by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
‘Manning Up’ Might Be Just What You Need to Get UNSTUCK and GROW REAL
The phrase “man up” has become controversial in modern culture – some see it as outdated, or even ‘toxic’ but I think that’s just because they misunderstand it or they’ve filtered the whole concept through their emotions and it’s challenged them to face themselves.
In my own life, manning up and putting myself on a REAL path by facing reality and taking responsibility for working with it was the key to becoming the man I was meant to be (or, at the very least, somebody I’m happy to be).
It wasn’t about suppressing my emotions, acting like nothing ever hurt, or trying to do everything ‘alone’, nor was it about repressing who I really am for the sake of some ‘macho’ image (which I definitely don’t have if you’ve ever met me) – instead, it was about stepping up, taking responsibility, and living by real principles instead of running from life and all my FEARS about it (not the real thing).
Learning to man up in life isn’t about fitting into outdated stereotypes but about figuring out what’s REAL and then embracing it:
It’s about growing into the man you’re meant to be when you’re aligned with your own nature instead of just social programming and confusion – one who doesn’t get lost in weakness, fear, or excuses, but faces life head on and then brings more life to those around him.
Below, I’ll break down exactly what it means to man up in a way that leads to true purpose, trust, and REALNESS.
Each section contains some key lessons from my own journey, followed by a deeper dive into what it really means and some actionable steps to integrate these principles into your life.
Let’s man up in life:
1. Take responsibility. Don’t blame others. Own what’s yours and shape it in alignment with something REAL.
Blaming others just keeps you ‘stuck’ in a position of weakness and passivity – if you’re always pointing fingers at your past, your parents, society, or circumstances, you give away your power. This doesn’t mean that ‘bad’ things don’t and won’t happen to us but it does mean that once they have then it’s our responsibility to pick up the pieces and keep going.
A lot of people stay stuck in cycles of victimhood because it’s comfortable and allows them to stay in the familiarity of Ego and avoid facing the Shadow side of themselves. Essentially, when you blame others for where you are, then you don’t have to change (which is why it can be so attractive), but the truth is that nobody is coming to save you (and even if you believe in God then you still need to step out of your own way first to let that relationship thrive).
The sooner you accept all this, the sooner you can start shaping your life into something real. This isn’t about ignoring past injustices – it’s about refusing to let them define your future so you can keep growing and leaning into life instead of shrinking away because of what somebody else did.
What to do to man up in life:
- Stop complaining. Start problem-solving. Get a solution-focused mindset.
- Ask, “What can I do to change this?” and take REAL ACTION instead of “Why is this happening to me?” and freezing up.
- Build a life based on principles that give you reasons for moving forward, not excuses for holding back.
2. Take REAL action.
Dreaming about a better life is easy. Talking about it is cheap. But REAL action is what separates men from boys (‘Real’ action is action that’s aligned with your growth into wholeness, not things that are motivated by the fragmentation of ego and outdated identities).
A lot of guys get stuck in overthinking, waiting for the ‘perfect’ moment to before they start doing anything real but your REAL life doesn’t reward waiting – it rewards action (because that’s the only way you can get the RESULTS that you want).
When it comes to real action, you don’t need to know every step ahead of time – you just need to move by taking the next obvious step towards realness. As you do this, things will become more clear as action itself creates clarity more than thinking ever will. Action also builds momentum which means once you start taking it, your results will start to snowball and your life will get more-and-more real.
If you’re not taking real action toward something, then you’re just fooling yourself about really wanting it (which means your ego is involved at some level).
What to do to man up in life:
- Set a vision, break it down into goals, and take the first step immediately.
- Make decisions and stick to them.
- Create daily habits that support your growth.
- Stop waiting for permission – you don’t need it because you’re a MAN. Just start.
- Book a call with me if you need to figure out your next move.
3. Learn to TRUST when you can’t control things or through times of uncertainty.
There are two options in life at pretty much all times: trust or fear. Trusting doesn’t mean being passive – it means doing your best and then finding the strength to LET GO of whatever is outside of your out of your control.
REAL ACTION = “Do your best”
TRUST = “Let go of the rest”
Most people live in a state of constant anxiety, trying to control every detail of their lives but this is impossible and irrational because so much of our lives is beyond our control.
This means that real strength comes from discerning the difference between knowing when to act and when to let go. Trust is a muscle – when you learn to use it, you stop getting lost in fear and the need to force things as a reaction to this and start flowing with life instead.
The men who get ahead are the ones who trust that life will meet them halfway once they’ve done their part. Manning up in this context is about learning to stretch this trust muscle on the daily.
What to do to man up in life:
- Stop overthinking. Take action and trust that you’ll adapt when you need to.
- Let go of perfectionism. Do what you can, then let go of the rest (“do your best and let go of the rest”).
- Recognise that control is an illusion – lean into reality instead and TRUST it.
4. Do your best (real action) and let go of the rest (trust life).
Your job is to put the effort in when you can but the results are not always up to you. This is why you need to trust.
Let’s look at this again a little deeper:
Many men get trapped in frustration because they focus too much on outcomes but life doesn’t work that way because – even though we can choose the outcomes that we’re aiming for – the only thing we can really can control is how we engage with the PROCESS (that leads or doesn’t lead to outcomes).
Sometimes, we are so driven by underlying SHAME or even trauma, that we feel like we will only be ‘good enough’ if we attain certain goals or outcomes – this is what makes us outcome-dependent, believing that our self-worth can be outsourced into certain goals. This just holds us back though because when we’re overly-attached to getting somewhere we can’t focus on the journey towards attaining it.
Actually, if we’re real, we can ACCEPT OURSELVES UNCONDITIONALLY and still move forwards – this allows us to LET GO and to focus on doing what we can with emotional clarity. The way to do this is to know our goals but to relax into the process (of doing our best and letting go of the rest).
What this means is that you have to put in the work, but you also have to let go of the need to force everything. Again, trusting life isn’t weakness – it’s understanding that you can’t control everything. Once you stop trying to grip everything so tightly, you’ll be free to move with real power and way less tension and stress.
What to do to man up in life:
- Focus on what you can do – not what you wish you could do.
- Accept that failure is part of the process—keep moving forward.
- Stop stressing over outcomes—trust the process.
- Accept that you won’t always have the answers – wait until the next step reveals itself instead of forcing things.
5. Get a sense of PURPOSE (this is what gives a man’s life structure) and create goals and habits to support it.
Without purpose, you drift; without structure, you stagnate. That’s just how it is.
What this means is that you need to create a real VISION or sense of purpose about where you’re headed and then be disciplined, focused, and consistent with taking real action on the goals and habits that will allow you to make it happen (to the best of your ability).
A man without purpose is a man who is easily controlled and who becomes an EFFECT of the world, not a CAUSE within it:
He’s lost, grasping at distractions (video games, porn, meaningless relationships, empty jobs, etc.), chasing temporary highs instead of building something meaningful and REAL.
Purpose is what gives your life a backbone and gives you something to strive toward, something that shapes your daily actions. Without it, life becomes empty. But with it, you become dangerous in the best way possible – focused, disciplined, and unstoppable.
What to do to man up in life:
- Find what truly matters to you and build your life around it.
- Set goals and commit to them daily.
- Stop chasing distractions – focus on long-term vision and keep growing daily.
- Check out my free 7-day course with 158-page workbook to figure out your vision.
6. Stop caring about the opinions of others but know when to listen to the lessons other people share and to take them onboard when necessary.
Caring too much about what others think will keep you paralysed because absolutely everybody has an opinion. This is why you need to listen to life and then yourself first and foremost.
Of course, there’s a fine line between ignoring all feedback and being overly dependent on others’ approval – you need to get to the point where you can walk this line in a REAL way.
You don’t need to explain yourself to everyone, but you should remain open to valuable insight from those who have real experience. The key is knowing who to listen to and who to ignore.
Either way, the bottom line is to keep doing this:
1.Uncover the TRUTH
2. Live the TRUTH
If people can help you to do this that’s awesome but – at the end of the day – it’s up to you.
What to do to man up in life:
- Stop explaining yourself to people who haven’t earned the right to question you.
- When receiving advice, ask: “Does this person live in a way I respect?”
- When receiving criticism, ask: “Would I take advice from this person?” – if not, then the criticism can probably be ignored too.
- Trust your gut, but keep refining your wisdom through learning where it counts: REAL ACTION.
7. Stop justifying yourself to others – as long as you know your reasons for doing things, then that’s all you need.
You don’t owe the world an explanation.
One of the biggest traps men fall into is needing validation before they act but when you’re REAL you TRUST YOURSELF and TRUST LIFE.
As long as you know that your actions align with your values and moral principles, you don’t need the world’s approval. The more you justify yourself, the more you invite doubt and questions that will feed into ego and cause you to hold back and hesitate. Stop asking for permission and just do what needs to be done.
What to do to man up in life:
- Ask yourself, “Do I truly believe in what I’m doing?” If yes, stop explaining, keep doing.
- Let your actions speak louder than your words – don’t talk to people about things when you could be doing them.
- Move in silence – they don’t seek applause before you’ve achieved something. Do the work and let the results speak for themselves.
8. Set boundaries by saying ‘No’ to things that go against your values and principles.
No boundaries, no backbone:
If you can’t say “No”, you’ll end up living for other people instead of yourself and the people that you care about. Unreal ‘men’ bend to every request, fearing conflict or rejection (usually because they have ‘Daddy Issues‘) but strong men know that “No” is a complete sentence; they don’t waste time, energy and attention – their most precious assets – on things that drain them or go against their values and principles.
If you can’t set boundaries, you’ll never build a life you truly want so start saying “No” to the unreal ‘stuff’ and “YES” to the real things!
What to do to man up in life:
- Identify your core values and make them non-negotiable.
- Know your purpose and commit to the goals and habits that will fulfil it.
- Practise saying “No” without feeling guilty.
- Remember: Every yes to something real is a no to something unreal.
9. Do things, don’t just talk about doing them (and don’t talk about things until they’re DONE or people will try and talk you out of it etc.).
Talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words.
The more you talk about what you want to do without actually doing it, the more you set yourself up for failure and the more you’ll seem untrustworthy (because people around you will hear the talking but won’t see the results).
Talking about your ‘plans’ can feel like progress, but it’s just noise without that REAL ACTION – it invites doubt, criticism, and unnecessary attention. When you keep things to yourself and focus on execution, you build momentum and can stay in the process of getting where you need to be.
When you finish something, then you can talk about it however you like – until then, let your results speak for themselves and focus on the work, not the planning.
What to do to man up in life:
- Commit to doing – not just talking.
- Keep your plans private until you’ve made significant progress.
- Develop a “finish what I start” mindset and take pride in completing what you start.
10. Embrace your emotions but don’t be controlled by them – emotions are just emotions (“e-motion, energy in motion”).
Emotions are a natural and beautiful ‘part’ of being a real human being, but they shouldn’t dictate your life.
This is where we run into a common conception about men being ‘vulnerable’ with their emotions:
Being ‘vulnerable’ doesn’t mean being enmeshed with your emotions or identifying with them – it means having them but not being them.
All emotions are fine and healthy (literally, all of them) but being stuck in them or putting them on a pedestal will ruin your life because it stops you moving and taking real action. Emotions are fragments, not the whole. A man only holds onto what is whole.
If you treat the fragments as the whole, you will run into problems…
Too many men are either suppressing their feelings or allowing their emotions to overwhelm them – both of which are unhealthy and unreal. The key is balance.
Emotions are like the weather – temporary and constantly changing. Vulnerability isn’t about wearing your emotions on your sleeve, it’s about accepting them as part of your human experience, without letting them hijack your actions or decisions.
Real strength and manning up in life comes from acknowledging your feelings, but not allowing them to control your path or take you off it and so, regardless of your ‘feelings’ – which will pass, your PURPOSE is still what you want (and this won’t pass because it’s REAL and making you WHOLE).
What to do to start manning up in life:
- Accept your emotions without being controlled by them.
- Don’t identify with your feelings – recognise them as temporary.
- Practice emotional regulation by observing your feelings without reacting impulsively.
- Regulate your nervous system with yoga or some other somatic practice so that you can handle your emotional ‘stuff’ better.
11. Learn the difference between FATE and DESTINY – accept what can’t be changed in your life (Fate) but know that you have the power of CHOICE which leads to Destiny.
Some things are out of your control, but your choices always remain yours.
Fate is what you cannot change – your birth circumstances, genetics, some of the hardships you’ve endured. Destiny, on the other hand, is the path you choose to take based on how you respond to those circumstances.
(Another way I like to say it is that FATE is the cards you’ve been dealt and your DESTINY is how you choose to play them).
It’s easy to fall into the trap of feeling helpless about your life as a man (or anybody else, for that matter) but once you realise that your choices matter, you’ll understand that your destiny is built on your decisions.
It’s never too late to choose a new path and if you want to MAN UP then you need to embrace the power of choice that we all have to keep things REAL.
What to do to man up in life:
- Accept the past and what you cannot change.
- Own your future by taking real action when you can.
- Take ownership of your choices and their consequences without blame etc.
- Act in line with your values, knowing that your future is shaped by the CHOICES you make today..
12. Take advice from other strong men (“Iron sharpens iron”).
When it comes to advice about being a man then talk to other men that are doing it in a way that you can respect – not women (who don’t know what it’s like to be a man or have assumptions based on what they want from men) or weak men (who have been listening only to women or have unresolved daddy issues).
You need to learn from those who are living life in a REAL way and – more importantly – from those that won’t be scared to tell you the TRUTH (and to hear it from you if need be). This is what we mean by “iron sharpens iron” (from the book of Proverbs originally so it’s time-tested advice).
While advice is available from many sources, the most valuable counsel comes from those who have walked the path you’re on—or one similar. Strong men, successful men, and men who are happy in their own REALNESS are the ones whose guidance will help you grow.
Listening to those who are unfulfilled, bitter, or living with unresolved issues will only drag you down. Surround yourself with people who challenge you, motivate you, and help you see the next step in your journey.
You can judge the quality of a tree by it’s FRUIT – if what’s coming out isn’t real then there’s not much chance that you’re going to get anything real out of turning to it.
What to do to man up in life:
- Seek mentorship from men you respect for REAL reasons (not ego ‘stuff’).
- Avoid seeking validation from those who don’t believe in themselves.
- Be selective about your circle – surround yourself with men who inspire you.
13. Get a bias for action and don’t overthink things. Once you’ve committed to something then stick to it unless something goes completely wrong with it (i.e. it’s dangerous or will screw your life up). Let your ‘Yes’ be a Yes and your ‘No’ be a no.
Perfectionism is paralysis – you don’t have to know everything (which is literally impossible), you just have to start and learn as you keep moving forward (like jumping off a mountain and building a helicopter on the way down).
Many men get stuck in analysis paralysis, endlessly overthinking every decision until nothing gets done -this is a trap and it’s usually caused by filtering everything through identity (ego) instead of seeing reality clearly.
You don’t need to have every answer before taking action; you need to commit and trust yourself to adapt as you go (“do your best and let go of the rest”).
Once you’ve decided on something, follow through with confidence and stick to what you’ve said you’ll do. Stop second-guessing yourself – let your word be your bond (at the very least to yourself) and take pride in your commitment.
What to do to man up in life:
- Stop overthinking decisions – take action and learn as you go.
- Commit to your decisions and don’t look back.
- Cultivate confidence in your choices by taking consistent action, not waiting for perfection.
14. Spend some time in solitude so you can see what needs processing and what life is teaching you.
Solitude is the space where growth and clarity happen – it’s where you can face life head on and process whatever you’re currently dealing with as the unconscious mind becomes conscious (which is always happening as we’re always on a journey towards more wholeness – unfortunately, we block this process with unnecessary distraction).
We’re often distracted by the noise of social media, friends, and constant (unreal) activity but solitude is where you can truly process what’s going on inside you. It’s essential for self-reflection and for understanding the lessons life is teaching you.
Spending time alone allows you to reconnect with yourself, separate from external influences – in this space, you’ll find the answers to questions you’ve been avoiding and can begin to heal from past wounds and uncover new ways to move into you realest future.
What to do to man up in life:
- Schedule regular time alone to reflect and process your thoughts.
- Use solitude to check in with yourself – what are you avoiding, and why?
- Make solitude a part of your life, not as an escape, but as a source of clarity and growth.
- Get out in nature. Journal. Whatever. Gift yourself some time to yourself and life.
15. Accept that there will be pain in life but that you make it worse by trying to run away from it. This is just how it is.
Pain and struggle are inevitable in life, but suffering is often optional.
Life comes with hardship – that’s definitely not up for debate…how you handle it, however, determines how much it impacts you.
Running from pain only delays it and often makes it worse when it catches up. To MAN UP, you need to learn to face pain head-on, understand it, and grow through it. Every challenge is an opportunity to evolve, but only if you don’t resist the process.
Embrace the discomfort as part of your journey and remember that what’s real is always real so the only thing that pain can take from you is your illusions. Stay grounded in this truth and nothing can shake you.
What to do to man up in life:
- Acknowledge that life involves pain; accept it as part of your human experience but use it to GROW not shrink.
- Don’t shy away from discomfort – lean into it and find the lesson in it.
- View challenges as growth opportunities, not obstacles to avoid.
16. Face your fears instead of avoiding them. Avoiding only makes them worse in the long run anyway. When you do this you’ll see that most fear is F.E.A.R (“False Evidence Appearing Real”).
Fear is often an illusion created by the mind as part of our outdated survival instincts.
Most of what we fear is rooted in imagined worst-case scenarios because our minds create stories and exaggerated fears that, upon closer inspection, are usually not as dangerous as they seem. Avoidance strengthens those fears, feeding them with more power.
The real growth comes when you face those fears directly – the more you confront them, the less power they have over you because you’ll start to see that fear is rarely based in reality (and reality is the TRUE source of power in our lives).
What to do to man up in life:
- Identify your fears and confront them rather than running from them.
- Challenge the assumptions that make you fearful – what evidence do you actually have that something will go wrong? Is it just false evidence appearing real?
- Make a habit of stepping into discomfort, knowing that it weakens fear and builds resilience.
17. Look after your body, your mind, and your SOUL and you’ll grow REAL.
True growth comes from nurturing all aspects of your being – manning up and growing into REALNESS doesn’t happen in isolation:
You can’t neglect your physical health and expect to thrive emotionally and spiritually, or vice versa. To grow in a balanced way, you must take care of all aspects of yourself.
Your body needs exercise, nourishment, and rest. Your mind needs learning, reflection, and a healthy environment. And your soul needs purpose, connection, and self-awareness. By tending to all three, you’ll create a solid foundation for growth.
What to do to man up in life:
- Prioritise physical health – exercise regularly, eat well, and get sufficient rest.
- Stimulate your mind with books, challenges, and learning.
- Nourish your soul through purpose, meaningful relationships, and introspection.
18. Don’t worry about how you feel in the moment or what you ‘like’ or ‘dislike’- focus on what reality is asking you to deal with right now and how that aligns with your PRINCIPLES and PURPOSE for where you’re headed and the kind of man you want to be.
Focus on the bigger picture and what needs to be done:
Too often, we get caught up in how we feel in a given moment, letting our emotions dictate our actions but – like we said up above – your feelings are just fleeting FRAGMENTS and don’t define your path as the WHOLE of who you are or what life is.
When you focus on your principles and your long-term vision or purpose, you create a clear direction for yourself that allows you to make better decisions from one-moment-to-the-next. Rather than being reactive to each moment’s emotions, you can align yourself with your values and your goals. By doing so, you’ll stay grounded and purposeful, even in the face of discomfort.
In other words, when you focus on what you WANT in your realness instead of how you FEEL in random moments, you’ll be more likely to get to where you really NEED to be.
What to do to man up in life:
- Don’t be derailed by temporary feelings and focus on your principles and goals.
- Align your daily habits and rituals with your long-term vision, not short-term emotional reactions that change day-by-day.
- Regularly reflect on your purpose to make sure you’re taking REAL action.
19. Solve problems in the world. You’re uniquely equipped to be useful in a way that nobody else can and to serve others by solving problems. Figure out what that looks like for you.
As a MAN, your contribution is needed – you can help to solve problems and serve the world instead of just taking from it and causing problems by being weak or unreal.
Everybody is uniquely positioned to offer something the world needs—whether it’s skills, insights, or experiences…everyone has a particular set of gifts that, when honed and shared, can solve real-world problems.
By figuring out what you can contribute, you not only serve others but also give your life a deeper sense of purpose (in fact, your purpose is just about solving problems in a way that makes you more real and makes the world more real too).
Understanding your ability to solve problems for others keeps you focused and driven, leading to personal fulfilment. The world is in constant need of solutions, and as a man, it’s your responsibility to figure out what role you’re meant to play in making a difference.
What to do to man up in life:
- Identify your unique talents and abilities and think about how you can apply them to help others – what problems can you solve around you?
- Start solving small problems first, whether for friends, family, or your community then move onto something ‘bigger’ as your purpose becomes more clear.
- Stay curious about what needs to be done in the world and actively seek out ways to be of service.
20. Don’t take anything personally. It’s just life.
Detach from external judgment as well as projecting internal meaning onto anything that might happen to you:
In life, people will say things, pass judgment, or make assumptions, but these actions are a reflection of them, not of you and – when you take things personally, you give away your power. Recognise that life is happening, and everyone is navigating their own path. The opinions of others should never dictate your self-worth or derail your focus.
This also applies to just general ‘life’ type things that can happen too – failure, mistakes, acts of God, natural disasters, things going ‘wrong’ – none of this is personal. It’s just fuel for GROWTH that you can use to springboard into more REALNESS.
Remember what we’ve said throughout this article: “Do your best and let go of the rest” – that’s all you can do and it’s the quickest way to MAN UP.
What to do to man up in life:
- Practice detaching from the judgments or opinions of others, understanding that their views don’t define you – it’s just a reflection of their ‘stuff’
- Stay focused on your own path, not on trying to please or impress others.
- Strengthen your inner peace by letting go of the need for validation from the outside world.
- Don’t take life personally but life it to become the man you want to be.
Final Thoughts: Manning Up in Life and Becoming REAL
Learning to man up in life isn’t about pretending to be ‘tough’ when you’re not – it’s about taking responsibility, acting with purpose, and trusting life (“Do your best and LET GO of the rest”).
Every man has the potential to grow into something real, but not everyone CHOOSES to.
If you want to move through life with power, purpose, and presence then maybe it’s time to stop waiting and start acting.
Stay real out there,
Trust: A Manual for Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace is a book about learning to return to your realness by cultivating trust in yourself and trust in life.
It contains practical exercises and dedicated meditations (Transformational Bridges) to take you DEEP in knowing yourself and life.
This book will answer many of the questions you have growing REAL and flowing towards wholeness. It covers everything from shame to addiction to the unconscious mind and synchronicity (and way more).
Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness is a book designed to help you look at your life from the inside-out so that you can stop holding yourself back and go get what you really want.
It contains 166 practical ‘Revolutions’ for awareness and over 8,000 Self-Guidance Questions for you to uncover new insight about yourself, the world, and reality that you can translate into action and start building your real life on the realest possible foundation.
Shadow Life is an exploration of the human shadow and the hidden side of our personalities. It looks at the masks we wear, where these masks come from, and how we can take them off.
The book explores how we can better manage our relationships with shame, guilt, and trauma in order to remove the Mask that the world has asked us to wear (and that we forgot we were wearing) so we can live an authentic life with less drama, chaos, or BS whilst we’re still around.
The Flow Builder Journal has everything you need to make the next 21-weeks of your life a turning point.
It has monthly, weekly, and daily (morning and evening) check-ins, tools and reflections to keep you in the zone and keep you flowing with zest and momentum.
If you want to get unstuck and grow REAL then check it out.
Download EGO/SHADOW/TRUST - a free guide to transformation that will walk you through the vital stages of Awareness, Acceptance, and Action with practical strategies to implement right away.
Join the 7-Day Bare Ass Minimum (BAM) Challenge and start to implement foundational health habits and a powerful life vision only a week from now.
