by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
Breaking Free from the Opinions of Others and Growing into Your REAL Voice (Stop Caring What People Think and Do ‘You’).
If you’ve ever found yourself paralysed by what people might think about you or hesitated and held back from taking action because of potential whispers, side-eyes, or disapproving looks, then this article is for you – it’s going to help you stop caring what people think so you can grow REAL:
The ‘good’ news is that you’re probably not alone because many of us – often without realising – live in a state of unreal servitude to the perceived opinions of others (and so we become ‘People Pleasers’ etc.).
When we end up falling into this trap, we start shaping ourselves not by what’s real, but by the fleeting thoughts and judgments of people who may not even share our values or aspirations. This can send us on all kinds of wild goose chases as we take action that we shouldn’t ever be taking and walk paths that don’t belong to us.
This brings us to a key lesson of realness:
You need to listen to others in life, but you don’t have to listen to everyone.
When you stop caring what people think in an unhealthy way, you free yourself to go do something that’s true to you.
Let’s dig a little deeper:
The Fine Line Between Awareness and Over-Concern
“It doesn’t matter what other people think” is common advice that gets dished out all over the place but – if we step back and examine it a little – we see that it can be both empowering and dangerous to totally stop caring what people think, depending on the person and the circumstances:
On the one hand, if you blindly reject all external feedback and just STOMP through life doing everything your own way then you risk becoming out of touch with reality – acting purely on impulse without considering the impact of your actions and risking becoming reckless, selfish, or even a little delusional.
On the other hand, if you constantly shape your decisions around how you think others perceive you or might judge the choices you make, then you’ll end up in a psychological prison – never acting authentically, always filtering yourself through the imagined judgments of others, and never getting anywhere new or real.
As almost always, the truth lies somewhere in between:
The TRUTH is that when we’re being REAL, we’re not independent, but interdependent.
Your self-image isn’t formed in a vacuum but is built in response to interactions, feedback, and relationships that you share with the people in the world around you.
This doesn’t mean every opinion holds equal weight but it does mean that you need to CHOOSE which voices are gonna shape you and your relationship with yourself.
The Problem with People-Pleasing
This is really about finding a sweet spot because if you put the opinions of others on a pedestal then you just you spend your life trying to avoid criticism, rejection, or disapproval.
That might help you avoid short-term pain and discomfort but in the long-run, you’ll just end up:
- Watering yourself down to be ‘acceptable’ to everyone (and end up resonating with no one because a ‘friend’ to all is a friend to nobody).
- Avoid taking necessary risks, staying stuck in ‘safe’ but uninspiring patterns and then getting lost to the Void.
- Be easily manipulated by the fears, insecurities, and unresolved issues of others that they project onto you.
- Delay or even abandon your real purpose because you’re too concerned about external validation.
The bottom line is that you can’t find a real purpose and build a meaningful life by outsourcing your sense of self to the opinions of the crowd.
At some point, you have to stand for what’s real – no matter who disagrees – and just say to yourself “I am that I am” and “It is what it is”.
Choosing Whose Opinions Matter
A simple but powerful rule that can help you keep things REAL:
If you wouldn’t want to be like someone, don’t let their opinions define you (or even take advice and/or criticism from them).
Think about it:
Would you take fitness advice from someone who’s never exercised a day in their life and eats donuts for breakfast? Or business advice from someone who’s never started anything? Or relationship advice from someone who’s never even been in a relationship? Probably not.
Yet many of us allow random strangers, bitter acquaintances, or deeply insecure people to influence how we see ourselves because of some random opinion that they’ve expressed and that we CHOOSE to hold onto (usually because we have unresolved shame, guilt, and/or trauma and their opinions get stuck in the brambles).
When we do this, we’re just letting the passing comments of those we wouldn’t trade places with dictate our choices. It’s mental.
A more productive and healthy alternative is to seek something REAL instead…
For example, you can seek out people who:
- Share your real values and ambitions.
- Are living in a way that inspires you and actually DOING things in a real way.
- Have your best interests at heart (even if their feedback is sometimes hard to hear).
- Push you to be better and to help you grow REAL rather than keeping you small and locked in unreality.
Iron sharpens iron: Surround yourself with people who challenge and refine you, not those who try to make you seem smaller or more unreal than you actually are.
You Can’t Control Others – Only Your Response
No matter what you do, people will always have something to say, so you might as well just do whatever it is that you want to do anyway (if it’s real).
You can’t control how people are and how they react and move through life according to their own emotional and ego ‘stuff’ but what you can control is how you respond:
If someone insults you, for example, you have two choices:
- You can hold on to it and get caught up in worrying about their opinion, replaying it over and over in your mind, letting it ruin your day, and trying to make it fit into your reality.
- You can pause, ask yourself what you think about yourself, and act in alignment with that instead.
Nothing is worth taking personally unless you CHOOSE to take it personally.
The truth is, most people don’t even know you well enough to make accurate judgments about you, and – even if they do – their perspective is filtered through their own biases, fears, and personal history. This means that the final decision is always with you anyway.
In short, there’s a difference between REALITY and INTERPRETATION and so not all feedback is truth.
Just because someone thinks something about you doesn’t mean it’s valid (though you might treat it that way if you’re caught up in your unresolved emotional ‘stuff’ more than your REALNESS).
Context Matters: Not All Opinions Are Created Equal
Let’s say someone criticises you – before taking it to heart and treating it as gospel truth, ask yourself:
- Who is this person? Do they know the real me or are they making assumptions?
- What’s their motive? Are they offering constructive feedback or are they projecting their own issues because they have some unreal agenda?
- What’s the emotional state behind their words? Are they speaking from a place of realness or from anger, envy, or insecurity in the moment?
Of course, the context can affect how you need to treat the message:
A random insult from an angry stranger? Not worth your time. A bit of hard truth from a close friend who cares? That might be worth considering.
Again, though, the burden of interpreting feedback is on you – don’t take everything on board straight away but don’t dismiss everything outright either (just know when to stop caring what people think when it really doesn’t matter).
Realness is always the key.
Breaking Free: How to Stop Worrying About What People Think
Here’s a practical strategy for breaking free of being overly-impacted and concerned with the opinions of others:
1. Defining Your Core Values Helps You Stop Caring What People Think
If you don’t know what you stand for, you’ll be swayed by every passing opinion.
It’s worth taking time to define:
- What matters most to you.
- What kind of person you want to be.
- The kind of life you want to create and the values it will embody (for example, truth, freedom, creativity, etc.).
2. Conduct a “Whose Opinions Matter?” Audit
Make a list of people whose opinions you tend to worry about then ask yourself:
- Would I trade places with them?
- Do they share my values?
- Do they genuinely have my best interests at heart?
If the answer is “No” at any level then you can start mentally detaching from their influence.
3. Reframe Criticism as Information, Not a Verdict
When someone criticises you, instead of reacting emotionally, view it as neutral data and then it’ll be much easier to stop caring what people think when that’s the right thing to do:
- Is there any truth here?
- Does this person’s perspective actually matter in my life?
- Am I giving this more weight than it deserves?
4. Strengthen Your Inner Voice
Every morning, set your intentions and know your REAL VISION for where you’re headed in life:
What do I think about myself? What do I want to create today?
Then check-in with yourself at night: Did I live in alignment with my values and vision today?
When you regularly check in with yourself, the opinions of others lose their grip.
(Check out my Flow Builder Journal which has a morning and evening self-check-in for building flow and managing your thoughts to stay real).
5. Take Action Despite Fear
The fastest way to stop worrying about what others think is to do the ‘thing’ you’re afraid of.
- Publish that post.
- Have that difficult conversation.
- Step into that spotlight.
Every time you push through your EDGE, you strengthen your resilience – over time, what once terrified you becomes second nature and you build evidence of your own REALNESS that makes you invulnerable to what other people might think anyway.
Final Thought: The Only Opinion That Truly Matters
At the end of the day, there’s only one person who has to live with your choices that you make in life – You.
You can either live life trying to satisfy the fleeting opinions of others or you can take charge and build a life that’s REAL.
The world will always have its critics – let them keep talking and go DO you.
Stay real out there,
*Based on ‘Revolution’ number twenty seven in Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness
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