world

How to be real no matter what.

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“Real always works” – that’s what I’m always telling my clients and how I live my own life (really, “Real always works” is just a shortcut to circumventing all of the mind chatter that stops us taking action).

There’s only one problem: even though we may intend to be real, we’ve found ourselves in an unreal world where there’s more disinformation, BS, and confusion than probably any other time in history (really, not hyperbole or exaggeration: thanks to Internet algorithms and social media echo bubbles there’s more misinformation than ever before – we can all live in our own alternate (un)reality if we CHOOSE).

Here are ten things to keep in mind that can help us avoid the vortex of an unreal world and keep moving towards real life so we can be real no matter what.

1. Remember the times when you’ve felt most real.

I’m always reminding my clients (or readers of my books) to remember the times when they felt most real in the past. Almost always,  these will be times when they have stepped outside of themselves (or more accurately, their IDEAS about themselves) and they are fully present and spontaneous in the moment.

In my own life, the examples I always tend to give are:

  • Bounding down Mt Fuji one morning with the clouds beneath me.
  • Making love with somebody I truly care about.
  • Riding a motorbike.
  • Being outside in storms.
  • Really good yoga sessions.
  • Etc.

All of these experiences were times were my mind-body connection was heightened, I felt ‘one’ with my surroundings because I wasn’t only perceiving or interpreting everything conceptually, and where I got into a flow state of some kind and moved towards WHOLENESS instead of just mere fragments of living.

The lesson here is that you can’t always feel like this because these moments need you to take yourself out of the day-to-day world and to put yourself in the realest place possible.

Once you’ve tasted these moments, however, they do show you what real life is and show you the direction you need to start aiming back towards once the world begins to creep in again (really this is just the process of returning from the fragmentation of the world to the wholeness of reality: see Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness if you want to build on these ideas).

2. Always keep the real vision in mind.

If your life feels unreal then there’s a good chance that it’s because you don’t have a vision for where you’re going or – if you do have one – it’s not compelling enough.

In my experience of coaching people, a ‘compelling’ vision just means that we choose something REAL to run towards instead of only trying to hide from the unreal stuff (for example, running towards something that is an expression of our true values – creativity, freedom, whatever – instead of trying to hide from our shame or guilt, etc.).

A lot of people set goals for themselves that are actually unreal and become outcome-dependent because they think they can fill the void inside themselves with external validation or other things that can never really save us.  My view of why this happens is because they set goals from a foundation of not knowing themselves (because they haven’t gone through the process of raising Awareness and Accepting themselves before taking Action).

Chasing an unreal vision will only serve to make your life increasingly more unreal as you push yourself further away from yourself; chasing a real vision will eventually bring real results that compound on themselves and make life more real overall.

You can remember it by remembering this simple formula (from the Personality Transplant):

Unreal in, unreal out; Real in, real out.

Make sure you’re aiming for something real before you get there.

3. Set goals and habits that structure your day.

You don’t need so much structure that your life becomes a prison but – once you have that real vision – you need enough structure to support its forward momentum and to carry you where you need to be.

For most of us, this just involves breaking the vision down into goals and also dedicating ourselves to the (almost) daily habits that will take us there.

The reason that this works is because real life is about working with time and that the only way to get RESULTS is to use cause and effect to manipulate time.

For example, if you have a vision of being a creative consultant of some kind then a goal you might have to support that might be to write a book. The habit that will support that is writing every day.

You need to break down your vision into the necessary goals and then be disciplined, consistent, and focused with your actions as you get there.

If you don’t have this basic structure then you will likely just fall into the trap of being distracted with activities, relationships, and thoughts that just make your life more unreal.

4. Value the truth more than anything else.

I’ve said it loads of times before but – in order to live a real life- you only really need to commit to doing two things:

  1.  Uncovering the truth (cultivating Awareness and Acceptance)
  2. Living the truth (Acting on it).

The only caveat here is that we often think we have the truth but all we really have is an interpretation of it. This is why you need to work on being constantly curious, constantly learning, and shifting yourself into having a growth mindset.

Sometimes, we think we’re doing this but actually we’re just tricking ourselves because of our EGO RESISTANCE and a desire to remain the same because of our unresolved emotional ‘stuff’ like shame, guilt, and/or trauma.

The ultimate barometer is how much FRICTION we feel in our lives – if we’re constantly coming up against obstacles or have problems that we just can’t find solutions to then these obstacles and problems are usually only lingering because we’re trying to hide  the truth from ourselves at some level.

The cure is to look inside yourself and see what you’re not yet willing to accept – only if you uncover that can you find a solid foundation to build on and move forward. Without valuing the TRUTH above all else, though, you’ll never be able to do that work as you’ll always be judging what you find.

5. Remember that your time, energy, and attention are the most important things you have.

You’re going to be dead one day. That’s a real FACT that we can all agree upon.

This being the case, it means that the most precious and valuable things you have are your time, energy, and attention.

A lot of us end up being unreal because we forget this and we give our time, energy, and attention to distractions and BS that don’t deserve it (the short version of what these distractions and BS are is that it’s anything that causes us to deviate from that real vision and growing into who we need to be (with our goals and habits) to make the vision a reality).

To stay real, you need to condition yourself to keep checking in with yourself to make sure that you’re CHOOSING to give your life to the things that are real to you and will allow you to be more real.

All being real means, ultimately, is that you know WHY you’re doing what you do (because you have a real vision), you know HOW you’ll do it, and you choose to do WHAT you need to do to get there (the ‘What’ may sometimes be to do nothing so you don’t burn out).

6. Remember that the world isn’t real, it’s just other people and their ideas.

One of the biggest causes of unreality is that we IDENTIFY with the world and think it’s real – in other words, we allow ourselves to be conditioned from the outside-in thanks to the media, our parents, other people, the system, etc. etc. etc.

Really, the world is not real at all – it’s just a bunch of conceptual ideas and the end-result of our collective thoughts and interpretations about life and reality based on our collective emotional ‘stuff’ and how much light we’ll let it.

As we said above: unreal in, unreal out – if most people in the world are distanced from themselves then the world we build will be an unreal extension of that.

If you’re not aware of this,  then you might try and FORCE yourself to fit into the world, but all you’ll be doing in that case is trying to deny all the real parts of yourself that can make the biggest difference to your life.

Flip the script and start with reality before the world.

7. Don’t be discouraged when things don’t go to plan – that’s just how life goes.

Even with the greatest vision and all of the consistency, discipline, and focus in the universe, you’re still just a human being in an imperfect reality and things can and will go wrong.

Being real just means that you don’t let this turn you off – you know that the map is not the territory and so you will have to adjust and adapt to get where you need to me.

The more unreal you are, the harder this will be because being unreal means that you try to control everything in an attempt to hide from your own unresolved emotional ‘stuff’.

If you find yourself lapsing into control freakery and being emotionally wounded every time you fail or get rejected or whatever then you need to work on accepting yourself and reality so you can see things clearly.

Being real means if you fall down 7 times, then you get back up 8.

8. Learn to listen to yourself and to act accordingly.

Your body and your mind will give you clear signals if you’re being unreal – learn to listen to yourself and to make changes as necessary.

When it comes to your body, it’s kinda obvious: if you feel burned out, depleted, or in pain then you need to rest.

If you feel lethargic, then you may need to exercise more as the more energy you use, the more energy you get (only you will know what you need to do but you need to DO something).

Anxiety and depression are often also signs that you need to listen to yourself:

In the case of anxiety, it often means that you’re living according to a FAKE/unreal version of yourself and so you’re constantly getting feedback from reality in the form of friction. This constant friction would make anybody anxious and will turn to frustration and misery if you don’t listen to yourself and make changes.

In the case of depression, it often means that you’ve developed a passive mindset and have lost touch with your purpose. When this happens you stop moving, have no vision for the future, and become miserable.

In all these cases – and others like them – listening to yourself at a real level and acting on it is the solution.

9. Make sure you’re living your real life and not somebody else’s unreal one.

A lot of the time, you might think your living ‘your’ life but if you feel restless or even miserable then there’s a 99% chance that you’re actually living somebody else’s life in the form of goals that aren’t yours.

Only you will know whose goals they really are? Maybe it’s your parents? Maybe it’s some Hollywood movie? Maybe it’s just ‘society’ as a whole?

If you want to be real, you need to learn to decondition yourself and make sure that what you invest your time, energy, and attention on actually comes from deep within yourself.

10. Embrace your weirdness.

When we’re being real, we might be judged by the world for being unconventional or deviating from standard paths and ways of doing things.

If you resist embracing this weirdness at some level, then it means that you’re still JUDGING yourself. All judgement is unreal because it brings in value judgements of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ (whereas what is real is beyond duality).

If there’s something weird about you and you’re not hurting anybody then don’t hide from it, embrace it.

Your weirdness is one of your greatest gifts to the world as it allows you to express the truth and the truth allows others to learn and embrace themselves too.

Don’t give into the pressure to hide from yourself because of your unreal ideas about the world. Life is for the living and real life is always a bit weird.

 


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The World isn’t Against You as Much as Your Attitude is.

The main barrier to getting what you WANT is…

‘You’.

Well, more specifically, it’s your attitude.

That doesn’t mean that we need to be NEUROTIC and take UNLIMITED RESPONSIBILITY for everything that happens to us (sometimes “?” really does just happen).

It does mean, though, that we ACCEPT that 90% (approx. figure) of the stuff that goes on in our life is either:

1. Something we can change.

2. Something we can walk away from.

3. Something we can learn to live with.

If you can understand that then you can ensure that your attitude towards life is a REAL one that will give you the kind of RESULTS you want from life.

It’s pretty simple, really:

You think in a REAL way then you get something REAL.

You think in an UNREAL way then you get something UNREAL.

The problem is that sometimes it’s ‘EASIER’ (in scare quotes because it only seems easier as a short-term thing) to keep on BS’ing ourselves and to try and come up with all kinds of different EXCUSES why the world is against us and we can’t HAVE whatever it is that we want for ourselves and our lives.

Like we’ve said before, this is a form of RESISTANCE because the ego wants you to believe change is IMPOSSIBLE so you don’t try and grow through it (normally because of FEAR as the ego evolved to protect you in the short-term based on whatever you’ve already been through).

This attitudinal resistance looks like this:

-Constantly LOOKING for evidence that the world is against you instead of why it wants to support you.

-Looking for solutions anywhere except within yourself.

-Constantly looking for new problems to worry about before the current one is even solved.

-Avoiding taking any responsibility for your CHOICES and decisions and the consequences they’ve led to.

-Not acting like the person you want to BE, but the person you fear you ARE.

-Only trying to have faith in yourself whilst at the same time not believing in yourself (so trying to force everything through ego which is UNREAL).

-Etc.

All of these ways of thinking and anything similar are just an extension of your RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF.

You need to flip the script and be open to yourself to allow the world to open to you too.

 

My coaching can help you sort your attitude out and grow real.

 


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You Were Born Wild then Made Crazy.

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There’s a wildness in you that can set you FREE if you unlearn to RECLAIM it.

This is because – no matter who you are or what you think your life is about – you were born to survive and THRIVE on the earth and the earth is a wild place.

It’s easy to forget about the WILDERNESS inside us all and the WILD CHILD that’s screaming for attention from deep down in the SHADOWS of ourselves.

It’s easy to forget about all of the PASSIONS, DRIVES, and INSTINCTS that have been buried down there in the depths.

It’s easy to forget who we are when we live in a ‘World’ that’s built only for the little ‘parts’ of who we are and never the WHOLE thing.

When you were born you came with EVERYTHING that you needed – yes, you needed the protection of your parents but the seeds of who you were had already been planted and just needed nuturing and nourishing so the FRUIT could RIPEN.

The problem is that a lot of the ‘WILD’ stuff that you need to channel and transmute to GROW REAL and get where you need to be was DENIED in the face of ‘The World’ and so you started to go a little CRAZY.

What is “crazy” when you think about it?

Crazy is just a lack of alignment with the TRUTH.

If the TRUTH is WHOLE and you begin to identify with just parts of yourself and deem the ‘socially unacceptable’ parts of yourself – like your joy, creativity, and spontaneity; like your anger, drive, and passion – just so you could fit in and identify with a limited interpration of the truth to be of ‘the world’ then tell me…

Is that not ‘crazy’?

Your craziness is ANYTHING that makes you believe that all of the WILDNESS and chaos within you is to be AVOIDED.

That’s just the LIES you’ve been told and then started to hypnotise yourself with so that you can be easier to CONTROL and so that the other crazy people in your world can keep up their own ILLUSIONS about things.

Growing REAL is about ACCEPTANCE of the TRUTH and if the truth is WHOLE that means accepting and embracing the whole of who you are.

There is so much POWER within you but you need to stop being CRAZY and embrace the fact that you were born of the EARTH and that means that you have the wildness within you.

Get ROOTED in the REAL.

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Refuse to Feel ‘Guilty’ for Growin Real.

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The only people who don’t want you to grow real are people that are UNREAL.

This is because being REAL is about unblocking ourselves from the matrix of our own BS – such as self-limiting beliefs, unreal expectations of ourselves and others, emotionally-distored perspectives, attachments to opinions blah blah – so that we can simply MOVE and grow through our own edge and go deeper into a relationship with the TRUTH.

Unreal people have FRAGMENTED and divided themselves within themselves and so they have attached to all this BS and even gone so far as to think that they ARE the BS.

When they see somebody doing the INNER WORK to flip the script and put their WHOLENESS out into the world – instead of allowing the world to suppress them and to EXTINGUISH the torch of the human spirit – a couple of things happen:

1. They start to lash out because the REAL QUALITIES that are being expressed in the REAL ONE trigger their ‘Shadow Stuff‘ and all of the real qualities they’re trying to hide from themselves for the sake of their EGOs start calling to them from beneath the surface of themselves.

2. They will try and TEST the REAL ONE to see if they’re as real as they seem to think they are… This is weird when it first starts happening but it’s a good sign as it means the unreal have seen your realness and can’t quite believe it.

These ‘tests’ will be about trying to SHAKE you in some way – just believe in your REALNESS and refuse to waver (there’s nothing to ‘worry’ about anyway as all they can give you is UNREALITY).

3. They will try and make you feel GUILTY and to force you into certain ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving in the world (based on ROLES they want you to play so they can keep their unreality’s hold over them).

Here, they will tell you what you ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ think/feel/do based – usually – on how it’s making them ‘feel’ (normally because they’re playing the VICTIM and trying to make you and them believe that somebody else is responsible for their emotional ‘stuff’).

You need to remember that all of this is just the WORLD trying to suck you back into its unreality.

Guilt is a useless emotion but reality is FOREVER.

Be unshakeable.

I can help you reach your goals and grow real.

 


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Your World Today is a Reflection of How the ‘Old’ You Used to Think.

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What you put into your life is what you get out of it.

You put something REAL in, guess what comes out?

Yeah, something real.

You put something UNREAL in?

You can probably figure it out.

The ‘problem’ (though it’s really more just a ‘reality’) is that the universe operates according to a law of CAUSE and EFFECT and it takes TIME for these effects to accumulate and give you the results that you want.

What this means is that you could spend your whole life being UNREAL and then decide to WAKE UP one day but it wouldn’t change anything unless you were real CONSISTENTLY over time.

Everything in your life is the accumulation of some PROCESS.

If the process you were involved in for the DESIGN of your life came from a place where you were being unreal with yourself (not your ‘fault’ – probably because of your conditioning and/or unresolved shame/guilt/trauma) then the world you live in today will be UNREAL too.

This is because – due to everything being a PROCESS – there’s actually a LAG.

What this means in practical terms is that your life and WORLD today is just the accumulation of all the choices that the ‘Old’ version of you made yesterday or a few months ago or even years back.

I see this all the time with my coaching clients:

For whatever reason, they were conditioned NOT to be real with themselves (i.e. live according to their REAL values and intentions) and so today the world they’re living in doesn’t ‘fit’ who they truly are deep down.

The solution in this case is to start UPDATING THE SOFTWARE.

Instead of having an unreal personality that was built as an unreal response to something unreal, I have to help people UNLEARN all of that ‘stuff’ and start acting and making CHOICES in a way that is more AUTHENTIC.

Often, this means letting go of the BELIEFS and IDEAS that make them feel like they’re ‘unworthy’ or whatever else they have going on.

When you DIG DEEPER and remove those kinds of beliefs you can start the PROCESS of upgrading the software so that there’s less CONFLICT.

When you do that, things start MOVING again almost immediately, momentum is built, blocks are removed and you just know that TOMORROW is gonna be even better.

 


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Don’t Talk to the Wrong People About Your Goals

If you wanna reach your goals then the best thing to do is:

1. Cultivate AWARENESS – of what you want, WHY (so you can make sure it’s motivated by something real and not ego), and then of HOW you’re gonna do it.

2. Cultivate ACCEPTANCE – of where you are right now, what’s holding you back, and any emotional ‘stuff’ you’ve got going on like self-limiting beliefs, doubts, etc.

3. Talking ACTION – and being COMMITTED to it (not just interested – see my vid the other day), learning along the way, and responding to what happens.

Staying ROOTED in the REAL mode ain’t easy but you can make it a helluva lot easier for yourself by making sure you don’t talk to the WRONG people about your goals until after you’ve DONE it (when the results speak for themselves).

Examples of the ‘wrong’ people:

PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY KNOW YOU BUT DON’T

People who think they’ve got ‘you’ and the ‘world’ figured out and so they just end up giving you UNWARRANTED advice which appears helpful but is really about keeping THEIR image of themselves in place.

SECRET HATERS/COMPETITION

People who appear like ‘friends’ on the surface but are secretly comparing themselves to every move you make – they secretly want you to FAIL but also want whatever info you can give them.

DOUBTERS

People who have always PLAYED IT SAFE in their own lives, never taken a risk, and will try and talk you out of trying to reach your own goals so they don’t have to feel bad about never making the REAL moves they wanted to make.

SELF-PROFESSED CREATIVE GENIUSES

People who will DISTRACT you by thinking they know your goals better than you and will give you all kinds of advice about how you should do it (despite them NEVER taking any real action or chasing their goals).

MISERABLE PEOPLE

If people are unhappy with their own lives then whatever they are doing ISN’T WORKING. If you take advice from them about your goals you’re just inviting the same kind of UNREAL thinking.

Keep your goals between yourself and a HIGHER POWER or between yourself and people who BELIEVE IN THEMSELVES and BELIEVE IN YOU too.

Anything else is just a distracton that will cause you to either doubt or distrub your vision.

Just DO it.

 

I can help you reach your  goals without the BS – check out my coaching page.

 


 

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This is the Sign You’ve Been Waiting For to Walk Away from the BS Thing that Keeps Holding You Back.

Every so often, I like to remind people that a super power we all have is to say “NO”.

When you say “No” to something UNREAL then it frees you up to say “Yes” to the real stuff – your true values, your true intentions, your true purpose, and most importantly your TRUE SELF.

The problem for a lot of us is that we make a lot of the decisions about our lives and what we want to do with them based on an UNREAL IMAGE of ourselves:

-We don’t believe in ourselves so we CHOOSE jobs, relationships, or ‘friendships’ that aren’t healthy or satisfying.

-We don’t believe in the world so we think that we just have to follow our SOCIAL CONDITIONING and do what we’re TOLD.

-We don’t believe in reality so we don’t acknowledge that we can GROW REAL through a lot of our limitations (and when we can’t we can learn to ACCEPT and be more CREATIVE with these limitations).

When you make choices about your life from the UNREAL side of who you are (i.e. the EGO which is designed as a response to the Unholy Trinity of shame, guilt, and/or trauma and serves as a barrier to keep your SHADOW at bay – see Shadow Life: Freedom from Bs in an Unreal World) then what you get from life is equally UNREAL.

It’s pretty simple:

Unreal goes in -> Unreal comes out

Real goes in -> Real comes out

If you’re lucky enough to have something ‘bad’ happen or if you step up and do the WORK then you can start to go through the process of becoming aware of how the world you’ve CHOSEN is UNREAL:

Asleep -> Awareness -> Acceptance -> Action

If you stay ASLEEP you will feel the restless call of the void as your shadow calls to you from beneath the surface.

If you become AWARE you’ll start to feel frustrated at what you’ve CHOSEN for yourself.

If you start to ACCEPT you’ll understand why you made those choices and FORGIVE yourself.

If you accept you can start taking ACTION and the first step is to set the BOUNDARY by saying “NO” to the unreal stuff that doesn’t serve you.

Like anything, it’s a PROCESS – you might not just up and leave but you can CHECKOUT MENTALLY.

When you’ve done that the next step is to work on bringing the REAL STUFF and to keep walking.

No dramas, no stress, no malice.


 

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You Don’t Need to Force Anything to Get Where You Need to Be

Forcing life to happen in the way that you want it to happen is alway UNREAL.

In real life and nature, NOTHING is forced:

-The grasss doesn’t force itself to grow.

-The trees don’t force themselves to produce fruit or to blow in the wind.

-The clouds don’t force themselves to burst open when it’s time to let the rains out.

-The birds don’t have to force themselves to fly away for the winter.

Everything just happens exactly when it’s supposed to happen – in fact, you could go even further than that and say that it’s beyond any idea of ‘supposed to’ and more accurately we can say “stuff just happens”.

The problem – or difference – of course, is that all of these natural phenomena haven’t been blessed with the ‘extra’, higher-level faculties that human beings have:

-They don’t have human reason.

-They don’t have human drives.

-They don’t have human fears, prides, or desires.

-They don’t have human tendencies to compare or to resist.

-Etc.

All of these things are part of our human NATURE but – if misused – they take us away from nature and life at the same time.

The way we ‘misuse’ them is by using them to turn away from the nature of ourselves and reality and towards the fragmentations and divisions of ‘the world’ (really, just a set of ideas that we project over the truth because of our individual and collective ‘stuff’).

When we turn away like this, we forget that we are CONNECTED to nature and its natural processes and we start to think that we’re of the world alone (which is never reality or nature because those things aren’t just ideas – they’re experiences).

The more attached we become to the world, the more our identity becomes invested in the things that we need to happen in the world to keep that identity in place.

The more we need the world to be real, the more we try and FORCE the things we want in the world to happen – every time we do this, though, we make the choice for fragmentation over wholeness and disconnect ourselves from the process of letting things HAPPEN.

Step back from the world, admit you don’t know everything, and let NATURE work with you.

As the tree brings forth fruit so shall you.

 


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You’re Either Real or Unreal: There is No In Between

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Self-confidence comes from having a relationship with something bigger than yourself:

-It might be a mission or a set of values that gives you strength (or at least takes your mind off thinking all the time).

-It might be a sense of CONNECTION to everything else in the form of love, God, source, divinity or whatever else you wanna call that ‘spiritual’ side of life (which is REAL af).

-It might be a sense of DUTY or SERVICE to some cause that you care about like your family or your country or whatever else.

In all these cases – and any like them – your confidence comes from being CARRIED OUTSIDE OF YOURSELF and realising that it’s never your ideas about ‘YOU’ that give you anything but the things that ask you to step outside your ideas.

The reason it works like this is because your ideas about yourself, the world, and reality are always UNREAL because no idea can truly encapsulate the feeling of being ALIVE.

When we’re caught up in the day-to-day hustle and bustle busyness of our lives we can forget this and start to think that we live at different levels of REALNESS or UNREALNESS depending on what we’re doing with ourselves.

The truth, however, is that WE’RE ALWAYS REAL because what is real can never be added to, removed from, destroyed or healed (with some ‘self development journey’, for example).

The problem is that we can forget this and think that we need to fix ourselves or others (or blame them) and to do this we try and FORCE ourselves to have confidence in ourselves.

This hardly ever works, though, because trying to find confidence in yourself means trying to find confidence in IDEAS and ideas are never REAL.

When you find something bigger than just your ideas about who you are to give you confidence then you STEP OUT of the illusion of self and remind yourself of your own REALNESS.

This is because you start MOVING again instead of being locked in STATIC ideas and become connected to the flow again…

What is real is always real and it always MOVES – this applies to ‘YOU’ too:

You’re either moving with something bigger than you that’s REAL or you’re lost in UNREAL ideas about yourself, the world, and reality.

There is no in between.

 


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