by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
Why the Life You Want Comes With Consequences
There comes a point in many people’s lives when they know deep in the very being of their bones that something has to change.
It usually starts as the dawning realisation that they’ve been going through the motions for too long:
Maybe they’re ‘stuck‘ in a job that slowly kills their soul; maybe their relationship is more about playing out learned roles than real connection. Maybe they’ve been performing a version of themselves that’s palatable, polite, and that people even ‘like’ but that’s completely unreal and keeping them lost to the Void.
Whatever it is, something in them starts to stir – a quiet voice, a gut feeling, or an existential panic attack at 3am.
And that something always says the same thing:
It’s time to get real again.
What they’ve found themselves on is a turning point – the threshold between their ‘old’ unreal life and a newer real life that is more aligned with who they really are and what life is. They reach a point where the soul says “Enough is enough” and where they awaken to the idea of making actual changes but then… nothing happens.
In this state, the realisation, ideas, and desires are all there but – despite this pull towards something more real – action never seems to be taken and so nothing seems to change (or, if it does, it ends up being hesitant, half-hearted, or sabotaged).
Why is this?
Because doing something real always comes with consequences that we might not think we’re ready for (but only because our thinking belongs to the ‘old’ version of ourselves that we’re trying to outgrow).
These consequences may not always be catastrophic ones but they will always be an invitation into some deeper truth:
Emotional consequences. Relational consequences. The kind of consequences that ask us to face our lives honestly.
For most people this verges on the cusp of being terrifying but it doesn’t have to be this way.
Let’s dig a little deeper:
The Fear of Real Change: What We Cover in This Article
- Why the Life You Want Comes With Consequences
- Why We Fear Growth Into Realness (Even When We Crave It)
- The Hidden Pull of Unreal Programming
- Three Systems That Keep You Stuck (and How to Flip Them)
- Realness Comes With Consequences But So Does Staying Unreal
- Why Some People Won’t Like It (And Why That’s Okay)
- Practical Steps to Start Living Real Without Holding Yourself Back
- Final Thought: You’re Not Here to Perform
Why We Fear Growth Into Realness (Even When We Crave It)
If you ask someone what they truly want, they can usually tell you and they’ll say things like:
“I want to start my own business”.
“I want to leave my relationship”.
“I want to express myself with more creativity”.
“I want to live with more peace and purpose”.
And they usually even know the steps they’d have to take to get there….but then comes the hesitation, the delay, and the excuses because of a kind of inner friction that keeps them looping in the same old patterns.
This isn’t because they’re lazy, stupid, or unmotivated but because there’s a hidden, unconscious intention at play that wants them to stay exactly where they are.
That intention is almost shaped by a cocktail of three things: shame, guilt, and fear.
- Shame says, “Who am I to change?”
- Guilt says, “What if changing hurts the people I love?”
- Fear says, “What if it all falls apart and I can’t handle it?”
All three of these unconscious forces are usually stronger than whatever we’re saying to ourselves at the conscious level which is why the things we keep telling ourselves at the level of the mind don’t lead to lasting change.
It’s only when we look behind the veil of our own programming and dig into what’s hiding in the shadows that we can actually start making the changes we’re craving.
The Hidden Pull of Unreal Programming
Most people are living according to some kind of internal script that was written in childhood and then patched together and refined by culture, school, media, family systems, trauma, and fear.
It’s not their fault that it’s there driving them but it is their responsibility to deal with it if they want to actually transform their lives.
These scripts tell us how to behave, what success looks like, how to stay safe, and how to keep the approval of those around us and so – when you finally hit that moment of “I need to change” – you’re not just facing a choice but an entire identity system that needs to be rewiring.
I usually call this identity system the ego and it will do whatever it can to keep you in the familiar place you’ve found yourself (as an extension of acting according to what the ego has shown you) instead of changing your life in a way that’s more real.
This is because from the point of view of the unconscious mind an unfulfilling life is better than one that threatens the familiarity that it’s become accustomed to.
This is why people don’t act on the things they know are real and tend to stay in their comfort zones even when it’s crushing their souls day after day – not because the action is impossible but because they haven’t yet updated the systems that are still playing out in the background.
Three Systems That Keep You Stuck (and How to Flip Them)
To break free and build a life based on truth instead of performance, you have to work at the level of deeper systems not just surface-level decisions.
Here are the three internal systems that matter most when it comes to getting over your fear of real change and actually taking action:
1. Belief System
You need to upgrade your inner programming so it’s actually aligned with reality:
Most people never question the beliefs that shape their lives and just assume that their assumptions are facts (and if somebody is making assumptions about their assumptions we know they’re in deep!).
If you dig into your resistance to change, however, then you’ll almost always find unreal beliefs hiding underneath that limit you in some way and cause you to be unable to trust yourself or life to give you what you really need.
Some examples of these limiting beliefs might be:
- “If I do what I really want, I’ll disappoint everyone”.
- “I need to earn love by sacrificing myself”.
- “I’m not good enough to live life on my terms.”
These are lies that we treat as the truth and act according to the dictates of but they feel true because they were installed so early on in our lives that we just take them at face value.
The price of not challenging and updating these beliefs is that they’ll override any conscious desire for change and you’ll keep saying you want something while unconsciously pulling in the opposite direction.
The fix for this is pretty simple:
Start observing your thoughts with curiosity instead of judgement and start to look for patterns that limit you and hold you back.
Write them down and trace them back.
Ask yourself:
Where did I learn this? Is it actually true? What’s a more real belief I can replace it with to change my life in that real way I crave and know I really need?
2. Nervous System
You also need to regulate the emotional body at the level of the nervous system:
A huge part of why people resist real change is because their body sees it as a threat.
Even if your mind wants to take action, if your nervous system is dysregulated, you’ll freeze, fawn, fight, or flee every time you anywhere even close to the truth – you’ll feel overwhelmed, anxious, detached, angry, tired, or emotionally numb. And all of this will convince you that “now isn’t the right time.”
The fix at this level is to become more grounded:
Start regulating your nervous system through breathwork, grounding practices, movement, and somatic practises like yin yoga.
The more safety you can create in your body, the more capacity you’ll have to hold emotional intensity and to navigate the uncertainty of change and transformation without letting it derail you.
3. Vision System
Finally, you need to create a vision of a future that pulls you forward:
Without a vision for the life you want to create, your old patterns will keep winning, and you’ll just keep getting the results you’ve already got.
Real change isn’t just about what you’re moving away from – it’s also about what you’re moving towards (and making sure that whatever this might be is real).
You need a real, meaningful, heart-aligned vision that you can break into clear goals and then daily habits that make those goals inevitable.
The fix is to take the steps to create clarity around your own vision:
Ask: If I was being completely real with myself, what kind of life would I create?
Don’t censor it. Write it down and make it vivid.
Then, turn it into steps and commit to small, daily actions that move you in that direction – even when it’s uncomfortable.
My free 7-day Video Course will help you create a real vision that you’re excited to move forward with: The 7-Day Personality Transplant System Shock for Realness & Life Purpose
Realness Comes With Consequences But So Does Staying Unreal
Here’s the truth that a lot of people don’t want to admit:
Doing something real might shake things up and – in the process of being shaken – some of the unreal things in your life might fall by the wayside.
You might disappoint people, you might lose approval, and you’ll definitely have to let go of a version of yourself that’s been keeping you ‘safe’ but slowly killing your soul.
But don’t forget that staying unreal and not making any of the changes that are calling out to you from deep down in the shadows of the current version of yourself comes with consequences too:
- A job you dread waking up for (because it’s not aligned with any of your real values).
- A relationship that makes you feel lonely even when you’re together (because nobody is being real and so there can be no intimacy).
- A body that stores tension and stress because it’s sick of playing roles (and so you keep everything inside instead of letting things flow).
- A voice that never says what it really wants to say (because you’re disconnected from your core realness).
- A life that looks fine on the surface but feels hollow underneath (because it’s not rooted in anything true).
So, yes, doing something real may be uncomfortable at first but it’s the only thing that leads to real results and ensures that your life is one you actually feel authentic in.
Why Some People Won’t Like It (And Why That’s Okay)
One of the biggest hidden reasons people don’t act on their truth is because they know deep down that it will force others to confront their own unreality.
This is essentially because when you start living in a real way, you shine a light and not everybody will be ready for what that light reveals about themselves and their own lives.
They may say you’ve changed (which you have); they may feel rejected (because you’re not playing the same role they became accustomed to); they may try to pull you back into the version of you they’re more comfortable with (so they can keep their ego where it currently is and resist growing real).
The only thing you can do in cases like this is to let them get on with it (whilst having compassion for the how shifting dynamics are asking them to look at themselves in some way)…
You’re not here to manage other people’s comfort but to live in truth – that doesn’t mean that you should purposely set out to harm or make others uncomfortable but it does mean that you shouldn’t hold back on being real just because something might have to deal with their own emotional ‘stuff’ (which is different to physical danger).
Often, the realest thing you can do for the people you love is to lead the way by stepping up and being real first because – when you stand in your realness – you give others permission to do the same – even if they resist at first.
Check out my book Trust: A Manual in Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace if you’re ready to become unstuck and start trusting yourself to make real change in your life.
Practical Steps to Start Living Real Without Holding Yourself Back
Let’s bring all of this down to earth and start shifting into some ACTION that you can take…
If you’re standing on the threshold of knowing something in your life needs to change but still holding back and resisting then here’s where to begin:
1. Name what’s real.
Ask yourself or journal on this simple, probing question:
What do I know is true but that I’ve been avoiding?
Be as honest as you possibly can be with yourself about what you already know is real but you’re not doing anything with or about.
2. Spot the unconscious intention.
Notice where you say you want something but your actions don’t match and so nothing ever changes.
Dig into this to try and figure out what’s going on:
What fear, guilt, or shame might be keeping me stuck here?
There’s an article that goes into more detail about unconscious intentions here: Hacking the Unconscious Mind: A Psychological Hack for REALNESS
3. Challenge the belief system.
Take some of your core beliefs and interrogate them by trying to determine if they’re based on reality or just old programming.
A good exercise to dig deep here is known as the 5 Whys Technique which helps you to get to the root of your beliefs.
To use it, you simply keep asking “Why?” until you hit rock bottom:
For example:
“I want to change my life by starting a new business but I can never find the time.”
On the surface, this might just seem like a simple time management issue but using the 5 Whys technique, we can dig deeper and uncover the real source of (unconscious) resistance.
1st Why:
Q: Why do I feel like I can never find the time to start my new business?
A: Because my schedule is already packed with work, chores, and other commitments.
2nd Why:
Q: Why is my schedule packed with all those things?
A: Because I say “Yes” to everything and try to keep everyone happy even if it leaves me no time for myself.
3rd Why:
Q: Why do I feel the need to say “Yes” to everything and please everyone?
A: Because I feel guilty when I prioritise my own goals over other people’s needs.
4th Why:
Q: Why do I feel guilty for prioritising my goals?
A: Because, deep down, I don’t fully believe my goals are as important or valid as helping others.
5th Why:
Q: Why don’t I believe my goals are as important or valid?
A: Because I’ve tied my worth to being useful to others instead of allowing myself to follow what’s meaningful to me.
What we can see here is that the belief “I want to change my life by starting a new business but I can never find the time” isn’t really about being too busy at all:
It’s actually about not giving yourself permission to value your own dreams because of underlying shame and guilt which is setting an unconscious intention that outweighs the conscious desire to make real change.
4. Regulate before you act.
Create emotional safety by regulating your nervous system:
The simplest way is to make time every day to breathe, move, and feel whatever you’re feeling (instead of resisting it).
There’s more about nervous system regulation here: Nervous System Regulation for Realness: Finding Your Natural Rhythm
5. Craft a real vision.
Decide what you want to move towards and know that your reasons for moving in this way are real.
This article will get you started with the vision work: REAL LIFE VISION: Merging Past, Present, and Future
6. Take micro actions.
You don’t need to flip your entire life overnight:
Just take one real step today and then another tomorrow.
This will allow you to build the muscle of realness through repetition as you learn by doing and compound your results over time (for example, if you want to write a book and you write 100 words a day you’ll have 700 words each week).
This article has some ideas for micro actions that will change your life over time: 30 habits you can start RIGHT NOW to improve your life.
Final Thought: You’re Not Here to Perform
You’re not here to play it ‘safe’ all the time and you’re not here to repeat someone else’s script.
You’re not here to tick the boxes of a life that looks good but feels dead.
You’re here to be REAL.
Yes, it might come with consequences but those consequences are usually the cost of freedom whereas the consequences of staying unreal just keep you ‘stuck’.
So step across the threshold topple the false foundations of anything unreal in your life.
Let people see the truth and build a life that’s real from the inside out.
Stay real out there,
P.S. If you’re ready to cross the threshold from unreal to real in order to finally start changing your life then book a free coaching session with me and I’ll help you find your way (and keep you accountable).
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