The Chase Dynamic: Addicted to Emotional Unavailability

by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

Why People Get Addicted to The Push-Pull Game and Chasing Instead of Replacing

If you’ve ever found yourself entranced by some seemingly ‘perfect’ creature (really, just another human being) who constantly keeps you on your toes and leaves you in a chronic state of uncertainty about where you stand, then this article is for you:

This is something that most of us experience at some stage in our lives – getting sucked into relationships where the emotional highs and lows seem to fuel an addictive rush. We think that all of the excitement, questions, and drama that these emotional rollercoasters bring with them must ‘mean’ something incredible and romantic is taking place but, actually, this couldn’t be further from the truth.

Here’s something to make a note of from the get-go:

The ‘chase’ dynamic is not love – it’s a game that unfolds when one ego meets another and calls it ‘love’ (or something similar).

Far from being the raw and real, grounded connection we long for, the ‘chase’ is actually just rooted in an unhealthy dance between egos:

Real love doesn’t hurt (despite what they tell you), but this push-pull cycle sure does, especially when it’s built on emotional unavailability and lingering doubts, questions, and uncertainty (because real love is actually the surest and most stable thing in the world – not that it’s always ‘good’ and often means riding through some ‘bad’ times…not because of games and ego but because of life just being life).

The problem, of course, is that the chase can feel intoxicating and more like a movie than the mundane world we live in tends to be on a daily basis – which is why so many of us get addicted to it:

It’s an emotional rollercoaster with moments of bliss that make you feel alive but the inevitable drop leaves you questioning your worth and the very nature of relationships as a whole.

You may ask yourself, “Why, if this dynamic is so painful, do we keep returning to it? How is it even possible to get addicted to uncertainty and chaos in the first place?“

The answer lies in our deep-seated emotions and conditioning, often stemming from unresolved feelings of shame, fear, and unhealed past wounds.

In this article, we’ll break down why you might be attracted to emotional unavailability, the unhealthy patterns at play in the chase, and how to break free from this cycle to invite real love into your life.

Let’s dig a little deeper:

The chase dynamic is what happens when we confuse ego for love.

The Myth of “Love Hurts”

One of the most pervasive myths in modern dating is that “love hurts” – it’s a narrative we’ve been sold in movies, songs, and even through personal experiences that make us believe that pain and passion go hand in hand.

The truth, however is far simpler:

Real love doesn’t hurt at all (what does hurt is infatuation and it’s inevitable aftermath).

Love – true, unconditional love – is grounded in safety, trust, and emotional security; it doesn’t leave you on edge, wondering when the next emotional whirlwind will hit – instead, it nurtures, supports, and allows both partners to grow in their own way without constant fear or uncertainty of what might happen next (in the context of the relationship).

So, why does it hurt then?

The pain isn’t love itself but the result of what happens when we confuse love with the chase dynamic – a toxic push-pull that happens when two egos collide and infatuation brought into the mix:

When our egos get involved, we get attached to the thrill of the chase, the excitement of trying to win someone’s affection, or the fear of losing control. These dynamics are driven by insecurity, often stemming from deeper emotional issues like shame or abandonment fears.

The more emotionally unavailable the person is, the more we’re drawn to them because the ego has a scarcity mindset and believes that having things that seem to be ‘scarce’ somehow make us more valuable (a way of compensating for our shame and outsourcing our self-worth to outcomes).

Falling under the spell of the ego like this, we start to crave the validation that whoever (or whatever, for that matter) we’re chasing withholds, and before we know it, we’ve become emotionally hooked on the chase itself.

The problem here is that this cycle of uncertainty and unpredictability is not a sign of love – it’s a sign of emotional manipulation, miscommunication, and avoidance of real intimacy.

When it comes to the real deal, you don’t need to ‘chase’ it because what’s real is always real and will just ‘be’ in your life (if you’re real enough to receive it).

The Push-Pull: Ego Meets Ego

The chase dynamic begins when two egos interact – not two real human beings connecting on a deep, authentic level. When egos meet, they create tension n order to uphold the illusions that they’re founded upon – this means that there’s a desire to control, a need to feel validated, and an underlying fear of vulnerability.

Here’s the thing, though: egos are fragile because they’re totally unreal and so they’re built on the need for approval and external validation.

This is where the push-pull of the chase dynamic comes into play:

One person pulls away, creating emotional distance, while the other chases, trying to bridge the gap (normally after having had at least a taste of closeness).

The emotional unavailability makes the chase feel thrilling, but – in reality – it’s a game of power and control…one where the winner is rarely the person who’s looking for the genuine emotional connection of realness.

At its core, the chase dynamic is driven by two people’s fear of true intimacy:

Both participants are trapped in the story of wanting validation and attention without the vulnerability that comes with real connection. The chase becomes a way to avoid confronting deeper fears of rejection or inadequacy and so the relationship becomes about winning affection, not about sharing a meaningful bond.

The Cycle: Why You Keep Chasing Emotional Unavailability

Why do we continue to chase emotionally unavailable people?

It’s easy to think that we’re doing it because we’re “in love” but it often has less to do with love and more to do with unresolved issues from our past that cause us to become infatuated as a kind of distraction from this unresolved ‘stuff’.

The chase becomes a distraction, a way to feel important, wanted, and validated, even if it’s temporary (because this temporary feeling gives a release from the tension of being unreal with oneself).

At a deeper level, people who are emotionally unavailable often trigger something within us – usually some form of unmet need, fear, or insecurity:

This could be rooted in childhood, where you may not have received the emotional validation or consistency you needed – for example, maybe you were neglected or learned to suppress your emotions and so, as an adult, you’re unconsciously seeking out relationships that mirror this early dynamic, hoping to prove to yourself that you can fix what was broken. The only problem is, you can’t ‘fix’ what isn’t real or emotionally available to begin with.

Furthermore, there’s an addictive element to this dynamic:

The highs and lows – the moments of warmth followed by emotional withdrawal – become a kind of emotional rollercoaster and so your brain releases dopamine, the “feel-good” chemical, during the brief moments of connection which then drops when the person withdraws, creating an intense craving for the next hit.

This cycle is often mistaken for genuine love but it’s actually an emotional addiction.

The Chase Dynamic: More Than Just a Game—It’s an Addiction

It might sound dramatic to say that the chase dynamic is addictive, but it’s actually supported by science:

The highs and lows of emotionally unavailable relationships don’t just feel exhilarating – they trigger a very real, biochemical response in your brain that keeps you literally CRAVING more and losing control of your mastery over yourself (in most cases).

When you experience moments of connection in a chase dynamic, your brain releases dopamine, a neurotransmitter that’s associated with pleasure and reward:

This “feel-good” chemical is responsible for creating that euphoric rush when someone shows you attention or affection, and it’s why you may feel an instant high when the emotionally distant person finally lets their guard down and lives up to the image that probably got you ‘hooked ‘in the first place.

You’re literally getting a hit of dopamine from this person, which your brain remembers and craves…Unfortunately, this means that the moment they pull away, that dopamine high crashes.

Instead of walking away, your brain keeps craving that next high and you fall into the trap of thinking things like: “If I can just get them to care about me again, I’ll feel better” (which just sends you on a wild goose chase and back into the push-pull dynamic of the chase dynamic).

This cycle of emotional withdrawal and intermittent rewards is very similar to how addictive behaviours work. The unpredictability of when you’ll get the next ‘hit’ keeps you hooked – chasing the next bit of affection like a literal drug.

Cortisol, the stress hormone, also plays a role here:

When someone withholds affection or creates emotional distance, it triggers feelings of anxiety and insecurity. This stress response can make the moments of affection or validation feel even more rewarding because your brain associates relief from that stress with the rewarding rush of dopamine.

Getting caught up in these endless cycles of tension and release is what causes people to waste years of their lives in these addicted dynamics.

In short, the chase dynamic in relationships is not just about emotional games (though that’s definitely part of it) – it’s an actual chemical rollercoaster. Your brain gets addicted to the highs of attention and the low, often painful withdrawal, which creates a toxic cycle that keeps you coming back for more, even when it’s unhealthy.

(If you’ve ever been ‘stuck’ in a relationship with somebody you ‘love’ but know is totally incompatible with you then this is why).

Understanding this biochemical process is key to breaking free from the addiction:

Once you realise that you’re not in control of your emotions in these situations – that your brain is literally addicted to the chase – you can start to take steps to regulate your nervous system and behaviour, resist the pull of the cycle, and move towards healthier, more balanced relationships that are actually REAL.

You may feel a sense of validation when you’re able to ‘win’ the affection of someone emotionally distant, but the reality is that you’re investing in a fantasy that gives you an ego boost (usually a ‘saviour complex’, in this case).

You’re not connecting with the person; you’re connecting with the idea of what they could be if they just showed up emotionally and this idea is usually just a projection of what you need to see – not what’s actually there – because of your own emotional ‘stuff’.

Red Flags: How To Spot the Chase Dynamic

Recognising the chase dynamic is the first step in breaking free from it.

Here are some red flags that show up as symptoms (though the core problem is your own shame and how it keeps you thinking you deserve this kind of relationship):

Emotional Unavailability: The person constantly pulls away, disappears for days, or gives you just enough attention to keep you interested but never enough to make you feel secure. They rarely open up or show vulnerability (though they often expect you to) and the relationship feels more like a game – or even babysitting – than a partnership.
Love Bombing: Initially, they may overwhelm you with affection, attention, and promises of a future together (future faking). This is often a tactic used to reel you in and get you hooked – making you feel special and desired before they withdraw, leaving you chasing after the affection you once had.
Gaslighting: When you try to talk about your needs or express concerns, they deflect, deny, or make you feel like you’re overreacting. They make you question your reality, leaving you unsure of where you stand. This just puts you in a position of weakness where you feel that you need to keep chasing to keep the ‘love’ going (when real love just goes anyway).
The Chase Itself: There’s a constant push-pull in the relationship and you feel like you’re always trying to ‘win’ their affection. When you finally get close, they retreat again. This creates an addictive cycle where you’re always trying to gain their approval but you never really feel secure or safe in the relationship (because it’s about ego, not love).
Avoiding Real Intimacy: They avoid deep conversations and when you try to talk about emotions or the future, they change the subject or make light of the conversation. They may even make fun of your desire for a real connection, framing it as “too needy” or “too much too soon” (not because you’re doing anything wrong but talking in a real way will threaten the mask/ego they’re locked behind).

Real Love is Stable: Breaking the Chase Cycle

Here’s the truth: real love doesn’t involve drama – it’s steady, secure, and based on mutual respect and emotional availability.

Here are some practical tips for taking real action if you find yourself stuck in the chase dynamic we’ve explored in this article:

Acknowledge Your Patterns: The first step is to become aware of your own tendency to chase and what’s going on in your relationship with yourself that makes you think you need to tolerate this in relationships with others.

Reflect on your past relationships and identify if this push-pull dynamic has been a recurring theme – understanding your own patterns will empower you to make healthier choices moving forward.
Heal Your Inner Wounds: Often, the chase dynamic is rooted in unresolved emotional issues, such as fear of abandonment or feelings of inadequacy and shame. Take the time to heal these wounds by working on unconditional self-acceptance, working with a coach that specialises in these things (book a free call with me here if you’re interested in coaching), or journaling about your past experiences and letting go of anything unreal you’re holding onto.
Set Boundaries: Learn to recognise when someone is emotionally unavailable and set clear boundaries. Don’t allow yourself to be dragged into a cycle of uncertainty and remember that you deserve a relationship built on stability, trust, and emotional availability.
Focus on Healthy Communication: Cultivate relationships where open and honest communication is a priority by learning to express your needs and desires clearly and directly. Give in a real way and expect the same from your partner.
Don’t Chase Validation: Stop looking for external validation through the chase dynamic.

Instead, work on building your own self-worth and confidence because when you feel whole on your own, you won’t feel the need to chase someone who is emotionally distant.
Trust in Stability: Real love thrives on stability – don’t settle for chaos or emotional drama. Trust that a secure, balanced relationship will feel calm and grounded, rather than like a constant emotional rollercoaster. Anything else is unreal in some way (this doesn’t mean things will always be ‘perfect’, though).

The chase dynamic ends when you dissolve shame and know your own value.

Conclusion: Don’t Chase ‘Em, Replace ‘Em

The chase dynamic in modern relationships is a trap many fall into – especially when we mistake emotional turbulence for genuine love.

Real love is not about chasing someone who is emotionally unavailable – it’s about finding someone who is willing to meet you at the same level of emotional availability, openness, and vulnerability.

If you’re with somebody that can’t give you these ‘basics’ then stop chasing them and replace them: even with your own purpose, somebody who’s done the work and can start being real with you, or both.

Stay real out there,

If you want to work on growing real and you’re interested in coaching then book a free call with me to start taking real action.

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