by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
Focus on REALITY changes the game and changes your life.
We live in a world obsessed with OUTCOMES even though outcomes are something we have the least amount of control over.
The truth is, the only real process – he one that underpins everything in life – is the natural drive towards wholeness. This isn’t some abstract concept or spiritual fluff; it’s a profound principle that is constantly unfolding at all levels: within ourselves, in our relationship with the world, and in our connection with life itself – it’s the guiding thread that weaves through the human experience, whether we recognise it or not.
Despite this, so many of us struggle to align with this process. Why?
Because we resist it. We distort it. We get our EGO involved and lose FOCUS.
We do this because we lack trus – trust in ourselves, trust in the world, and trust in life itself. At the root of all this mistrust is the Ego in avoidance of the Shadow Self and an unreal need to cling to control, certainty, and comfort.
But here’s the liberating truth: when we let go of this resistance and tune into the process, life starts to flow again.
(Because, truth be told, it’s always flowing).
Wholeness: The Destination That’s Already Here
Let’s break it down. What do we mean by “wholeness”?
Wholeness is the state of being fully integrated, where all parts of ourselves – mind, body, emotions, and spirit – work in harmony and interdependence with life itself.
It’s the feeling of being at peace with who we are, where we are, and the journey we’re on…but it’s not just an internal phenomenon: Wholeness also plays out in how we relate to the world around us and how we engage with life’s larger rhythms.
This drive towards wholeness is natural. It’s always at work, like a river carving its way through the landscape. The only thing that blocks it is our own EGO RESISTANCE – our refusal to flow with life as it unfolds. And this resistance, more often than not, stems from fear, pride, and the Ego’s desperate need to control the uncontrollable so we can keep our Shadow Self at bay and keep up the illusions that we’ve been hypnotising ourselves with since childhood (usually).
The great irony of life (perhaps) is that wholeness isn’t something we have to achieve. It’s already within us, waiting to be uncovered. The process is about clearing away the layers of resistance, distortion, and mistrust so we can allow this natural state to emerge.
When we do this we can accept that WHAT’S REAL IS ALWAYS REAL and truly get into a state of unconditional self-acceptance.
The Way Into Real Life
So, how do we align with this process? How do we stop resisting and start flowing?
The answer is surprisingly simple, though not always easy: learn to keep your focus on the process.
When you stay locked into the process, distractions lose their power. The noise of your ego and the world fades into the background and you can slip into a relationship with REALITY.
In this (natural) state, the things that once seemed like insurmountable obstacles begin to dissolve. This isn’t about rigid discipline or forcing yourself to stay on track. It’s about cultivating a mindset that welcomes everything as part of the journey.
Welcoming Everything Like a Guest
One of the most powerful ways to align with the process is to adopt an attitude of radical acceptance. This means welcoming everything – yes, literally everything – that life throws your way as though it were a guest.
Whether it’s an emotion, a challenge, or a change, treat it as something that’s here to teach you, to move you closer to wholeness:
In Yourself
Start with your inner world. Thoughts and emotions will rise and fall like waves. Some will feel ‘good’, others ‘bad’, but – instead of labelling or resisting them – simply welcome them. Ride the reality waves without judgement.
For example, if fear arises, don’t push it away or pretend it’s not there. Instead, get curious. Ask yourself, “What is this fear trying to tell me? What can I learn from it?”
The same goes for joy, anger, sadness, or any other emotion. Each one is part of the process, guiding you towards a deeper understanding of yourself.
The more you learn to TRUST THE PROCESS like this, the more you’ll start to see that anything temporary is just a wave but the REAL you is the ocean itself. Let the waves pass and keep going deeper.
In the World
The same principle applies to the external world. Life is full of obstacles – delayed plans, difficult people, unexpected setbacks. But what if, instead of seeing these things as barriers, you treated them as invitations to grow?
Imagine every obstacle as a custom-designed lesson ‘sent’ to you by life itself. It’s not there to punish you; it’s there to teach you (and you can always learn to be more real or more accepting of reality).
Often, the greatest breakthroughs come from the most challenging situations. Wholeness is always on the other side because you can only unlearn the things that keep you from it (and you can only LET GO of something unreal).
So, the next time you encounter a roadblock, resist the urge to complain or give up. Instead, ask yourself, “What is this trying to show me? How can I use this to move forward?” – you’ll always find an answer (if you LET GO of any ego resistance).
In Life Itself
Finally, embrace the ever-changing nature of life. Nothing stays the same, and that’s a good thing. Change is what keeps the process alive, what keeps us growing and evolving as we move towards more and more wholeness.
Instead of resisting change or trying to control it, learn to move with it. This doesn’t mean passively accepting everything that happens, but rather engaging with life’s rhythms in a way that shows you more TRUTH about yourself.
For example, if a dream or goal you’ve been chasing suddenly feels out of reach, don’t see it as the end. See it as part of the process. Trust that life is leading you somewhere – even if you can’t see the destination yet.
If you choose to keep cultivating ACCEPTANCE then those reality waves will always bring you what you need as the process keeps doing its thing.
Vision and Goals: Tools, Not Traps
This brings us to an important point: the need to have a REAL VISION. In fact, it’s necessary. Setting goals gives us direction and helps us align our efforts. But here’s the catch: don’t get lost in the goal.
When we become overly fixated on the outcome, we lose sight of the process. We start measuring our worth by what we’ve achieved instead of how we’re growing. And ironically, this fixation can actually slow us down.
The better approach?
Set your vision, choose your goals, and then let them go.
In other words, once you’ve done the WORK to determine what your goals are, take your focus off of the goal itself and keep your focus on the PROCESS of moving towards it. This keeps you outcome-independent and allows you to stay REAL and enjoy the journey instead of being defined by it (which always leads to EGO).
Short version: Focus instead on process of moving towards your goals, more than the goal itself. Trust that if you stay aligned with the process, everything else will unfold as it’s meant to, because you’ll be PRESENT in life (where things happen) – not your ideas about it.
The Process Is Always the Way
Ultimately, the process is all we have. It’s where life happens. The destination is an illusion – a fleeting moment that quickly gives way to the next process.
When you focus on the process, you’re no longer at the mercy of external outcomes. You’re no longer chasing happiness, success, or fulfilment somewhere ‘out there’ – instead, you’re living it, moment by moment, as it unfolds. This is a much more REAL approach.
Here’s another beautiful part: when you stay present with the process, those external outcomes often take care of themselves. You grow into the person who’s ready to receive them, not because you forced it, but because you flowed with it.
You still have to do the WORK and take ACTION but you take your ego out of your action so you can act in a pure way (or as the Taoists say in their concept of wu-wei: you can act without acting).
Gratitude: The Glue That Holds It Together
Finally, to truly embrace the process, cultivate gratitude. Not the kind of gratitude that’s dependent on things going your way, but the kind that welcomes everything – even the hard stuff, ‘good’ or ‘bad’ – as part of the journey.
Be grateful for the emotions that arise, even the uncomfortable ones, because they’re showing you where you need to grow. Be grateful for the obstacles, because they’re teaching you resilience. Be grateful for the changes, because they’re keeping you alive and engaged with life.
Gratitude doesn’t mean you have to enjoy every moment. It means recognising the value in every moment, even the ones that stretch you to your limits.
When you can get to this place, then you ACCEPT life no matter what which means that you truly LOVE it. This allows you to stop resisting and to just be in the process of moving, flowing, and growing in that real way.
Conclusion: Trust the Process
At its core, life is a process of moving towards wholeness. This process is always unfolding, whether we realise it or not – the only question is whether we choose to align with it or resist it.
When you stay focused on the process, you free yourself from the endless chase for external validation. You learn to trust yourself, the world, and reality itself. In doing so, you tap into a deeper flow – a sense of ease and alignment that makes even the hardest moments feel purposeful.
So, welcome everything like a guest. Stay curious, stay grateful, and most importantly, stay focused on the process. It’s always the way forward.
Stay real out there,
Trust: A Manual for Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace is a book about learning to return to your realness by cultivating trust in yourself and trust in life.
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Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness is a book designed to help you look at your life from the inside-out so that you can stop holding yourself back and go get what you really want.
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