by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

Your Anger as a Man is Fuel for Your Real Life

This is a quick article about ANGER and how refusing to suppress yours, getting angry, and using it as a source of energy can turn your life around and help you become the man you were born to be (a REAL one).

It seems to me that for many men these days, anger is an emotion they’ve been taught to fear, suppress, or even feel ashamed of:

Maybe they were told as boys that their anger was ‘bad’ or ‘unacceptable’ for some reason (despite it being a perfectly normal and healthy human emotion); maybe their anger was used before it was mastered and got them in some kind of ‘trouble’ or left them wounded and wary of ever expressing it again.

What do people tend to do in these cases? They BURY their anger deep down in the Shadow Territory and try to live and breathe as though it’s not a very real and healthy ‘part’ of them.

That might’ve worked for a little while but here’s the problem: anger doesn’t just disappear because you’re pretending it’s not there. As Carl Jung said, what you resist persists, and, so, when anger is pushed into the shadows, it festers, warps, and turns against the very person trying to suppress it and becomes destructive instead of constructive.

Hidden from view, anger can manifest as depression, indecision, lack of purpose, or even the creeping sense of powerlessness of living in the Void.

Sometimes, it might seep between the cracks in our personalities (the identity/ego created to try and survive life as a person ‘without’ anger) and so it can creep out sideways through passive aggression, people-pleasing, or resentment.

One thing that I’ve seen over the years is that a lot of men who struggle as adults – whether with confidence, purpose, or relationships – are, at their core, disconnected from their anger and the gift of masculine energy and direction that it can bring to their lives if they just step up and lean in.

This sense of disconnection from anger isn’t necessarily because they don’t feel it, but because they don’t own it:

Instead, they’ve built an identity around being ‘nice‘, ‘laidback’, or ‘easy-going’ all the time to avoid confrontation and to (usually without luck) try to win the favour of people by being ingratiating and obsequious.

All this really serves to do is to cause them to lose touch with their sense of self-respect, boundaries, purpose, and REALNESS. In other words, it’s a failed strategy (mainly because it’s unreal and real always works).

The truth is, anger is not your enemy – it’s a powerful, necessary, and deeply human emotion that allows you to live the life you’re supposed to be living.

When properly understood and mastered, it protects our dignity, fuels our purpose, and gives us the energy to act on what matters most.

Let’s dig a little deeper:

Getting angry is a tool that can either shape your life or destroy it

Anger as a Guardian of Realness, Dignity, and Values

Anger, in its heart of hearts, is protective:

It arises when something we care about – our values, our boundaries, our self-respect, or the people we love – is being threatened. It’s an instinctual way of saying to ourselves “This matters” or” This is not okay” and then getting ENERGISED to DO something about it.

When anger is suppressed or shamed, men lose this protective instinct and they start to let things slide that shouldn’t slide – they tolerate disrespect, they hesitate when action is needed, and, over time, they lose their sense of dignity as their real life starts to slip between their fingers.

Let’s imagine a man, for example, who has spent years avoiding conflict, always trying to keep the peace:

He prides himself on being Mr Easy-going and never causing trouble but – beneath the surface – he feels unseen, unheard, and powerless (because he never stood up to be seen, heard, or to be REAL which is our true source of power).

Mr Easy-going is chronically frustrated but doesn’t know why; he has dreams and ambitions but can’t seem to act on them or commit to anything. He tells himself he’s just “not an angry person” but in reality, his anger has turned inward, suffocating his drive and sense of self-worth and is weighing him down and holding him back.

When we disconnect from our anger, we disconnect from the fire that pushes us forward, and our lives become more and more unreal.

To get REAL again, we need to RECONNECT:

Mastering Anger: From Destruction to Creation

Anger, when left unchecked, can be destructive – it can lead to aggression, violence, or reckless behaviour.

When owned and mastered, on the other hand, anger is a creative force – it fuels action, sharpens focus, and sets and maintains boundaries.

This is where most men get stuck and end up living those lives of quiet desperation – they either:

Suppress their anger completely, turning into passive, frustrated shells of themselves (aka a ‘Nice Guy‘).
Let it explode uncontrollably, hurting themselves or others (then getting called ‘Toxic’).
Try to ‘release’ their anger in a way that actually makes it worse (e.g. hitting a punching bag or screaming in the car but not actually addressing the root cause and so just getting addicted to temporary release).

The thing that’s missing in all these cases is integration (becoming WHOLE again, instead of being FRAGMENTED and filtering everything through an outdated ego).

To integrate anger in a healthy way, there’s a few steps that can help:

Acknowledge it – Recognise when anger arises and what it’s trying to tell you – is a boundary being crossed? Is something important being ignored? What’s the lesson? What’s it realness is being protected?
Own it – Accept that anger is a ‘part’ of you (something that you have, not who you are) – you don’t have to act on it impulsively, but you also don’t need to pretend it’s not there and live in an unreal way.
Channel it – Use anger as fuel for real action – if something in your life is making you angry, do something about it: Set boundaries. Speak up. Take action. Move forward.

When anger is embraced, it transforms because it shifts from raw, chaotic energy into something powerful, decisive, and purposeful.

Don’t run from your anger – use it to CREATE and BUILD a real life for yourself.

Real (Healthy) Anger vs. Toxic (Unhealthy) Anger

One of the biggest myths about (male) anger is that it’s inherently “toxic”‘ – but toxicity doesn’t come from anger itself (or any other emotion, for that matter) – it comes from how it’s used:

Real anger:
✔ Acknowledges an actual problem
✔ Fuels action, growth, and change
✔ Protects values, boundaries, and dignity
✔ Comes from a place of clarity and strength

Toxic anger:
✘ Is rooted in ego, insecurity, or unresolved pain (shame, guilt, and/or trauma)
✘ Seeks to control, manipulate, or dominate others
✘ Expresses itself through manipulation, aggression, or avoidance
✘ Lingers and festers instead of passing through and dissolving (emotions are “e-motion, energy in motion”).

True masculinity isn’t about avoiding anger (or anything else); it’s about mastering it:

It’s about knowing when to stand firm, when to let go, and how to channel raw emotion into something constructive so you can build something REAL.

Breaking Free from the ‘Nice Guy’ Identity

For many men, the struggle isn’t just about anger but more about the false identity (ego) they’ve built around not expressing it. This often shows up as being a “nice guy” who will do whatever it takes to please others and pretty much nothing to please himself (which is a failed strategy as you can’t pour from an empty cup).

The “nice guy” identity is often a defence mechanism, a way to avoid conflict and stay safe (usually because the guy in question has Daddy Issues) – but at what cost?

They avoid difficult conversations and let resentment build.
They struggle to set boundaries because they don’t want to “rock the boat” or to say “no”.
They prioritise being liked over being real.
They feel stuck in life but don’t know why (answer: because they’re blocking the expression of their realness behind ego and not taking real action).

Reclaiming your real anger means breaking free from this pattern; it means stepping into realness, even if it means confrontation and valuing respect over approval.

Being real doesn’t mean being reckless; it doesn’t mean being aggressive; it means being whole – someone who can express anger without fear, but also knows when to let it go and move on with the flow of life to keep growing even more real.

Practical Steps to Reconnect with Your Anger and Purpose

If you feel disconnected from your anger, here’s how you can start integrating it in a real and healthy way:

Identify What Makes You Angry – Start paying attention to what consistently frustrates or irritates you. Are you ignoring something important? Are you tolerating situations that go against your values? What’s the deeper issue within yourself (perception is projection)?
Express It Constructively – Instead of suppressing anger or letting it build up and explode, channel it into direct, real action. If a boundary is crossed, assert yourself; if something needs changing, take action; if you need to GTFO, then GTFO.
Recognise Your Triggers – Are there certain people or situations that make you defensive? What patterns do you see? Understanding your triggers helps you respond rather than react so you can keep moving towards your vision. Check out this free tool that can help you stay on top of this: Hamster Wheel Thought Log
Move Your Body – Physical movement helps process emotion and regulates your nervous system: Strength training, running, martial arts, yoga, or even breathwork can help channel anger into energy.
Develop a Purpose – This is probably the most important thing you can do for your life as a whole – especially in this case, because anger needs somewhere to go. When you have a goal, vision, or purpose, your anger becomes fuel rather than frustration and it’s easier to stay present and move forward from one-moment-to-the-next.
Set Clear Boundaries – Stop saying yes when you mean no. Stop tolerating disrespect. If something doesn’t sit right with you, speak up. Simple.
Let Go of Shame Around Anger – There’s nothing ‘weak’ about being angry or with standing up for yourself. The only problem is when anger controls you instead of the other way around. Learn to own and control it by directing it into your REAL life.

Final Thoughts: The World Needs More Healthy Anger

The world doesn’t need fewer men with anger – it needs more men who own their anger and use it wisely. One of the main reasons the world is so unreal at the moment is because so many men are out of touch with their REALNESS and the anger that can serve as fuel for realising and expressing it.

When anger is expressed in a healthy way, it creates clarity, strength, and purpose; it protects what matters and it moves things forward.

If you currently feel out-of-touch with your masculinity, start by getting angry in a real way—not by lashing out, but by standing up and taking real ACTION.

Your anger is not your enemy – it’s your rocket fuel.

Stay real out there,

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