by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
Drama in Relationships and What to Do About It
A common problem that sucks us into the Void these days is that we confuse passion with complete chaos.
This can cause us to fall into the trap of thinking that our relationships need to emulate this ‘chaos culture’ if we’re to ever stand a chance of proving that our ‘love’ is real or that we ‘fought’ and ‘won’ for the little scraps of love that this might lead us to.
Maybe can blame this on the movies, maybe it’s TikTok, but whatever it is it causes us to by into the myth that dopamine-fuelled chaos is an essential ingredient in a ‘real’ relationship.
Unfortunately, this just leads to unnecessary DRAMA in relationships because this chaos is always the product of something unreal (i.e. the ego) and not something that’s actually helping us to be refined and reconfigured in the furnace of life’s true chaos (which is just anything beyond the realms of whatever we currently think we know).
This being the case, it’s no surprise that many of us mistake emotional drama for real connection or believe that ‘love’ should feel like some kind of soap opera.
Let’s get something straight from the outset:
Real love is not drama.
Instead, real love is grounded, present, and safe.
This can lead to a problem that many people have to deal with for years and maybe even their whole lives:
If you’re addicted to unreality and drama in relationships, the stability of real love might feel boring and so you think there’s something ‘wrong’ with it.
If you’re stuck in this loop, it’s not just unfortunate – it’s destructive because it stops you growing real and keeps you in a place that you (probably) don’t really want to be (despite being addicted to it).
How do you know if you’re in love with love or just hooked on the highs and lows of a dramatic emotional theme park ride?
Let’s dig a little deeper to find out:
What We’ll Cover in this Article
- Drama in Relationships and What to Do About It
- The Seduction of Drama in Relationships
- What is an Unreal Relationship and Why Do they Cause Drama?
- How to Know You’re Addicted to Drama in Relationships (Signs and Symptoms)
- What Real Love Looks (and Feels) Like
- Why Drama Feels Like Love But Isn’t
The Seduction of Drama in Relationships
Let’s not pretend drama doesn’t have its allure:
When someone makes your heart race with a cryptic message or love-bombs you with grand gestures then vanishes into the emotional ether, the push-pull chase dynamic that opens up can feel intoxicating.
The truth, however, is that these dynamics rarely have anything to do with love because their mainly psychological and physiological (whereas love is about the whole of us) and so what we’re actually experiencing is often a surge of chemically addictive responses with cortisol, adrenaline, and dopamine all working in tandem to keep you chasing.
Really, it’s no different to gambling or any other addiction that ‘hooks’ us in with the promise of the unknown because unpredictability creates a hit of anticipation that becomes addictive.
Even though you may know it’s bad for you, you keeping going back anyway.
This is what happens when you’re addicted to the unreal and – once you’re hooked – real connection can feel…underwhelming in comparison.
What is an Unreal Relationship and Why Do they Cause Drama?
Real means that we’re experiencing ourselves and lives as a whole (to the greatest extent possible) and at least open to going deeper into wholeness (which is what a REAL relationship is a container for). Unreal means that we’re fragmented and resisting and distorting life because of attachment to the ego and so we’re closed to going deeper into wholeness (because it threatens the ego).
This being the case, an unreal relationship is one that:
- Is defined by uncertainty: One minute they’re obsessed, the next they’re cold (because their ego can’t let go completely and so you find yourself never knowing what’s really going on).
- Feels like a performance: You’re more focused on how things look rather than how they actually are (because the ego is an illusion).
- Relies on fantasy: You cling to the potential of the other person, not the reality (because they don’t want you to see the real them as they want you to see the ego and validate it for them).
- Distorts your sense of self: You feel you must be someone else to keep their interest (in order to try and live up to their unreal expectations).
- Replays childhood wounds: You’re chasing validation, approval, or love from someone emotionally unavailable (because your ego is what got you involved in an unreal relationship in the first place and these old patterns are why your ego ‘exists’ in the first place).
If this sounds familiar, you might be caught in the trap of experiencing drama in relationships – the odds are – your nervous system is confusing emotional chaos (the push-pull) with true intimacy (a shared journey towards deeper wholeness).
Why We Get Addicted to the Unreal and Drama in Relationships
There are a few key psychological and emotional patterns that lead to this kind of addiction to unreal relationship dynamics and drama:
1. Shame and Unworthiness
If deep down you don’t feel worthy of love because of unresolved shame, guilt, and/or trauma, you’re more likely to be drawn to people who withhold it because their rejection mirrors your internal beliefs.
On some level, it feels right because it matches your unconscious assumptions that you don’t deserve real love or a healthy relationship.
2. Egoic Validation
Many chase dramatic partners because they want to ‘win’ them (because they think that love is about the chase, fighting, and sacrificing).
In this case, it becomes less about love, and more about proving you’re good enough (again because of underlying shame).
The chase becomes your self-worth and whoever you’re chasing just ends up on a pedestal as you become outcome-dependent.
3. Unhealed Attachment Wounds
Those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles are especially susceptible to these dynamics because the unpredictability of unreal relationships triggers old childhood patterns of chasing love from emotionally inconsistent caregivers.
4. Addiction to Intensity
Intensity can feel like connection, especially when you’ve never experienced secure love.
The truth, on the other hand, is that intensity is a poor substitute for intimacy.
How to Know You’re Addicted to Drama in Relationships (Signs and Symptoms)
Here are a few red flags to watch for to determine if you have a proclivity for unreal relationships and the ensuing drama that they bring:
- You confuse warning signs with butterflies in your stomach (because your nervous system is being overridden by the desires of your ego and so you can no longer tell the difference between safety and threat).
- You feel euphoric during the highs and despondent during the lows (because you’re literally addicted to the person and forgot who you are without them).
- You spend more time analysing texts and second-guessing than feeling relaxed and known (because there is always some block to communication or some unreal game unfolding that leaves you confused. You may also be experiencing gaslighting).
- You fantasise about who they could be rather than who they are and this keeps you locked in the dynamic despite evidence to the contrary that smashes your fantasy (not that you can let go of this fantasy because your ego needs it).
- You often feel like you’re auditioning, not relating (because unreal people are always asking you to be unreal too and are incapable of sustained presence).
- You feel drawn to people who are hot-and-cold, mysterious, or emotionally unavailable (because you unconsciously (or consciously!) love the push-pull that mystery and unavailability brings).
If you’re nodding along to all this, then take comfort in the fact that you’re not alone (getting sucked into these patterns doesn’t mean that you’re unintelligent or ‘wrong’ in some way – just that you need to master your relationship with yourself a little more)>
Either way, it’s time to ask yourself:
Do I want real love or do I just want the feeling of love?
Real love isn’t just a ‘feeling’ (because feelings can change and real is always real) – it’s also an attitude and commitment that stands the test of time with stability and security.
What Real Love Looks (and Feels) Like
Let’s put the drama to one side for a moment and explore what real love feels is all about:
- Consistency: You know where you stand.
- Honesty: You’re not left guessing.
- Mutual respect: You don’t feel like you’re in a power struggle or competition.
- Peace: Not to be confused with boredom but a calm presence.
- Safety: Your nervous system doesn’t feel like it’s on a battlefield.
- Communication: You can talk about issues and resolve them instead of getting into a battle of egos.
You don’t have to earn any of this by dancing through hoops and trying to constantly please somebody who can’t be pleased (because, again, the ego is unreal and so is always looking for something).
Real love doesn’t make you perform – it allows you to be present and keep making progress without being lost in ideas of ‘perfection‘.
Why Drama Feels Like Love But Isn’t
When you grow up in environments where love was inconsistent, manipulative, or conditional, your brain learns to associate emotional instability and the push-pull dynamic with intimacy.
This means that when someone comes along and offers stability you might find yourself thinking that they’re too nice or that something is missing (which it is… the drama).
What you’re really saying to yourself in these moments is: I’m not used to this kind of safety.
In short: your nervous system has been wired to crave the emotional rollercoaster, even though it’s burning you out.
The Ego in the Drama
Unreal relationships aren’t just frustrating and unhealthy – they’re often an externalised Shadow Dance with your unhealed parts colliding with someone else’s.
Your ego wants to feel chosen, special, and powerful and so when someone withdraws or plays hard to get, it doesn’t repel you. It activates your ego and you go chasing.
But that’s not love – it’s performance.
Eventually, it will just leave you feeling used, small, and resentful because you’re asked to being somebody other than who you are in your realness but real love is about ACCEPTANCE (for yourself and others).
Breaking Free from Drama in Relationships (and the Addiction it Brings)
This isn’t about blaming yourself, it’s about waking up and raising AWARENESS of how things actually work. Once you’ve done that you can ACCEPT yourself more and then take ACTION that’s more aligned with something real.
Here are some practical steps to help you reconnect to reality:
1. Name the Pattern
Start journaling your relationship history:
Spot the patterns and try to figure out when you started to confuse drama for love.
Who does the drama of unreal relationships remind you of? Where did you learn to put up with unreal over real?
2. Regulate Your Nervous System
If you’re used to chaos, calm can feel threatening because it’s a threat to your familiar way of identifying (ego).
Start practising breathwork, mindfulness, or somatic work like yin yoga to reset your baseline and realign your brain and your gut.
3. Reclaim Your Power
Stop chasing things that keep running away.
Don’t reach out. Don’t try to make them see your worth. Let the silence speak for itself.
You don’t have to prove anything to anyone and if you think you do then you probably have some unresolved shame to deal with.
4. Get Curious About the Real
Ask yourself what love would look like without the drama:
What does healthy attraction feel like?
Practice being with people who are open and safe even if your initial reaction is to run (make sure they don’t chase you though!).
5. Build Self-Trust
You won’t settle for fragmented crumbs once you believe you deserve a whole feast:
Affirm your worth daily by building aa life that feels good on the inside – not just one that looks good on the outside.
Final Thoughts – Drama in Relationships? It’s Time to Get Real
Being addicted to drama doesn’t mean you’re broken – it means your heart is looking for something real in unreal places.
The ‘good’ news is that once you start working on healing your relationship with yourself you can start to taste something real and the unreal will lose its hold over you.
When you reach this point, the fireworks might fade a little but what remains is connection:
Safety. Wholeness. Peace.
That’s real and it’s what you’re really looking for.
Stay real out there,
If you want to work on growing real and you’re interested in coaching, then book a free call with me and get moving right away.
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