by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
Trust Issues Usually Means You’re Missing Something About Reality
Trust is the foundation of every meaningful relationship – romantic, platonic, professional, and even the one you have with yourself and life itself.
Despite this many of us find trust to be fragile, easily broken, or seemingly impossible to establish in the first place and so – if you’ve ever found yourself thinking, I can’t trust anyone, or Why do I have trust issues? – you’re probably not alone.
It’s just part of being a human being and doing the human things that humans do (humans gonna human, after all).
The good news is that ‘trust issues’ aren’t a life sentence – they’re simply a signal that something needs to be addressed in your mindset, in your nervous system, or in the way you approach relationships.
And – as always – the best way to get over trust issue is the best way to do anything else: be REAL (because real always works).
When you learn to understand reality as much as possible and the way that you and other people show up in it, you’re better equipped to act in an authentic way and to remove doubt and fear from the equation.
Trust isn’t blind faith; it’s a strategic choice rooted in awareness and self-regulation.
Let’s dig a little deeper and see exactly what that means:
What Causes Trust Issues?
Most people who struggle to trust have been hurt before.
It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out, but it’s not just the betrayal or disappointment that lingers – it’s the loss of faith in their own power and realness.
The short-version is that, at some point, they stopped trusting themselves, which made it impossible to trust others. When this happens, the brain and nervous system shift into survival mode, constantly scanning for threats and then trust basically becomes impossible.
Common causes of trust issues include:
- Betrayal or deception from a close friend, partner, or family member – anybody that we showed our realness to, only to be treated in an unreal way.
- Childhood experiences, such as neglect or inconsistent parenting that causes us to pick up shame, guilt, and/or trauma that sends the real version of who we are into hiding.
- Toxic relationships that eroded your ability to feel safe with others and left you with your guard up.
- Repeated disappointments, making you feel like trusting is naïve and so you created a mask of cynicism to hide behind that stops you going out and living your real life (because in the heart of every cynic is a disappointed idealist who doesn’t want to get hurt again).
- Self-betrayal, where you’ve ignored your gut instincts and paid the price and now you’re not quite sure how to trust your gut again because you’re still angry with yourself.
While these experiences can leave deep scars, trust issues aren’t just about the past – they persist because of how you relate to trust in the present and your fears about the future.
Why People With Trust Issues Struggle in Relationships
If you find it hard to trust, it’s likely affecting your relationships in ways you may not even realise:
1. You Fill in the Blanks with the Past
When trust issues are unresolved, the brain looks for patterns to confirm its fears and the identity we have created to feel safe in the world – this means that when uncertainty arises, you automatically assume the worst based on past experiences.
Instead of accepting that you don’t know and gathering more information, you react defensively, assuming betrayal where there may be none (because you don’t want to feel that old pain again).
2. You Struggle with Boundaries
Many people with trust issues either have too rigid or too weak boundaries:
Rigid boundaries push people away, making it impossible to form close bonds.
Weak boundaries lead to trusting the wrong people and then getting hurt all over again.
What you really need to develop is REAL boundaries that protect your peace and purpose and allow you to respond to life from one moment to the next in accordance with this.
3. You Choose Low-Trust Environments
Fear of being alone keeps many people stuck in low-trust relationships but trust doesn’t mean tolerating toxic behaviour.
It means being real about who deserves your trust and walking away when someone shows they can’t be trusted.
If you have a lot of unresolved emotional ‘stuff’ – especially shame – then you can’t walk away because you feel like you don’t deserve it and so you just stick around in a place where you can’t trust anything (not because you have issues but because it’s a toxic environment filled with threats).
The REAL Way to Overcome Trust Issues
1. Give Everyone the Benefit of the Doubt – At Least Once
Aim to make trust your default setting until there’s evidence to suggest otherwise. This doesn’t mean being naïve; it means assuming people are decent unless proven otherwise.
Giving people one opportunity to prove themselves keeps your heart open while still protecting you.
2. Don’t Force Trust Where It Doesn’t Belong
If someone has shown they can’t be trusted, it’s not your job to fix it. Trust is rebuilt by the person who broke it – not by you bending over backwards to make it work.
A lot of anxiety and depression in relationships is caused because somebody already broke our trust and we’re forcing ourselves to go against the reality of what we’ve seen.
Again: it’s not your responsibility to rebuild but the responsibility of whoever broke the trust in the relationship first and foremost.
3. Learn to Trust Your Gut
Your gut often picks up on things before your conscious mind does.
While it’s not infallible, learning to listen to subtle cues in your body can help you navigate trust wisely.
Use it as a baseline, but always engage your rational mind as well.
4. Rebuild Trust in Yourself First
If you don’t trust others, it’s often because you’ve lost trust in yourself and so you can level yourself and your relationships up by working on yourself:
Rebuilding self-trust means:
- Keeping the promises you make to yourself (let your ‘Yes’ be a Yes and your ‘No’ be a No, for example).
- Listening to your intuition and acting on it until you get a sense of how you gut works and when it can be trusted.
- Making decisions that align with your values and sticking to the things that bring you a sense of growth, purpose, and peace.
- Prioritising looking after yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally so you can keep your nervous system regulated in times of uncertainty (see below for more).
5. Regulate Your Nervous System
If your nervous system is stuck in sympathetic dominance (fight-or-flight mode), you’ll see threats everywhere.
Simple practices like breathwork, yoga, and cold exposure can help you stay calm and present, making it easier to trust the right people.
6. Choose Trustworthy People
Trusting the right people is easier than trying to force trust with the wrong ones. If someone makes you feel unsafe on a deep level, there’s a reason. Trust that feeling because no amount of logic will override what your body knows.
If you find yourself around somebody who constantly leaves you feeling ‘icky’ or weird then you can take this as a clear sign that this person is bad for you and is probably playing games at some level.
7. It’s Better to Be Alone Than in Bad Company
Many people cling to untrustworthy relationships because they fear loneliness but all ‘settling; for low-trust environments does is reinforce your belief that the world is unsafe and can’t be trusted. Instead, choose real relationships that nourish and support you and watch how your ‘trust issues’ dissolve.
8. Communicate Boundaries Clearly
Trust isn’t just about assuming someone won’t hurt you. It’s also about having clear, spoken agreements. Many betrayals happen because people operate on unstated assumptions instead of clear conversations. If trust is important, talk about what it means in your relationships and then make sure you stick to agreements (and everybody else involved does too).
9. Trust Is a Choice
You don’t have to feel trust immediately; you can choose to trust based on all of the evidence available to you (including patterns of behaviour that you spot in people and the information that your ‘gut’ gives you).
In the early stages of relationships, you won’t immediately have enough information so stick to the ‘trust everybody at least once’ rule and trust until proven otherwise. This prevents paranoia and unnecessary conflict.
Final Thoughts: Trust as a Path to Realness
Overcoming trust issues isn’t about becoming blind to reality and just blindly putting your faith in people – it’s about seeing things as they are and acting accordingly by making the right lifestyle choices over time.
Trust isn’t just about avoiding pain – it’s about living fully, without constant fear.
When you’re real with yourself and others, trust becomes second nature because you trust yourself to make good decisions, trust your gut to alert you to danger, and trust the right people to show up for you.
And if someone betrays your trust? You walk away, knowing it’s their loss, not yours.
Stay real out there,
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