by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
Desire is Not an Instruction but a CHOICE
Desire makes life worth living – just as long as you’re not so attached to it that you can no longer see clearly.
As human beings doing human things, urges will arise within us day-after-day:
Cravings, longings, ambitions, attractions – some seem to come from nowhere, others feel deeply embedded in who we ‘are’ but, regardless of where they come from, we all have the same choice – how we respond to whatever has arisen.
This is where we run into one of the most common problems of the modern age: most people don’t see the issue of desire as a choice. Instead, they assume desire is an instruction rather than an invitation.
This misunderstanding is at the root of much of the unnecessary suffering in our lives because when we react to desire through the UNREAL filter of ego, then we either:
- Chase it obsessively, turning it into an ego-driven goal that can end up derailing our lives or taking us deeper into fragmentation instead of wholeness (because the ego is just a fragmented version of who we are in the wholeness of our REALNESS)
- Suppress it, fearing its implications or the change it demands which just ends up making the problem worse because we create inner friction inside ourselves that eventually turns to frustration and then MISERY.
In short neither of these approaches leads to wholeness and just end up making life more unreal than it needs to be (because they keep us attached to the filter of the ego):
One keeps us perpetually dissatisfied, always chasing something that never quite delivers because ego can never help us escape the Void; the other keeps us trapped in resistance, disconnected from the very thing that could help us grow.
Thankfully, there’s a third way – one that allows us to navigate desire without being consumed by it:
The way of REALNESS.
Let’s dig deeper:
The Three Sources of Desire
To understand how to handle desire in a real way, we first need to understand where it comes from – most desires arise for one of three reasons:
1. Biological Wiring (e.g. hunger, sexual attraction, physical comfort)
These are the fundamental drives that keep us alive and reproducing. You don’t choose to get hungry or feel attracted to someone – it happens automatically because of whatever your nervous system and body chemistry is signalling to your brain to do.
2. Social Programming (e.g. status, validation, fitting in)
These are desires implanted by our environment – for example, via advertising, social media, or even just cultural expectations. We may think we ‘want’ a luxury car, six-pack abs, or 100k followers, but often, these are just reflections of the messages we’ve absorbed about ENVY and SHAME and what we need to do to be ‘good enough’ (when, actually, all we need to do is to stay real).
3. Real Desire (arising from wholeness)
Finally, there is the type of desire that isn’t driven by lack, attempts to fill the Void, or fragmentation but by the truth of wholeness itself. In other words, it’s not about filling a void but about expressing something real – a deep calling to create, connect, serve, or explore in a way that will help us become more real as we help the world become more real.
Most of us are so tangled up in the first two types of desire – which both contribute to the hold the Ego has over us – that we struggle to distinguish them from the third (which contributes to us evolving beyond ego.
We assume that if we feel a pull towards something, it must mean we need it but that’s just another trick of the Ego and all the things that keep us enslaved to the world as an extension of this.
Desire Is Not the Problem – Our Reaction To It Is
Desire itself is neutral – it’s neither ‘good’ nor ‘bad’, just something that swims up in our experience of ourselves and that we can CHOOSE how we’d like to act on it.
Essentially, then, the issue is what we do with it and – when it comes to this – we typically fall into one of two traps:
1. Turning Desire into a Goal for the Ego
This happens when we assume things like, “I’ll only be happy when I get X” – the job, the relationship, the body, the approval – whatever it is, we believe that attaining it will bring peace because the Ego has made us believe this peace is conditional (when, actually, it’s about reconnecting to the UNCONDTIONAL because what’s real is always real).
The things is, though, that if the desire is being fuelled by ego, it literally never ends because the Ego only appears to ‘exist’ because we have become disconnected from the TRUTH about ourselves and so chasing ego-driven goals just exacerbates the problem (read this article about ‘The Void’ to understand this more: The Void: Becoming Whole by Becoming One with the Hole).
To the eternal emptiness of ego, there’s always a new goal, a new craving, a new ‘fix’ – we’re constantly chasing the next thing, never satisfied, never whole because the Ego is just a hamster wheel and there’s only one way to get off of it: REALITY (because the ego is the opposite of reality).
2. Resisting Desire Out of Fear
The opposite mistake that we make is rejecting desire completely:
Maybe we fear it will lead us astray, expose us, or force us to change in ways we’re not ready for (because we know at some level that the desire in question is going to bring our Shadow Self to the surface). When this happens, we repress it, deny it, and pretend it doesn’t exist – unfortunately, this is always a flawed strategy because – as Carl Jung reminded us – “What you resist persists”.
The truth is that suppression (consciously hiding) and repression (unconsciously hiding) don’t make the desire disappear – it just forces it underground and into the Shadow Territory, where it distorts into something even more disruptive. Again, what we resist, persists.
So if chasing desire leads to fragmentation and repressing desire leads to fragmentation… what’s the alternative?
It’s to find a way to tap into the natural drive that we all have towards WHOLENESS.
The Third Way: Surf the Urge
Rather than attaching to desire or rejecting it, we can learn to observe it without letting it define us – this way we can stay REAL and come from a rooted place within ourselves that’s aligned with truth.
A desire arises? Fine. That’s what desires do and as the old saying says “The heart wants what the heart wants” – but we don’t have to act on it.
Instead, we ask ourselves:
- Is this desire real or is it just conditioning?
- Does acting on it serve my journey towards REALNESS?
- If I do nothing, does the desire pass naturally?
This is what it means to surf the urge – to allow the wave of desire to rise, peak, and fall without getting dragged under. Like emotions (“e-motion, energy in motion”), desires are just energy that will go where they need to go if we don’t interrupt things with mental blocks or fragmented patterns.
Sometimes, the realest response to desire is to let it pass with acceptance (instead of the fear that leads to suppression); other times, it’s to take action, but from a place of alignment with your REALNESS rather than ego-driven neediness.
For example:
- You feel an urge to buy something expensive – instead of impulsively purchasing it, you sit with the desire. Do you truly need it or is it just social conditioning?
If it’s real, you act. If it’s not, you let it go.
(This is why leaving things in your Amazon shopping cart for a day or so works). - You feel drawn to a new career path – instead of rushing in or rejecting it out of fear, you explore it with curiosity.
Does this path align with your deeper truth or is it just an escape from discomfort and the promptings of your ego? - You feel sexual attraction to someone – instead of immediately either turning it into a plan to do something romantic or repressing it, you examine it.
Is this a genuine connection or just biological wiring at play? Is it real or will it pass?
Surfing the urge means not being ruled by your impulses – it’s about moving towards realness and staying on your own path, not being dragged by fleeting cravings and getting distracted by goals and activities that won’t serve you (or anybody else for that matter because they’re unreal).
Two Keys to Mastering Desire
This level of self-mastery doesn’t happen overnight – it requires cultivating two fundamental skills that you can work on daily:
1. Nervous System Regulation
When we’re in fight-or-flight mode, desires feel urgent – we become reactive, unable to pause or reflect and make choices from a real place.
Learning to regulate our nervous system – through breathwork, meditation, cold exposure, or movement – creates space between stimulus and response because you won’t just be caught up in the sympathetic nervous system all the time (responsible for fight-or-flight) but you’ll be activating the parasympathetic nervous system when needed (which allows you to relax, feel SAFE, and make real choices in the long-term).
Basically, regulated nervous system lets you experience desire without feeling compelled to act on it immediately. It gives you the power to choose rather than react.
2. Mastering the Mind
Your thoughts are either controlling you, or you are controlling them – the more awareness you develop over your thought patterns, the less you’ll be pulled into unconscious reactions.
A strong vision helps here because when you have a clear sense of purpose, you’re less likely to chase every passing urge because you know what you really WANT and what you don’t want. Your desires become aligned with something greater rather than scattered and impulsive (i.e. they become aligned with your REALNESS).
Practical Steps for Surfing the Urge
- Notice the Desire – Before reacting, pause. Observe it as if it were happening to someone else.
- Ask Where It Comes From – Is this biological? Social conditioning? Something real? A cocktail of the two or more of the three?
- Regulate Your State – Take a deep breath. Drop into your body. If the desire feels urgent, delay action and let your system settle. If the ego perceives a threat, it will make you act when you don’t need to.
- Decide Consciously – If the desire is real, act on it without attachment to the outcome. If not, let it pass.
- Keep Practising – Over time, this becomes second nature. You move from being controlled by desire to choosing how you engage with it. The more you do this, the more REAL your life gets.
Final Thoughts: Freedom Through Choice
We don’t choose what we desire but we always choose how we respond.
When we filter desire through ego, we either resist it or chase it – both of which lead to fragmentation when the main motivation is ego instead of anything REAL.
When we filter it through realness, we learn to work with it, not be controlled by it.
Stay real out there,
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