by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

Being Real When The World is Asking You to Be Anything But…

Have you ever felt like you’re living in a world that’s somehow a bit…off?

Like everything around you – the jobs, the relationships, the endless scrolls through social media – all seem to be more about pretending to be than actually just being?

If so, then you might be living that type of life that the American writer Henry David Thoreau famously called “lives of quiet desperation” – the sort of life where you’re struggling to find any sense of depth or meaning in what you’re doing because you’re somehow disconnected from it all without really knowing why (most likely because you’re living in a kind of Void).

This article is about exploring some strategies for dealing with this and staying real in an unreal world that seems to reward conformity and disconnection from anything true or even human.

We’re about to embark upon a journey into the heart of REALNESS – a philosophy that cuts through the ego’s illusions and the lurking whispers of the shadow self to reclaim your authentic self in an often unreal world.

Let’s dig a little deeper:

Being real is about listening to the song that's already waiting to be sung.

Being Real in an Unreal World: What We’ll Cover in this Article

Being Real When The World is Asking You to Be Anything But…

The Quiet Desperation of Conformity

From our earliest days, we have a simple social survival strategy drilled into our tiny brains:

Blend in, don’t stand out (or you’ll be in trouble).

It’s simple but effective and causes the average “lives of quiet desperation” type to hold back and hesitate on who they really are and what they really want for the whole lives long (I read somewhere that the average child hears the word “No” exponentially more than they hear the word “Yes” and this is one of the major contributing factors to this phenomenon).

It’s a tribal instinct coded deep in our DNA:

Our ancestors thrived because they stuck with the pack; going rogue often meant death and so we keep quiet about the thoughts, feelings, and desires that don’t fit the group narrative:

We play the part, we follow the rules, we ‘behave’, and we give into the creation of a ‘World’ that doesn’t really exist because it only truly arises from the interplay of ourselves and everybody else acting in this same self-effacing and unreal manner.

What’s the cost of giving into this imaginary, unreal world?

We send who we are in our realness down into the Shadow Territory – a psychological and emotional no-man’s land where our true selves get suppressed so that the ‘parts’ of us that cause us to feel shame or other tricky emotions like fear can be exiled (and not cause us any bother…in the short-term, at least).

This is why many of us feel like we’re walking through life wearing a mask – constantly adjusting to fit in -always quieting our inner voice to survive socially and professionally.

The tragic irony?

Most people around us are doing the same and so this “quiet desperation” is often invisible, hidden behind polite smiles and forced small talk – everybody acts when everything’s fine even though they can’t help but feel that it’s all so unreal.

Why the World Wants You to Be Unreal

It’s not some grand conspiracy with shadowy figures pulling strings (well, not exactly) – the reality is more mundane and yet more profound.

The systems, structures, and collective ideas we call “the world” are human-made constructs:

Governments, corporations, schools, social media – they’re all designed around control and predictability.

They want you to think small, hold back, hesitate, and most of all, doubt your real thoughts, feelings, goals, and sense of BEING.

Why?

Because an unreal you is far easier to manage:

When you adopt a fragmented relationship with yourself, you develop a scarcity mindset – constantly worried there’s never enough (money, love, success, recognition, whatever) – and so you become less likely to rock the boat…you stay a cog in the machine rather than a disruptive force of authenticity and creativity.

But here’s the truth:

The world isn’t reality.

It’s a fragmented simulation – a kind of mental matrix – built on our collective fears about survival and death and where our individual and collective egos (defined by the how capable we are of facing our own shadows) have spun a web of stories, structures, and hierarchies to try and tame the wildness of life itself as a form of control freakery.

This is ironic because what we all seek is real life and life, in its essence, is whole:

When you tap into this wholeness, you start to see through the illusion – and start being real.

This is why the way ‘out’ is to always take the next obvious step towards wholeness in your life.

When Unreal Lives Breed Unreal Environments

Eventually, living a lie – or a version of yourself that’s been heavily edited to fit in – takes a toll on your energy levels and general sense of well-being:

The most common way that this shows up is that you might find yourself stuck in a job or a relationship that’s utterly misaligned with your real values and vision.

At first, this might even be bearable, tolerable, or even comfortable because the ‘unreal world’ often offers the safety of routine and social approval that can keep us locked within a kind of gilded cage.

It can be tempting to stay in this kind of a cage because it looks so ‘nice’ but the longer you stay there, the more unreal you become:

There’s an old fable of about lady who kept a beautiful songbird in a cage because she wanted to hear it sing every day:

She decorated it with jewels and other fine adornments, believing she was giving the bird a luxurious life but, eventually, the bird stopped singing. It lost its voice.

One day, she opened the cage to clean it, and the bird flew out – landing in a tree outside. Freed from the cage, it sang once more – louder and more beautifully than ever.

When you grow real, you leave the ‘cage’ of the world and become the bird in the tree.

Be the Bird: Rediscover Your Song

This story is a perfect metaphor for the being real in an unreal world:

The cage is all the ways you’ve been trained to conform, to silence your true self, and to hide in the shadow territory – the parts of yourself you deny or fear.

The tree outside is the sense of wholeness, presence, and freedom that we can all tune into whenever we learn to let go of all the unreal things we identify with that keep us in the world – the reality where your authentic self can sing its unique song (as cheesy as that sounds).

But how do you get there and become the bird that escapes and actually sings again?

Realness and the Ego-Shadow Conflict

Here’s the tough but empowering truth that will change the way you see things (if you haven’t already read about it on this site).

There’s a dance going on between your Ego and your Shadow Self – we can call this the Shadow Dance:

The ego wants to keep you safe by sticking to familiar patterns, even if those patterns are unreal or self-sabotaging. It keeps you trapped in the cage.
The shadow holds the hidden parts of you – fears, doubts, desires, and truths that the ego tries to suppress because it perceives them as threats (usually because of the Unholy Trinity of shame, guilt, and/or trauma).

Realness requires a radical reconciliation – integration – of these two ‘parts’ of your relationship with yourself:

You need to become aware of your shadow (the unconscious parts), accept it without judgement, and then take decisive action to align your life with your authentic values and vision.

This process of Awareness, Acceptance, and Action is central to freeing yourself from the cage (and is the process I use with all my coaching clients who are working to transform their lives in a real and lasting way).

My book Trust: A Manual in Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace will help you to understand the Shadow Dance (and so much more) in a lot more detail.

Cultivating Presence: Freedom Before Flight

You don’t need to immediately break free of your cage to start feeling real. Presence – the ability to be fully here and now – is your first step to freedom (whether you’re in the ‘cage’ or in the ‘tree’).

Presence means noticing when you’re slipping into unreal habits, when your ego is talking, and when fear or conformity is creeping in – it’s the thread that connects you to your authentic self even when external circumstances feel restricting.

When you practice presence, you cultivate an inner space where your real song can start to be heard – even if you’re still physically or socially ‘caged.’

Practical Tips for Being Real in an Unreal World

Ready to start choosing reality over the world?

Good. Here are some practical steps to help you cultivate realness in a world that often pushes the polar opposite:

1. Build Shadow Awareness

Keep a journal to track moments when you feel ‘off’ or like you’re pretending.
Ask yourself: What part of me am I hiding here? What am I afraid to show?
Notice recurring patterns or emotions that you tend to avoid.
This article has 100 beginner shadow work exercises to get you started: 100 Shadow Work Exercises: Making the Unconscious Conscious & Growing Real

2. Practice Radical Acceptance

When you discover a shadow part, accept it fully – no judgment, no shame. Just realness.
Remember: your shadow holds valuable truths about what you need to face, accept, and be whole.
Remind yourself: I am more than my fears and doubts. They are part of me, not all of me.

3. Create Your Vision

Write down what a real life looks like for you – values, passions, relationships, work.
Break that vision into manageable goals and start taking action.
Design small daily habits that align with your realness vision. For example, speaking your truth in small ways or carving out time for creativity.
My free 7-day course will take you deep into understanding yourself and creating a real vision for yourself and your life: The 7-Day Personality Transplant System Shock for Realness & Life Purpose

4. Cultivate Presence Daily

Start with simple mindfulness: focus on your breath for 5 minutes and focus on breathing through your nose.
Use reminders to check in with yourself during the day – “Am I being real right now?” “How present am I?”
Notice when you fall into ego-driven patterns and gently bring yourself back to awareness.
Learn to regulate your nervous system for realness as this will make the biggest difference: Nervous System Regulation for Realness: Finding Your Natural Rhythm

5. Find Your ‘Tree’ – Build a Real Support System

Surround yourself with people who encourage your authenticity and who can be real with you.
Seek communities or mentors aligned with realness – not conformity and the same old, same old.
Reduce time spent in toxic or superficial environments that reinforce unreal behaviours.
Start to make an escape plan if you are in an unreal environment that simply isn’t for you (this may take time but mentally check out and take the action).

Being real in an unreal world is an accomplishment.

Being Real: Your ‘Song’ Matters

In the great symphony of life, every individual has a unique song to sing and the world may try to silence you, put you in a cage, or convince you to fake it but realness is revolutionary.

It’s the courageous act of showing up, with all your shadows and light, and daring to be whole in a fragmented world so that you can make the most of your life for yourself and others.

Like the bird in the story, once you open the cage door and trust the tree outside, your voice will return – clearer, stronger, and truer than ever – so you can be who you already are.

(Because what’s real is always real).

Stay real out there,

Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

P.S. If you’re interested in coaching and ready to open those cage doors then book a free session with me and I’ll help you create a vision for what your ‘tree’ looks like.

Trust: A Manual for Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace is a book about learning to return to your realness by cultivating trust in yourself and trust in life.

It contains practical exercises and dedicated meditations (Transformational Bridges) to take you DEEP in knowing yourself and life.

This book will answer many of the questions you have growing REAL and flowing towards wholeness. It covers everything from shame to addiction to the unconscious mind and synchronicity (and way more).

Download EGO/SHADOW/TRUST - a free guide to transformation that will walk you through the vital stages of Awareness, Acceptance, and Action with practical strategies to implement right away.

Join the 7-Day Bare Ass Minimum (BAM) Challenge and start to implement foundational health habits and a powerful life vision only a week from now.

Real Always Works

Being Real in an Unreal World: How to Stay Authentic When Life Demands You Hide