESS Response: Fill in the Blanks Wisely

Here’s the deal: when you don’t know why someone acted a certain way and you can’t find out (or don’t want to ask), you have two choices.

1. Default to a destructive projection (“They ignored me because I’m unworthy.”)
   
2. Consciously fill in the blanks with something that serves you.

The second option is an approach that’s more REAL – it’s not about being delusional or ignoring reality but about recognising that uncertainty is an invitation to choose your beliefs wisely (because all beliefs are CHOSEN anyway and the TRUTH is beyond belief).

The Three-Step Process to Fill in the Blanks

1. Pause and recognise the gap.
   When you catch yourself making assumptions, take a step back. Ask yourself, “Do I actually know why they acted this way, or am I guessing?” If the answer is “I don’t know”, congratulations – you’ve identified the gap.
   
2. Choose a belief that serves you.
   If you can’t know the truth, why not choose a story that empowers you? For example:
   
   
   • “Maybe they’re ignoring me because they’re shy, not because I’m unworthy.”
   
   
   • “Maybe they’re being rude because they had a bad day, not because I’ve done something wrong.”“
   
   
   • Maybe they didn’t respond to my text because they’re busy, not because they hate me.”
   
   These beliefs don’t have to be the truth (because you don’t know the truth) – they just have to keep you moving forward without dragging you down so you can get out of your head and back into the PROCESS of living your actual, real life.
   
3. Act in alignment with your REALNESS.
   Once you’ve chosen a belief that serves you, act in alignment with your REAL VISION for your life. If you assume the best, you’ll naturally respond with kindness, confidence, or neutrality – behaviours that align with wholeness and growth and allow you to keep being spontaneous and moving instead of holding back and hesitating because of some mental block.

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What If You’re “Delusional”?

Some people might say, “Isn’t this just being a little delulu (delusional)?”

And the answer is: not if you’re staying grounded in reality to the greatest extent possible (which, of course, means being honest with yourself).

The key is to balance optimism with REALNESS – don’t invent stories that completely detach you from reality (“They didn’t say hello because they’re secretly a spy avoiding detection!”).

Instead, choose explanations that are plausible and empowering (and remember that the idea is to just fill in the blank so your brain can stop scratching for answers and you can MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE).

Here’s an example:

• Delusional belief: “They ignored me because they’re an incognito spy working for the government.”
  
• Realistic and empowering belief: “Maybe they were distracted but their behaviour doesn’t define my worth so whatever.”

The point isn’t to sugarcoat reality or live in a fantasy world surrounded by magical unicorns – it’s to avoid unnecessary suffering by choosing beliefs that help you grow, rather than keeping you stuck.

Their Behaviour Speaks About Them—Not You

One of the most liberating truths you can embrace is this: other people’s behaviour is a reflection of them, not you.

• Someone being rude? That’s about their mood, their struggles, or their patterns – not your worth.
  
• Someone ignoring you? That’s about their priorities, distractions, or personality – not your value.

When you stop taking everything personally, you free yourself to live authentically – your energy shifts from obsessing over “why they did what they did” to focusing on your own growth and goals.

What you focus on grows and so redirecting your brain to where it can actually make a difference (instead of those unanswerable questions) can be the biggest gamechanger of all.

Practical Exercises to Stay Real

1. The “Pause and Reframe” Exercise
   Next time someone acts in a way you don’t understand, pause before reacting. Ask yourself:
   • “Do I actually know why they did that?”“Is there another explanation that’s more empowering?”
   Reframe the situation with a belief that serves you, then act on it and keep moving.
   
2. The Gratitude Flip
   When faced with uncertainty, practise gratitude for the opportunity to grow. For example:
   
   • “I’m grateful for the chance to practise not taking things personally”
   • “I’m grateful for the opportunity to choose my beliefs consciously”
     
     Basically: everything that happens – even the ‘bad’ stuff or the ‘difficult’ people we encounter are a LESSON in being more real in ourselves.
     
3. Do a THOUGHT LOG to stay real.
   There’s a free tool you can download on this site that helps you to TRAIN YOURSELF to catch you unreal thoughts and pivot into focusing on the REAL ‘stuff’ instead. Do this daily for at least thirty days and you’ll get much better at filling in those blanks with something that actually serves you.
   
   Enter your email and I’ll email it to you right away:
   

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The Bottom Line: Stay Real, Stay Free

Most of the things you don’t know don’t matter and you can get closure by accepting this- what does matter is how you choose to interpret the world when the answers aren’t clear.

When you stop projecting your fears and insecurities onto others, you free yourself to live in alignment with your REALNESS and – when you consciously fill in the blanks with beliefs that serve you – you turn uncertainty into an opportunity for growth.

Next time someone ignores you, acts rudely, or leaves you wondering what’s going on, take a breath.

Remember: their behaviour speaks about them, but your beliefs speak about you. Choose beliefs that keep you moving towards wholeness and don’t let anything unreal or unknown stop you in your tracks.

Stay real out there,