by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
Remember to Forget the Unreal So You Can Remember Your Realness (and Take Real Action)
We live in a culture obsessed with remembering the past as though our memories are the actual truth:
Photographs, journals, social media timelines – everywhere you look, you’re being reminded to remember even though, paradoxically, the most important memories are often the ones you’ve long forgotten because of your programming and conditioning, while the things you cling to most – like the way that you’ve been ‘wronged’ by the world, your failures, and the stories you tell yourself about yourself – are the ones you really need to let go of.
This article is about a simple but potentially life-changing idea:
Memory is not truth.
What we remember is filtered, distorted, and frequently hijacked by the ego and until we learn to forget the unreal, we’ll always remain separated from our realness.
Let’s dig a little deeper:
Remember to Forget: What We’ll Cover in this Article
- Remember to Forget the Unreal So You Can Remember Your Realness (and Take Real Action)
- Remember to Forget the Unreal and Focus On Your REALNESS
- The Trap of Unreal Memories
- Practical Memory Shifts to Remember to Forget
- The Ego, Memory, and ‘Stuckness’
- Practical Steps for Remembering Your Realness
- The Transformative Power of Learning to Remember to Forget
- Remember to Forget: The Final Word
Remember to Forget the Unreal and Focus On Your REALNESS
A simple but powerful step that we can take on our journey into growing real is to take the radical act of remembering to forget.
This may sound contradictory but it is actually profoundly simple:
Most of us need to forget a great deal of what we remember whilst simultaneously remembering a great deal of what we have forgotten.
The bottom line is that – for many of us – our minds are cluttered with old programming, egoic conditioning, and the residue of shame, guilt, and trauma (the Unholy Trinity).
These are the things that make us see ourselves as less than we truly are, or – even worse – to see ourselves as only a story or character we inhabit rather than an actual living presence in the world.
When I look back, I can remember myself in my twenties imagining that I was some kind of brooding poet type – even though I don’t even like poetry that much (go figure).
Looking back now, it’s clear I wasn’t cultivating depth or artistry but that I was replaying memories that no longer served me and telling stories about myself to myself that reinforced my shame and discomfort (instead of stepping up and growing through it).
Over the years, through conscious self-reflection and shadow work, I started to remember what was actually real instead.
The difference has honestly been staggering and now life – after a lot of effort to battle my own illusions – feels effortless in a way it never did before.
I’m no longer burdened by the memories and narratives that caused me to shrink away from myself and life and instead I’m present and actually real.
It’s mainly because I learned to remember to forget.
The Trap of Unreal Memories
So many of us are making ourselves miserable by holding on to memories that do nothing for us or the world:
We remember people who ‘wronged’ us, keeping score long after the offence is irrelevant; we remember our ‘failures’ – using them as evidence to give up before the next attempt; we remember moments of powerlessness and allow them to define our identity.
These memories are not just harmless reflections of the past – they’re active barriers to presence that prevent us from stepping into our potential and living fully in the now.
We get ‘stuck’ and start to doubt ourselves and life (instead of trusting both) because the mind, when caught in these loops, becomes a prison, replaying the same unreality until it feels like the truth.
Of course, the past is undeniably real and so trauma, loss, and disappointment leave imprints on our nervous system and, sometimes, these experiences literally freeze us up – leaving us trapped in emotional patterns long after the events themselves have passed.
Here’s the crucial point, though:
While we can’t erase what happened, we can CHOOSE how we remember it and can make a conscious choice to stop feeding the ego’s distortions and start engaging with the reality that empowers us instead of illusions that cause us to start fading away.
Practical Memory Shifts to Remember to Forget
The act of learning to remember to forget is not about denial or erasure but about conscious redirection.
Take a look at these examples:
- Instead of remembering who ‘wronged you, remember that you have the capacity to heal relationships or to walk away with dignity.
- Instead of remembering your ‘failures‘, remember the lessons they taught you and the courage it took to continue. Try again or try the next thing.
- Instead of remembering your powerlessness, remember all the times you felt real and actually alive.
The golden rule that’s always worth remembering (literally always) is simple:
What’s real is always real.
This truth about life doesn’t depend on the ego and its distortions because the ego is the opposite of reality and so the only thing worth remembering is reality itself – the parts of you and life that are untainted by fear, shame, and the repetitive stories of the mind.
The Ego, Memory, and ‘Stuckness’
The ego thrives on unreal memories that keep us locked within ourselves:
This is why it uses our recollections to create a fragmented sense of self that is separate, inadequate, and reactive.
When we’re lost in the past like this, we’re not actually living – we’re performing and so we endlessly relive episodes of shame, nostalgia, resentment, or regret, believing these stories define us.
In doing so, we disconnect from what is real and immutable within us (because what’s real is always real).
When we forget reality, we become stuck and so the choices that we make become reactions to memory rather than conscious engagement with life.
The best way to break free, is to train ourselves to reclaim control over two things:
Our thoughts and our focus.
Let’s take a quick look at both of these now:
Directing Your Thoughts
Most people assume their thoughts are real, inevitable, or trustworthy but the truth is that most thoughts are just repetitive, recycled loops of old programming (some studies suggest that 80% of what the average person thinks every day is the same thing).
For this reason, observing thoughts without identifying with them is the first step to reclaiming your mental freedom.
This is because when you learn to do this, you learn to create a space to CHOOSE your response rather than automatically reacting.
Once you observe, you can begin directing your thoughts into your real life instead of the life that’s just an extension of your old emotional ‘stuff’ and your conditioning.
Start to question your own thoughts:
Which thoughts serve my realness? Which thoughts are echoing a past I no longer need? Etc.
By choosing what to entertain and what to release, you uncover the real impulses waiting quietly beneath the noise (impulses the ego had buried in shadow territory) so you can actually start acting and living in a REAL way.
(My free Thought Log tool can really help you with this step: Hamster Wheel Thought Log).
Directing Your Focus
Focus is equally powerful because – as the old saying says – where attention goes, energy flows (or, the way I like to say it to my clients: what you focus on grows – if you focus on the problem you get more problem).
There are two crucial dimensions for directing focus:
- Focus on solutions, not problems: Problems are only obstacles if they dominate your attention so learn to shift focus to actionable steps and opportunities instead of feeding frustration.
- Focus on your vision, not the past: Being present allows you to navigate the landscape of life effectively, and so – when you can engage fully with the now – you can make choices that bridge today with your desired future.
Having a vision still requires presence because without being fully present, you can’t navigate towards your goals and without some kind of direction, there’s nothing to shift your focus onto.
Practical Steps for Remembering Your Realness
The path from being lost in the past to stepping fully into realness is straightforward, but it requires practice and – most importantly – real action.
Here are some actionable steps so you can take this article off of the page (screen) and into your life:
1. Regulate Your Nervous System
Your ability to choose and respond rather than react on autopilot (based on old programming etc.) is ultimately dependent on your nervous system.
This is because trauma, stress, or chronic tension keep you locked in sympathetic dominance (fight-or-flight mode) and so you just see ‘threats’ everywhere which stop you from acting from your realness.
Techniques for regulation include:
- Breathwork: Deep, slow breathing reduces physiological stress and restores clarity (especially nose breathing which is how we’re designed to breath).
- Nature immersion: Walking barefoot on the grass, swimming in water, breathing fresh air, or simply sitting under trees reconnects you to reality.
- Yoga or gentle movement: Helps release stored tension and integrates body awareness (especially yin yoga).
A regulated nervous system creates a foundation for conscious memory work which allows you to observe without being overwhelmed, choose without distortion, and act without ego interference.
2. Clarify Your Vision
A vision is more than just a ‘wish’ or something that you’d ‘like’ from your life – it’s a living, actionable map of your desired future.
The short-version of getting started is start by:
- Defining a vision based around your values that excites and challenges you.
- Breaking it down into measurable goals.
- Establishing daily habits that align with these goals.
With vision as your compass, past memories no longer dictate your journey – instead, they become resources, lessons, or curiosities instead of obstacles.
My free 7-day course will help you remember to forget and to gain clarity on your vision: The 7-Day Personality Transplant System Shock for Realness & Life Purpose.
3. Practice Memory Discipline
Memory can be trained, just like any other skill and the best approach is to start small:
- Each morning, recall one real, empowering experience from your past and carry its energy into the day.
- When negative memories arise, ask yourself: Does remembering this serve me? If not, let it go (the Sedona Method is great for this).
- Before bed, reflect on one thing you’re grateful for in the present and one step that you took toward your vision.
Over time, this creates a default orientation toward reality rather than egoic distortion.
4. Step into Cause, Not Effect
Being real means choosing to operate from a space of CAUSE OVER EFFECT:
Effect is reactive and driven by the past and external circumstances but Cause is creative and rooted in presence, clarity, and aligned action.
In Effect life “just happens” to you but in Cause you can play an active role in making things happen (whilst also accepting that you can’t control everything).
When you forget what’s unreal and remember what’s real, you step into cause which means that you act from your realness, rather than the stories that have been projected onto you.
Check out Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness if you want to step into your realness and let go of the effects of the ego distorting the past.
The Transformative Power of Learning to Remember to Forget
The process of learning to remember to forget isn’t just an intellectual exercise but something that can actually transform your life:
You’ll stop carrying unnecessary baggage; you’ll stop repeating patterns that don’t serve your growth; you’ll open space for joy, creativity, and deep connection.
Realness is presence, clarity, and choice:
By consciously forgetting what binds you to ego and remembering what aligns with reality, you step fully into your own power so you’ll no longer act not out of fear or habit, but out of alignment with what is always true.
When you make this shift, something: extraordinary happens:
Life flows with less friction, relationships become more authentic, challenges become opportunities, and the person you see in the mirror isn’t just a collection of memories, but a living embodiment of possibility, courage, and truth.
Remember to Forget: The Final Word
Memory is NOT truth:
It’s a tool that can either enslave us to ego distortion or guide us toward realness.
To live our real lives, we need to cultivate the art of remembering to forget which means letting go of the memories that no longer serve and reclaiming the ones that reconnect us to what is real.
Forget the grudges, forget the failures, forget the times you felt powerless, and instead CHOOSE to remember the lessons, the successes, the strength, and the presence that never left (because what’s real is always real).
Regulate your nervous system, clarify your vision, direct your thoughts and focus, and step into cause.
In doing so, you don’t merely survive your way through life but you become AWARE of your actual life.
The bottom line is that the world may try to distort your memories but you have the power to reclaim them because you have the power to remember what matters and forget what doesn’t.
Stay real out there,
P.S. If you’re ready to forget the effects of the past and to start remembering your realness so you can step into your potential then book a free coaching session with me and I’ll help you get moving.
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