Oli Anderson

Hi, I'm Oli Anderson - a Transformational Coach for REALNESS and author who helps people to tap into their REALNESS by increasing Awareness of their real values and intentions, to Accept themselves and reality, and to take inspired ACTION that will change their lives forever and help them find purpose. Click here to read my story about how I died, lost it all, and then found reality.

Enough is Enough: Dancing with the Unreal

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You Won’t Grow Real Until You Realise It’s All Become Unreal

Have you ever been so deeply invested in something – a relationship, a job, an idea, a vision – that you ignored every sign it wasn’t working? You poured everything into it, convinced that if you just worked harder, stayed up later, or gritted your teeth for long enough, it would all come together.

Spoiler alert: it didn’t. And you were left with a creeping sense of unease, frustration, and maybe even the empty, restless feeling of the VOID. If this sounds familiar, then congratulations – you’ve danced with the unreal.

Here’s an uncomfortable truth that eventually hits most of us if we’re lucky: you won’t grow real until you have a moment of reckoning where you realise it’s all become unreal.

The Trap of “It’s All Up to Me”

When we stop trusting – whether it’s trusting ourselves or life itself and the natural flow of events – we fall into a dangerous delusion. We believe it’s all on us. Every decision, every outcome, every hurdle must be conquered through sheer force of will. Sounds noble, doesn’t it? Except it isn’t. It’s ego.

This “me against the world” mentality isn’t a sign of strength; it’s a subtle symptom of mistrust. It’s a mindset that quietly disconnects us from reality and ushers us onto a path that’s totally unreal.

Why? Because when we think it’s all up to us, we stop listening to the subtle guidance life offers. We lose touch with our intuition and promptings from wholness itself – those quiet nudges that point us toward what’s actually aligned with our realness.

Instead, we push forward, forcing outcomes to serve our ego’s agenda rather than our realness and -because strength can only come from something REAL – that means that we’re making ourselves weaker by forcing instead of flowing and letting go.

The Journey of Forcing

In the beginning, this forcing can feel productive. You might even mistake it for inspiration. You’ve got drive, ambition, hustle! But there’s a difference between inspiration – that natural spark that flows effortlessly – and the sweat-drenched slog of willpower-driven perspiration.

The problem is, many of us confuse the two:

We take the inspiration that initially motivated us and, somewhere along the way, replace it with pure effort and force of will. We condition ourselves to associate progress with stress, struggle, and exhaustion. And because we’ve invested so much in walking this path, we become blind to the fact that it’s taking us nowhere.

This is where the sunk cost fallacy creeps in. We think, “I’ve come this far; I can’t stop now”, or, “If I just push a little harder, it’ll all pay off”.

So, we double down. We ignore the signs that life and TRUTH are nudging us in a different direction. We stop listening to ourselves and life because we don’t trust either.

The end result? We bang our heads against the same metaphorical wall, again and again, convinced that persistence will somehow make things work but it never can because force is always unreal and we can only get results in reality.

The Itch That Can’t Be Scratched

Living in this state is like having an itch you can’t scratch. No matter what you achieve or how hard you try, there’s a nagging sense that something is missing. It might show up as frustration, stress, or even a low-level existential dread.

Some people stay in this cycle their whole lives (what Thoreau called “Lives of quiet desperation”). They keep forcing, chasing, and striving, waiting for a breakthrough that never comes. Others burn out, defeated by the constant stress and pressure of carrying the world on their shoulders.

But for a lucky few, something clicks. They get the message. They realise that the wall they’ve been banging their head against isn’t real. In fact, it never was. That’s when they can finally say “Enough is enough” and start making some REAL changes.

The Moment of Realisation

I’m speaking from experience here. I used to be a wall-banger extraordinaire. Every day, I’d throw myself into my goals, thinking that if I just pushed hard enough, I’d break through. But all I got in the end was frustration and a growing sense of dissatisfaction.

Then, one day, it hit me: there was no wall. The only thing I was banging against was myself – my own resistance, my own mistrust, my own unwillingness to let go. My own EGO.

That moment of realisation was both humbling and liberating. I saw that all my effort, all my forcing, wasn’t making life better; it was making me miserable. And the only way forward was to stop. To let go.

Letting Go and Trusting

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up. It means releasing the need to control everything and trusting that life has its own rhythm, its own flow. It’s about recognising that real growth doesn’t come from forcing; it comes from allowing things to happen and making them work in aligment with our real vision.

When you let go, you create space. Space for clarity, for inspiration, for alignment. You start to notice the signs and signals you missed before because you were too busy pushing. You reconnect with yourself and with life.

This isn’t always easy. Trust requires vulnerability. It asks you to surrender the illusion of control and embrace the unknown. But here’s the paradox: the more you let go, the more life tends to work out. Not always in the way you expected (because those expectations were often just ego anyway), but often in a way that’s far better.

Getting Real

Realness isn’t something you achieve by force. It’s something you uncover by peeling back the layers of ego, fear, and resistance. It’s about stepping off the path of ‘should’ and onto the path of TRUTH.

When you stop forcing and start trusting, you align with what’s real. You stop living in service of the ego – with its endless demands and insecurities – and start living in service of your REALNESS of being.

And here’s the beautiful thing: when you’re real, life gets real too. You meet the right opportunities, relationships, and experiences not because you’re chasing them, but because you’re ready for them.

The Courage to Mix Things Up

Let’s be honest: admitting you’re on the wrong path is hard. It takes courage to stop, reassess, and pivot. But staying on an unreal path just because you’ve invested time and energy into it is even harder.

If you’re feeling stuck, frustrated, or disconnected, take a step back. Ask yourself: Am I forcing this? Am I listening to myself and life? Am I chasing an idea of ‘success’ that isn’t even mine and has nothing to do with my real values?

Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is let go of what’s not working and trust that something better will take its place.

It’s Way Better

Trusting life doesn’t mean you won’t face challenges. It doesn’t mean everything will magically fall into place without effort or real action. But it does mean you’ll stop wasting your energy on things that aren’t aligned with your realness.

When you trust, you step into a creative state of wholeness. You stop reacting to life and start co-creating with it. You find flow, ease, and a sense of purpose that no amount of forcing can ever replicate.

So…if you’re still banging your head against the wall, maybe it’s time to pause and ask yourself: Is this real? Or am I just caught in the illusion that it’s all up to me?

Let go. It’s way better. And trust me, real life is waiting on the other side.

Stay real out there,

Victimhood to Responsibility: Taking the Wheel

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Letting Go of ‘Victimhood’ and Growing REAL

Your cat died. My kidneys failed. The neighbours got burgled. The wind knocked over a tree, and now your car’s a write off. Life, in its unfiltered glory, can be a mess.

As the old saying says: “Shit happens”.

Deal with it.

Okay, maybe that’s a touch melodramatic (you can keep the violins), but here’s a reality check: everybody has problems. Your bad day doesn’t cancel someone else’s struggles, just as their hardships don’t erase yours. The truth of life is simple: adversity and struggle are universal – the great levellers, something that unites us all. But what separates us is how we choose to respond.

…and here’s another kicker: no one is coming to save you.

Before you get defensive, let’s unpack this. There’s a huge difference between being a victim of circumstance and choosing to live in the mindset of victimhood.

Yes, bad things happen – sometimes (often) through no fault of our own. But what comes next? That’s where responsibility, empowerment, and the very essence of your personal power come into play – in other words, your REALNESS.

Victimhood: The Loop of Powerlessness

Labelling yourself as a ‘victim’ may feel like a comforting balm in the short-term. You get sympathy, attention, maybe even a sense of moral high ground. But here’s the unspoken truth: victimhood is a trap, and a selfish one at that.

Why? Because when you act as though your problems take precedence over everyone else’s, you’re effectively saying: “My pain matters more than yours” and you end up getting lost to your EGO (which makes all problems worse).

It’s an unintentional but insidious form of narcissism. You’re not just asking for support; you’re demanding others shift their focus away from their lives to validate your struggle. Over time, this mindset doesn’t just alienate others – it robs you of agency. Every time you dwell on the unfairness of your situation, you’re giving your power away to the very thing you feel oppressed by and you become more and more unreal.

Let’s not sugarcoat it: victimhood is disempowering. It’s reactive. It tells the world – and yourself – that you’re at the mercy of circumstances beyond your control. It turns life into something that happens to you, rather than something you actively play a role in creating (though you can’t control everything but you can do your best and accept the rest).

But what if you could flip the script?

Responsibility: The Creative State

Here’s the secret to transforming your life: responsibility is freedom.

Yes, even when things seem unfair. Responsibility doesn’t mean blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong. It doesn’t mean pretending bad things didn’t happen. It means recognising that, while you can’t always control what happens to you, you can control your response.

Responsibility is creative. It’s proactive. It’s REAL. It’s the mindset that asks, “What can I do to move forward?” rather than, “Why me?”

(And – if you didn’t know – life is always moving forward so you might as well choose to move with it towards wherever you’re going).

Let’s take a deeper dive:

  • Stop seeking sympathy. Every time you hunt for another dose of “poor you” validation, you’re reinforcing your own sense of powerlessness. Sympathy might feel ‘good’ in the moment (in a weird way), but it doesn’t solve anything. In fact, it often keeps you stuck. Instead, try focusing on UNCONDITIONAL SELF-ACCEPTANCE. Acknowledge your pain as a signal that something needs to change, but don’t wallow in it and make it worse.
  • Don’t wear your problems like a badge of honour. Having problems doesn’t make you noble. Handling them with courage, grace, and determination does. When you focus on overcoming challenges rather than basking in them, you not only empower yourself but inspire others to do the same.
  • Shift your focus to solutions. Here’s a hard truth: nobody else is going to fix your life for you. But the good news is, you’re not powerless. There’s almost always something you can do – however small – to start changing course and putting yourself on a different path. You don’t have to try and ‘fix’ everything – you just have to LET GO of the things that stop you TRUSTING yourself and life to get where you need to be (and, in this case, that’s all of the underlying emotions and patterns that lead to ‘victimhood’).
  • Embrace gratitude – even for your problems. This might sound absurd, but think about it: if you didn’t have the problems you’re currently dealing with, you’d likely have others. And they might be worse. The challenges you face today are shaping you, testing you, and teaching you something. Find the lesson, and you’ll find the strength to keep moving forward – at the end of the day, you can only ever learn the same thing: to let go of the fragments and to find the WHOLE of yourself and life.

The Myth of the World’s Cruelty

Most of the problems we face aren’t because the world is “out to get us.” More often than not, they’re just the by  –  products of existing in an unpredictable, chaotic universe and then projecting our own ‘stuff’ out onto that chaos. Trees fall. Cars break down. People make mistakes. This isn’t punishment – it’s life.

The ‘meaning’ that we project onto these events (because of underlying shame, guilt, and/or trauma usually) can make life seem like a punishment. What it actually means, though, is that we’re punishing ourselves by holding onto something unreal.

Of course, that’s not to say ‘bad’ things don’t happen at the hands of ‘bad’ people. But even in those moments, how you choose to respond defines whether you stay trapped in victimhood or rise into your power.

Victimhood says, “Why is the world doing this to me?” Responsibility says, “What can I do about it?”

This doesn’t mean denying your pain or pretending everything’s fine when it’s not. It means refusing to let your pain define you.

The Paradox of Responsibility

Maybe it’s ironic but responsibility can feel like a burden, but it’s actually a gift. Taking ownership of your life – even the messy, unfair, chaotic parts – sets you free. It reminds you that, no matter how bad things get, you always have a choice.

  • The Blessing and the Curse of Autonomy: Realising that your life is in your hands is both terrifying and liberating. It’s terrifying because there’s no one else to blame. But it’s liberating because it means you hold the power to change things.
  • Resilience Through Ownership: When you stop waiting for someone to save you and start taking action – even in small, incremental steps – you build resilience. And resilience is what allows you to face life’s curveballs without falling apart.

The Trap of Escapism

Victimhood is often an escape strategy that makes problems wors. It’s easier to blame external circumstances than to confront the hard truth: life is difficult, and there’s no escaping that. But here’s the thing – accepting this truth is strangely comforting. When you stop resisting the reality of challenges, you free up energy to actually tackle them.

As the old saying goes, “Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.”

Choosing responsibility over victimhood doesn’t eliminate pain, but it does eliminate unnecessary suffering.

Moving Forward

So, where does this leave you? If you’ve been stuck in the cycle of victimhood, don’t despair. Recognising the pattern is the first step towards breaking it (Awareness, Acceptance, and Action – works every time!).

Here’s a simple exercise to get started:

  1. Identify one area of your life where you feel powerless.
  2. Ask yourself: What can I do to change this, even slightly?
  3. Take one small action today. It doesn’t have to be big. The important thing is to start.

Remember: responsibility isn’t about perfection. It’s about progress. It’s about taking ownership of your life, one step at a time…that’s how life unfolds for all of us.

Final Thoughts

Nobody’s saying life is easy. It’s messy, unpredictable, and sometimes downright brutal. But it’s also beautiful, filled with opportunities to learn, create, and GROW REAL.

When you embrace responsibility, you reclaim your power. You stop being a passive participant in your own life and start shaping your relationship with reality and your life as a whole – in doing so, you not only improve your own experience but inspire others to do the same.

So, the next time life knocks you down, remember: you’re stronger than you think. And while no one is coming to save you, that’s okay. Because you’ve got this.

Stay real out there,

*Based on ‘Revolution’ number six in Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness

The REALNESS of Presence: How to Break Free from the Chains of the Past and the Future

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The realest way to live is RIGHT NOW.

The past is gone, the present is here, and the future is uncertain. Out of these three, which do you find easiest to work with?

It might seem like a trick question – after all, the past is fixed, the future is unknowable, and the present is fleeting. Yet, the only thing you truly have to work with is this moment, right now.

Regardless of whether you’re on board with the hype about mindfulness, meditation, or the cult of “The Power of Now,” one truth stands unshaken: No present, no consciousness.

If you’re alive and reading these words, your awareness is tethered to the present moment, whether you realise it or not. Looking at the present moment simply means looking at what’s really there. No stories. No projections. Just the raw, unvarnished now.

But let’s not get carried away. Focusing on the present doesn’t mean abandoning the past or ignoring the future. Both have their roles in helping you become a functional, fulfilled and REAL human being. The key is to avoid letting either one dominate your attention.

As the ancient Taoist philosopher Lao Tzu put it:

“If you are depressed, you are living in the past.
If you are anxious, you are living in the future.
If you are at peace, you are living in the present.”

So, how do you move away from the mental tug-of-war between what was and what might be? How do you actually learn to live in the now, instead of just paying lip service to the idea?

The Seduction of the Past

The past can be a dangerous place. It’s like an old photo album – one you can’t stop flipping through, even though some of the pictures make you cringe or weep. Maybe you spend too much time mourning lost opportunities, replaying old arguments, or idolising “better days”.

The problem with the past is that it’s incredibly sticky. It loves to pull you in, trap you in its amber, and convince you that nothing can ever be as good (or bad) as what’s already happened.

If you want to free yourself and start growing REAL then here’s something to remember: the past is a great teacher, not a great master. You’re supposed to learn from it, not live in it (or, more accurately, keep reliving it – whether you want to or not).

Think about it this way: every time you revisit the past, you’re telling your brain to relive those emotions as if they’re happening right now. Your body doesn’t know the difference. It still triggers the same stress responses, the same patterns of regret or longing, and the same shame, guilt, and/or trauma. Meanwhile, the actual present moment is slipping through your fingers, unnoticed and unappreciated.

Ask yourself: What lesson am I really getting from this? If you’re simply indulging in self-pity or clinging to nostalgia, then it’s probably time to cut the cord and start living your real life.

The Anxiety of the Future

If the past is a trap, the future is a maze. Anxiety about what’s coming next can hijack your mind faster than you can say, “What if?”

“What if I fail?”
“What if this doesn’t work out?”
“What if the worst happens?”

All of these WHAT IFs (and any others) are the whispers of a hyperactive imagination, painting hypothetical nightmares on the canvas of your mind. The reality is, no one knows what the future holds – not even the most meticulous planner or the most gifted clairvoyant. Worrying about the future is like obsessively preparing for a storm that may never come.

That’s not to say you shouldn’t make plans or set goals. You should. But there’s a fine line between preparation and preoccupation. Planning gives you direction. Obsessing gives you ulcers.

Instead of asking “What if?” try asking “What now?”

Focusing on what you can do in this moment is far more productive than agonising over things you can’t control.

REALNESS is PEACE is PRESENCE

Here’s the truth about the present moment: it’s fragile, fleeting, and often unremarkable. But it’s also the only place where REAL life actually happens.

Take a moment – right now – and look around you. What do you see?

Maybe you’re sitting by a window, watching the trees sway in the wind. Maybe you’re in a coffee shop, surrounded by the gentle hum of conversation and the clink of spoons against ceramic cups. Or perhaps you’re thousands of feet in the air, gazing down at a blanket of clouds (in a plane, of course).

Wherever you are, the present moment is offering you something precious: a chance to just be. To breathe. To reconnect with the raw simplicity of existence. To RECEIVE your actual life, instead of all your ideas and worries about it.

Peace is found in the present because it’s the only place where you can experience life as it is from the foundation of your REALNESS, without the distortions of memory or imagination. It’s where you can tune into the world around you and your place within it, and where you can tap into something greater than yourself – the whole, unbroken wholeness of life.

Why the Ego Hates the Present

Your ego hates the present moment. It thrives on fear, pride, and desire – none of which exist in the now.

Fear? That’s tied to the past and future.
Pride? That’s a story you tell yourself about what you’ve done or what you’ll become.
Desire? That’s a longing for something just out of reach.

The present moment, by contrast, is quiet. It doesn’t stroke your ego or validate your narratives. It simply is. And that’s why the ego fights so hard to keep you out of it (because the ego is the opposite of reality and wantst to keep you from truth).

But the more you tune into the present, the less power your ego has over you. When you centre yourself and allow yourself to be ROOTED in the ‘now’, you realise that most of your worries and frustrations are illusions – tricks of the mind designed to keep you distracted and dissatisfied.

Practical Ways to Stay Present

  1. Ask Yourself: Am I OK Right Now?
    When your mind starts spiralling into worry or regret, pause and ask yourself: “Am I all right at this very moment?” If you’re still here and still breathing, the answer is usually yes. When we’re disconnected from ourselves because of underlying shame (that always leads to the creation of ego) we can’t forget that we’re SAFE to just be.
  2. Use Your Senses
    Anchor yourself in the present by focusing on what you can see, hear, smell, taste, or touch. Notice the details around you – the colours, the textures, the sounds. GROUNDING TECHNIQUES like this regulate your nervous system and bring you back to presence.
  3. Breathe
    Your breath is always with you, and it’s one of the simplest tools for grounding yourself. Take a few slow, deep breaths and notice how it feels to fill your lungs and let the air flow out. A technique I always recommend to clients (and anybody else who’ll listen) is 4-7-8 breathing: inhale for 4 seconds, retain for 7, and exhale for 8 (and repeat as many times as you like).
  4. Take a “Snapshot” of the Moment
    Pretend you’re a photographer capturing the essence of this exact moment. What stands out? What makes it unique? This will help you to find the moments of beauty that surround us at all times when we’re not caught up in our heads and the misperceptions that the endless thoughts and patterns we’ve identified with can get us ensnared upon.
  5. Let Go of Perfection
    You don’t have to ‘do’ the present perfectly. It’s not about achieving some Zen-like state of enlightenment. It’s about showing up, moment by moment, as best as you can and enjoying the PROCESS of living more than the expected outcomes of living (in other words, we become outcome-independent and find freedom).

The Gift of the Now

The present moment is a gift – not because it’s always pleasant or easy, but because it’s real and, ultimately, that’s all any of us are looking for: a taste of REALNESS.

When you learn to live in the present, you free yourself from the chains of the past and the anxiety of the future. You give yourself permission to experience life as it is, not as you wish it were or fear it might be.

So take a deep breath. Look around. And ask yourself: What’s here for me, right now?

Because this moment – this fragile, fleeting, unrepeatable moment – is all you ever truly have but it will always be everything you need.

Stay real out there,

*Based on ‘Revolution’ number five in Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness

Trust: The Key to Moving Forward (Fast!)

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Stretching your ‘Trust Muscle’ will change your life…fast.

In life, momentum is everything as it brings a feeling of being truly ALIVE. Despite this, so many of us feel stuck, circling around the same fears, doubts, and inaction.

This article will show you that the difference between moving forward and staying exactly where you are -slowly – is trust (specifically: trusting yourself and trusting life).

If you trust, things change fast. If you don’t trust, they stay the same slowly.

Let’s explore why this is true and how trust can unlock a completely different way of living:

Why Lack of Trust Keeps You Stuck

When you don’t trust, you end up in one of two scenarios:

  1. You take no action at all: Paralysed by fear and uncertainty, you hold yourself back, waiting for the “perfect moment” or more guarantees that may never come.
  2. You take reactive action: Instead of making grounded, intentional moves, you act out of fear—fear of failure, rejection, or the unknown. These actions are rooted in False Evidence Appearing Real (F.E.A.R.), not truth.

Either way, you end up disconnected from your own REALNESS and reality itself. You’re either standing still while the world keeps moving or participating in life in an unreal, ineffective way (because you’re motivated by ego, more than anything true about yourself).

The result? You stay stuck, watching as opportunities pass you by and wondering why nothing ever changes and you don’t get the results you want from life.

How Trust Sets You Free

When you trust, you unlock the ability to take inspired, meaningful action because you connect to WHOLENESS instead of fragmentation. Trust allows you to step into the moment and engage with life fully.

Here’s how:

  1. You take intentional action: With trust, you focus on doing your best and accepting the rest. You’re not attached to the outcome in a way that creates anxiety or fear – you’re grounded, present, and able to enjoy the process because you know that what you’re doing came from a place of wholeness and is making you more whole on the way there.
  2. Your actions are responses, not reactions: Instead of reacting impulsively to fear or imagined threats, you respond thoughtfully to the reality of the moment. This allows you to move towards your vision with clarity and purpose and without reinforcing old patterns, narratives, and doubts (of that bloomin’ ego again).

When you trust in this way, everything changes. Your decisions have weight and impact because they’re grounded in truth, not fear. And because you’re aligned with reality, the momentum builds quickly.

Trust Moves You Forward, Fear Holds You Back

I’ve seen people spend years – even decades – stuck in the same place. They hold back, hesitate, and replay the same false stories in their minds about why they can’t move forward. The result? Nothing changes, or worse, things deteriorate over time.

But when you trust, life accelerates. You stop overthinking, stop resisting, and start acting in ways that open new doors. It doesn’t mean you’ll avoid challenges, but it does mean you’ll face them head-on and keep moving forward.

How to Build Trust and Let Go

Trust is something you’re born with but that you probably got conditioned out of (because of F.E.A.R and shame, guilt, and/or trauma) – luckily, it’s a muscle you can develop and start using again.

At its core, trust is about letting go.

Here’s how you can start building trust in yourself and your journey:

1. Let go of your past self

Stop defining yourself by what you’ve done or failed to do in the past. Every moment is a chance to step into something new.

Action: Write down one limiting belief you’re holding onto about yourself (e.g., “I’m not disciplined” or “I always fail”). Then challenge it by listing evidence of times you’ve done the opposite and TRUST this is the REAL ‘You’.

2. Let go of preconceptions about what’s ‘allowed’

So much of our hesitation comes from internalised rules about what we should or shouldn’t do. These rules rarely reflect the truth of what’s possible.

Action: Think of one bold step you’ve been afraid to take because it feels “unrealistic.” Ask yourself: “Is this truly impossible, or am I just afraid?” Commit to it and then TRUST yourself to take it no matter what.

3. Let go of anything that blocks the truth

Trust comes from alignment with truth (because the truth is the only thing we can trust, after all). Anything that pulls you away from your deeper knowing – whether it’s fear, doubt, or external noise – needs to be released.

Action: Practice daily mindfulness or meditation. Spend 5–10 minutes sitting quietly, observing the thoughts and fears that arise. Simply notice them and let them pass without judgement. Get rid of anything that distracts you and blocks your ability to TRUST yourself and life.

Fast or Slow: The Choice Is Yours

Life is always moving – whether you’re participating or not. The question is, will you move with it or stay stuck in hesitation and fear?

If you want momentum, trust is the key. It unlocks the courage to act, the clarity to respond, and the freedom to embrace life as it unfolds.

So let go of the fear. Let go of the hesitation. Step into the truth, and watch how fast things start to change.

Let go and go live.

Stay real out there,

Mastering the Art of Focus: Influence vs Inevitability

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Accepting your real life is the way to changing your life.

This world is your world – but it won’t always bend to your will. Fires will burn, storms will rage, and sometimes life will slap you in the face just to remind you who’s really in charge.

Some things are inevitable = because all control is an illusion on a long enough timeline. But here’s the twist: many things aren’t inevitable. There are whole realms of your life where you can exert influence, where your actions, thoughts, and decisions have immense power. When you FOCUS on these in alignment with a REAL VISION for your life then you become unshakeable.

The secret to staying sane, staying focused, maybe even staying happy, but definitely growing REAL? Learn the difference between what you can change and what you can’t. Master the art of knowing where your time, enegery, and attention actually belongs.

The Prison of the “What Ifs”

You can waste your whole life in the prison of “what ifs.” I know this because I’ve been there. When I was diagnosed with chronic kidney failure, I spent countless hours replaying the past like a scratched record. What if I’d done something differently? What if this wasn’t happening to me?

But here’s the cold, hard truth:

The past doesn’t care about your regrets, and the future doesn’t care about your fantasies.

All that matters is what you do now.

Once I stopped trying to bargain with inevitability, I realised something: I didn’t have control over my condition, but I did have influence over how I lived with it. And that shift – from control to influence – changed my life and turned a breakdown into a BLESSING that I’m eternally grateful for even to this day (I wouldn’t be the person I am now without letting go of everything unreal and finding the REAL ‘stuff’ on the other side of it all).

Radical Honesty (and a Bit of Audacity)

Here’s where it gets uncomfortable:

To sort the world into influence vs inevitability, you have to get brutally honest with yourself. No more sugar-coating your shortcomings. No more excuses about why you’re stuck where you are. You’ve got to look at your life with the same detachment you’d use to sort through a messy wardrobe:

Keep what fits. Throw out what doesn’t.

But don’t stop there either: pair that honesty with a bit of audacity. Be playful. Experiment. Ask yourself: What happens if I push here? Maybe there’s more you can influence than you think. Maybe you’re stronger than you realise. Or maybe you’re wasting your time fighting battles that don’t belong to you. Either way, the process is worth it because it will help you find a solid foundation of TRUTH and on top of that anything you build will be REAL.

The Yin and Yang of Life

Life is a dance between influence and inevitability, between the yin of surrender and the yang of action. There are things you can shape – your habits, your health, your creative projects. And there are things you can’t – death, ageing, the laws of physics. But even the inevitabilities aren’t completely off-limits.

Take ageing, for example. You can’t stop the clock, but you can stay active, eat well, and look after your mental health. Worried about being forgotten after death? Build something meaningful – a book, a business, a relationship.

Sure, none of it guarantees immortality, but that’s not the point. The point is to engage with life, not waste it chasing control you’ll never have and wasting the only life you do have.

The Illusion of Control

Modern life thrives on the illusion of control. We’re told we can hack, optimise, and hustle our way out of anything. But that’s a lie. On a long enough timeline, control fades. What’s left is influence – and influence is what really matters because it begins with your realationship with yourself and reality (and the great dance between the Shadow Self and the Ego).

If you waste your energy clinging to control the uncontrollable, you’ll miss the chance to shape the things that actually count. But when you accept reality, something magical happens: your influence grows because YOU grow. You start to move with life, not against it. You stop swimming upstream and let the current carry you, guiding your strokes where they’re needed most.

The Freedom of Letting Go

Here’s the bottom line: the less time you spend fighting inevitability, the more time you have to build the life you want. If you can’t change something, stop obsessing over it. Let it go. Focus on what’s real, what’s here, what’s yours to shape.

Because life isn’t about controlling the uncontrollable. It’s about making an impact where you can and growing into wholeness on the way there. Forget the illusion of control. Embrace the power of influence. And watch how much lighter – and freer – you feel.

Stay real out there,

*Based on ‘Revolution’ number four in Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness

The Yin and Yang of Productivity (The 80:20 Rule)

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Finding balance by going hard 80% of the time.

There’s a seductive myth that modern culture loves to peddle: that you need to give 100% of yourself, 100% of the time, to achieve anything worthwhile. But let’s get real for a second: that kind of all-or-nothing mindset doesn’t lead to greatness – it leads to burnout, stress, and eventually, the death of your passion.

Instead, life demands balance, much like the interplay of Yin and Yang: effort and rest, light and dark, activity and stillness. Enter the 80:20 rule: an approach that allows you to thrive by giving 80% of your energy to the pursuit of your goals and 20% to simply living (though, of course, your REAL GOALS will feel like really living too).

The Harmony of Effort and Rest

Yin and Yang exist in everything, constantly balancing and complementing one another. The 80:20 rule works the same way. Your 80% is the Yang: your action, your drive, your momentum towards growth. The remaining 20%? That’s your Yin: rest, reflection, play – everything that nourishes your soul and recharges your batteries. Life is about striving for your goals, sure, but it’s also about enjoying the ride and making sure you have the energy to keep riding.

By pouring all your energy into work with no room for recovery, you tip too far into Yang, and things start to fall apart. Burnout creeps in. Your creativity and REALNESS start to wane. You lose touch with the why behind all the effort. That 20% Yin is what keeps your fire burning. It’s the time you spend strumming Leonard Cohen songs badly on your guitar (speaking from personal experience), having dinner with friends, or getting lost in nature. If you’ve been conditioned to “always be hustling” then it may feel “unproductive,” but don’t be fooled – it’s where you find the strength to keep going and growing more REAL.

Time: The Most Precious Resource

Death has a funny way of putting things into perspective. The fact that your time is limited is precisely what makes it so valuable. But here’s the paradox: using your time wisely doesn’t mean squeezing productivity out of every second. If you’re constantly ‘on’, you risk running yourself into the ground, achieving far less in the long run than if you’d allowed yourself a little stillness.

Like I always like to say: LIFE’S TOO SHORT TO RUSH.

Sometimes, the most ‘productive’ thing you can do is nothing at all.

It’s in those moments of Yin – idleness, quiet, or play – that your mind finds the clarity to connect the dots… History is full of examples of breakthroughs arriving not during bursts of hard work but in moments of rest (when your unconscious mind isn’t distracted and can process what you need to know to take the next steps).

In short: you’re far more likely to have your next big idea while staring at the clouds than hunched over your laptop, knackered and frazzled.

Busy Isn’t Better

Our culture is obsessed with being ‘busy’. We wear it like a badge of honour, as if the more overwhelmed, nervous, and ansious we are, the more successful we must be. But let’s call this out for what it really is: bullshit.

Being “busy” all the time isn’t a sign of success; it’s a sign you’re drowning. True success doesn’t come from endless hustle – it comes from finding your real balance.

The 80:20 rule stops you from falling into the trap of equating activity with achievement. It forces you to prioritise what actually matters. Focus on the results you want to create and allow yourself the space to recharge. When you give yourself permission to rest, you return to your work sharper, more creative, more motivated, and MORE REAL than ever.

Rest Is Strength

Yin doesn’t weaken Yang – it fuels it. Rest isn’t laziness; it’s strategy. Without moments of stillness, you risk running on autopilot, letting your ego take over while your deeper intelligence stalls. You lose the magic of being truly present, and the quality of your work – and life – suffers.

By embracing the 80:20 rule, you allow your Yin to balance your Yang. You learn to work with the natural rhythm of life instead of against it. Rest creates the space for ideas to flourish, for passions to reignite, and for life to feel meaningful again.

Find Your Balance

In the end, life isn’t about how much you can do – it’s about the quality of what you create and the relationships you cultivate along the way. Success is born from balance: effort and rest, action and reflection, dynamism and stillness, Yang and Yin.

So, stop trying to push through life at 100:0. Give your all when it matters most, but leave room for the softer moments too. It’s in this balance that you’ll find real success – not just in what you achieve, but in how fully you live.

(My ‘balance’ seems to be 80:20 but maybe yours is 50:50 or whatever else – tweak and find what works for you).

Stay real out there,

*Based on ‘Revolution’ number three in Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness

Trust is the Point Where You Can Do It Without Thinking

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Maybe all you need to do is to let go.

When I first set out to master handstands in my yoga practice, I didn’t expect it to be easy. But what I did know was that if I wanted to level up, I had to fully commit. For about a year, I focused on nothing but handstands, and while the process was challenging, I learned some valuable lessons about trust, effort, and letting go.

If you’re struggling with self-trust, whether in yoga, your career, or life in general, this story might offer a few insights.

The Importance of Consistency and Commitment

For years, I had dabbled with handstands here and there. But this time was different. I committed to being consistent. It wasn’t about trying a little here and there; it was about showing up every single day.

This is where the law of Cause & Effect came into play. Every small action, every practice session, added up. It always works. The more you put in, the more you get out. But it also requires that you stay committed to the process, no matter how many times you fall.

The Trial and Error Process

Like any skill, learning a handstand wasn’t smooth sailing. I had to go through the trial-and-error phase, where I fell countless times, landing on my back, shoulders, and head—each time learning a new lesson. The key here was not avoiding failure, but rather embracing it as part of the process.

I started with the basics:

  1. Hands: I had to figure out exactly where to place my hands on the floor for the best stability.
  2. Elbows: Locking my elbows helped me engage the muscles needed for balance.
  3. Shoulders: I needed to make sure my shoulders were in the right position to avoid straining.
  4. Core & Legs: Engaging my core and legs was crucial for keeping everything aligned and controlled.

As you can see, handstands aren’t just about going upside down—they’re a series of small adjustments that build on each other.

The Final Step: Trusting My Body

Once I had mastered the basics and built a solid foundation, there was one thing left to do: trust my body and let go.

Here’s the big realisation: My body already knew what to do. After all that practice, the muscle memory was there. But the fear—fear of falling, fear of not succeeding—was holding me back.

Fear, I realised, is just “False Evidence Appearing Real” (as some genius once said – don’t know who). It wasn’t a true threat; it was just my mind trying to protect me from perceived danger.

Why You Might Struggle with Trust

If you struggle to trust yourself or life, you may be facing one of two situations:

  1. You need more practice: Perhaps you haven’t quite reached the point of unconscious competence. In other words, you haven’t put in enough consistent effort to get to the point where you can trust yourself without overthinking.
  2. You’ve done enough, but you’re holding back: This is when fear becomes a block. You’ve built the foundation, but something is stopping you from fully letting go and trusting that you’re ready to move forward.

Either way, trust comes when you’re ready to stop thinking and start doing from a place of deep internal knowing.

The Power of Letting Go

Once I let go of the fear and fully trusted that my body knew the steps, I could do the handstand without thinking. It wasn’t about forcing it or worrying about every detail; it was about stepping into a space where my body and mind were in alignment, and the flow took over.

When you trust yourself, you don’t have to consciously think through every action. You just do. And that’s when you see results—without the effort.

Practical Steps to Build Trust in Yourself

If you’re ready to step into this space of trust, here are some practical steps you can take:

1. Commit to Consistency

Whether it’s a physical practice, a project, or a goal, commit to showing up consistently. Trust that the small, daily efforts will accumulate and lead to mastery.

Action: Set a goal to show up every day for 30 minutes, whether it’s practicing handstands, working on a skill, or something else. No excuses, just consistency.

2. Embrace the Trial and Error

Don’t be afraid to fail—failures are just stepping stones to success. Each failure brings a lesson that brings you closer to mastery.

Action: Keep a journal of your learning process. Write down each mistake and what it taught you, then use that knowledge to improve.

3. Acknowledge Your Progress

If you feel stuck, take a moment to look back and recognise how far you’ve come. Acknowledge your unconscious competence—you might be ready to trust yourself more than you think.

Action: Take a step back and celebrate your wins, even the small ones. Recognising your progress helps shift your mindset and allows you to let go of the fear.

4. Let Go of Fear

Fear is often the only thing standing between you and your goals. Recognise that fear is not real, and let go of the mental block that’s holding you back. Trust yourself and trust the process.

Action: When fear arises, take a deep breath and visualise yourself succeeding. Let go of the “what-ifs” and focus on the “I am ready.”

5. Stop Overthinking

At some point, you need to stop thinking about the steps and just do. Trust that your body and mind have the tools to succeed, and let go of the urge to control every outcome.

Action: In moments of doubt, repeat a mantra like, “I am enough,” or “I trust the process.” Let your body take over and perform without overthinking.

Conclusion: Trust Yourself and Let Go

The point where you can do it without thinking is the point where you’ve built enough trust in yourself and in the process. Whether you’re working on a handstand, a career, or any other goal, remember that trust comes from consistency, embracing mistakes, and letting go of the fear that holds you back.

So, get out there, put in the work, and trust that you’re ready for the next step. The results will come when you stop thinking and start trusting.

Go get it and stay real out there,

A Bias for Action: Break Free from Passivity

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“I’m not what happened to me, I’m what I choose to become” – Carl Jung

Life is not something that just happens to you—it’s something you actively create. The difference between being a passive observer and an empowered participant in your own story is enormous. The key to creating the life you want lies in one simple concept: bias for action. When you adopt a bias for action, you are no longer waiting for the perfect moment or for the world to change around you—you are actively driving your own journey.

This doesn’t mean you can control every obstacle that comes your way but it does mean that you can DO YOUR BEST AND ACCEPT THE REST.

Actually, what you can control is your response to those challenges. You don’t need to have the perfect solution every time, but you must keep moving forward. The power to continue pushing ahead, even in the face of uncertainty or adversity, comes from your ability to act. It’s not about having everything figured out from the start; it’s about knowing what you want and taking the next step, no matter how small.

When you do that, the next step will appear, then the next one, and then the next one…

The Power of a Bias for Action: BE, DO, and HAVE

If you want to take control of your life, start by deciding what you want to BE, DO, and HAVE. These decisions are the foundation of your true purpose. Don’t wait for the “perfect” plan to materialise—just start. Break your goals down into manageable chunks and begin the process of taking action, even if it’s just a small step each day.

The key to moving forward is consistency, not perfection. It’s easy to get caught in the trap of trying to do everything all at once, but that only leads to overwhelm. Instead, focus on incremental progress. Every day, make it a habit to take a small, purposeful action that brings you closer to who you want to become and what you want to create. Refuse to wait for things to happen—make them happen by adopting a bias for action.

Action: The Catalyst for Change

Whenever you feel stuck, overwhelmed, or lost in the chaos of life, know this: the only way out is through action. Action is the real force that shapes your world. It’s the antidote to doubt and confusion, and it’s the most reliable way to keep yourself aligned with the unfolding flow of life. This doesn’t mean doing things just for the sake of it – sometimes it’s better to actively do nothing so you can recharge and reflect – but it means that you always know why you’re doing what you’re doing and you’re not lapsing into passivity and inertia (which always leads to friction, frustration, and then eventual misery).

In a world that’s constantly evolving, action is your anchor. You don’t have to know exactly where you’re headed; you just need to keep moving forward. When you act, you engage with the world, and that engagement will always move you closer to your goals. Action creates momentum, and momentum is what will keep you in motion, even when things feel uncertain or slow.

More importantly, it will make you REAL because as you pick up speed all your illusions won’t be able to keep up and you’ll free yourself from old patterns and idenities (this is why I always get my clients to take action at the start of a coaching journey: it starts to reveal what’s real and what’s not).

Living with Purpose: Action Driven by Values

A bias for action becomes even more powerful when it’s aligned with your deepest values and vision. To live a fulfilled, meaningful life, you need a vision that transcends the ordinary day-to-day hustle. A clear sense of purpose gives you the motivation to act, especially during challenging times. Your real vision is linked to your core values, and when you take action based on these values, you not only elevate your own life, but you also contribute something of real value to the world (because you can “Make your values valuable to others” as it says in Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness).

Whether your vision is to build a business, create a family, or contribute to your community, ensure it’s something that motivates you to take action every single day – break your vision down into goals and your goals down into habits and then ACT. Knowing your vision gives you the clarity you need to act decisively and stay on track, even when setbacks arise.

Momentum: Action Breeds More Action

The beauty of adopting a bias for action is that it creates a cycle of momentum. The more action you take, the more action you’ll want to take. Each small step you take towards your goal leads to more energy, more confidence, and more drive to keep moving forward. This momentum builds upon itself, propelling you towards greater achievements and helping you stay connected to your purpose, even when obstacles arise.

In moments of inertia or uncertainty, it’s essential to return to action. Ask yourself: What can I do today to move closer to my goal? Even if it’s a small, seemingly insignificant step, that action will break the inertia and put you back in control of your journey. Every action you take, no matter how small, keeps you in alignment with your goals and your mission because you can always learn from it and figure out what’s REAL for you and what’s not.

Conclusion: Make Life Happen with a Bias for Action

Ultimately, life isn’t something that simply happens to you—it’s something you make happen. The key to creating the life you want is not about waiting for the perfect circumstances or for someone to hand you the right opportunity. It’s about developing a bias for action: deciding what you want, committing to your purpose, and taking consistent steps toward your goals as you continue to learn and grow real.

Action is the most powerful tool you have. When you adopt a bias for action, you are not a passive passenger in your life—you are the driver. You move forward with purpose, regardless of the obstacles or uncertainties that may arise.

So, embrace the bias for action: get clear on your mission, take the next step, and keep pushing forward. Life is yours to create—make it happen.

Stay real out there,

*Based on ‘Revolution’ number two in Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness

Break Free from Illusion: Understanding the Difference Between Physical and Sociocultural Laws

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In a world that often feels overwhelming and out of control, it’s easy to fall into the belief that things are the way they are because they must be. We often assume that the rules we follow—whether natural or societal—are rigid, unchangeable, and beyond our ability to influence. But here’s the truth: not everything around us is set in stone.

What if we’ve been living under the illusion that the way things are is the way things have to be? What if, by understanding the difference between the physical laws of nature and the sociocultural laws of society, we could break free from this illusion and start living with more freedom and possibility?

In this post, I want to explore this powerful idea. By examining these two types of laws—one rooted in nature and the other shaped by human society—you can free yourself from the limiting beliefs that have been holding you back, enabling you to create meaningful change in your own life and the world around you.

The Immutable Physical Laws: Grounding Yourself in Reality to Break Free from Illusion

Let’s begin with the physical laws of nature. These laws are universal. Gravity pulls everything towards the Earth. Friction creates heat and causes fire. All living things eventually decay. While science continues to uncover more about the universe, there are certain fundamental truths we can’t deny.

These physical laws form the very fabric of our reality. Trying to defy them would be like trying to break the law of gravity by jumping off a building expecting to fly or standing in front of a speeding car and hoping it won’t harm you. These actions would only lead to disappointment—or worse.

But here’s the thing: accepting these laws doesn’t mean we’re powerless. It doesn’t mean we must simply submit to life’s challenges and do nothing. Accepting the reality of the physical world allows us to navigate it more effectively. By grounding ourselves in the truth of these unchanging laws, we can focus our energy on what is possible rather than what’s beyond our control.

If you resist these physical laws, it’s like fighting against the current of a river. The harder you fight, the more exhausted you become. But when you accept them, you can flow with the current, moving forward in the direction of your goals.

Breaking Free from Sociocultural Laws: The Illusion of “How Things Should Be”

While the physical laws of nature are fixed and undeniable, there’s another category of laws that we often mistake for being equally immutable: sociocultural laws. These are the rules, norms, and systems created by humans to govern society and culture. But unlike the laws of nature, these are not absolute. They are constructed, and that means they can change.

Think about it. You might be reading this post in a coffee shop, a cozy living room, or while waiting for a train. All of these spaces were designed by people—architects, designers, and engineers—who made decisions about how to structure the space. They weren’t “discovered” by humans—they were created. And just like these physical spaces, the laws, structures, and norms of society are products of human choice.

What does this mean for you? It means that if it was created by humans, it can be changed by humans. Whether it’s a cultural norm, a social expectation, or a system of governance, it’s not as fixed as we often think. In fact, society itself has evolved countless times throughout history, shifting according to the needs and desires of the people within it.

Here’s where the illusion comes in. Many of us live under the belief that certain societal norms—how we work, how we express ourselves, or how we interact—are set in stone. We think things must be a certain way because that’s how they’ve always been. But this is a trap. It’s an illusion that keeps us stuck in a cycle of limitation.

The Power of Action: Turning Thought Into Real Change

Once you understand that societal laws are flexible and subject to change, a whole new world of possibility opens up to you. This realization gives you the power to reshape your life, your environment, and even society itself. But this doesn’t happen by waiting around for change to come to you. Change starts with you.

Taking action is the key to breaking free from the illusion of limitation. It’s about moving from thought to action, from desire to real-world impact. If you have a vision for something different, whether it’s in your personal life or for society at large, you don’t need permission to start. The power to create change lies within your ability to take the first step.

It doesn’t mean the road ahead will be easy—real change rarely is. But when you recognize that societal norms aren’t unchangeable laws, you can begin to act with confidence and intention. Change is possible, and it starts with your willingness to challenge the status quo and take bold action.

Embrace Change: The Freedom of Realizing Nothing is Set in Stone

The bottom line is this: while physical laws like gravity are fixed and beyond our control, the laws that govern our societies and cultures are made by humans—and that means they can be changed. This understanding is liberating because it frees us from the belief that things are set in stone, that we’re trapped in a reality we can’t alter.

By breaking free from the illusion that things must always be the way they are, you open the door to true freedom. Whether you’re challenging cultural norms, redesigning your personal life, or even pushing for social change, the truth is this: if it’s not a physical law, it’s open to transformation.

So, the next time you feel trapped by society’s rules or stuck in a situation that seems unchangeable, remind yourself: This is not an immutable law of nature. If it’s not gravity or time itself, it can be changed. And if you have the vision and the will to act, you can be the one to make that change happen.

By embracing this truth, you’ll begin to break free from the illusion of powerlessness and step into a life where anything is possible.

Now, the next time someone tells you “this is just the way things are,” you’ll know the truth: it’s only that way because we’ve accepted it. And once you stop believing that, you unlock the power to break free from the illusion of limitation and shape a new reality for yourself and those around you. The world isn’t as fixed as it seems—it’s ready for transformation, and you’re the catalyst.

*Based on ‘Revolution’ number one in Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness

Escape the Matrix in 4-Steps: From Projection to Presence

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This article is about moving from projection to presence to escape the Matrix

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This article is based on a transcript from this video on my Youtube Channel.

Welcome! Today, we’re diving into a topic I like to call “Escaping the Matrix” or “Moving from Projection to Presence”—which, in essence, are the same thing. This discussion is inspired by various philosophies, including Carl Jung’s work and Plato’s allegory of the cave, which both explore the idea that perception is projection.

What we often see in the world is, quite frequently, a projection of our own hidden thoughts or unresolved issues. This becomes especially relevant when we’re feeling stuck, blocked, unhappy with life, or constantly triggered by things around us. If that sounds familiar, it’s likely that projection is at play.

A great way to think about projection is with the phrase “it takes one to know one.” If something or someone really annoys you, chances are, you’re seeing a reflection of something within yourself—something disowned or hidden.

If we want to find freedom and escape this Matrix of projections, there are two essential things we need to do:

  1. Drop the projection: Learn to recognise when you’re projecting your own issues onto others or the world around you.

  2. Realign with presence: In the present moment, we can reconnect with our natural drive towards wholeness. This is crucial if we want to feel authentic, process what’s happening inside ourselves, and move towards our real goals and vision for life.

In this article, I’ll walk you through four steps to help you drop projections and realign with presence. So, let’s get started.

Projection was popularised by Carl Jung

What is Projection?

In case you’re unfamiliar with the term, projection was popularised by Carl Jung, who coined it. However, the concept has been around for as long as humans have been reflecting on their experiences—it’s a fundamental part of the human condition.

At its core, projection refers to the idea that we all have disowned parts of ourselves, parts we hide in the shadow self. We push them out of conscious awareness, behind the ego, to avoid facing them directly. Instead of dealing with these hidden aspects, we project them onto the external world. This gives us a sense of distance from the uncomfortable emotions or traits we don’t want to acknowledge. It allows us to maintain the identity we’ve built around our ego, which is often shaped by shame, guilt, trauma, and past experiences.

The problem with this is that it may provide short-term security but ends up damaging our relationship with ourselves, the world, and reality. Reality is always changing, always flowing towards wholeness, while the ego is a fixed conceptual box we put ourselves in.

Projection is a sign that we need to make changes—we need to let go of certain things, integrate unresolved emotions, and release pent-up feelings. If you’re constantly reactive, wound up, or feeling stuck, it’s a safe assumption that projection is at play. The reason it’s useful to assume this is because it gives you the power to explore what’s really going on inside.

Not everything we experience is 100% projection, of course. Sometimes, people or situations are just annoying or challenging in their own right. But even in those cases, assuming there is some projection involved can help raise your awareness and enable personal growth. If you assume there’s a hidden quality within you, it allows you to investigate and improve your relationship with yourself.

We know projection is a real phenomenon because people can react to the exact same situation in vastly different ways. For example, one person might look at a rose and see only its beauty, admiring its petals and vibrant colours. Another person might focus on the thorns, reflecting on pain and danger, seeing only the darker side. It’s the same rose, the same trigger, but it activates completely different responses in each person based on what’s going on inside them.

This is the essence of projection: the world is not the problem; it’s the unresolved parts of ourselves that cause the issues. By dropping projection, we can start to face these internal challenges and, ultimately, live the life we truly want.

If you’re disconnected from who you really are, you become fragmented within yourself

Now, let’s move on. The short version of all this is simple: if you’re disconnected from who you truly are, you become fragmented within yourself, and that inner fragmentation will reflect in your experience of the world. The world will always seem slightly disconnected, as if there’s a gap between you and what you’re experiencing. But this isn’t due to how the world is—it’s because of how you are.

As someone once said, “We don’t see the world as it is, but as we are.” This is another way of talking about projection—perception is projection. What we see is merely a reflection of ourselves. Once you understand this, it becomes much easier to free yourself from many of the threats, annoyances, and small frustrations in life, because you can start to take ownership of them.

The key to taking ownership is to drop the projection, which allows you to return to the natural flow towards wholeness—where you truly belong, and where real life is experienced. When you drop the projection, you drop the barriers, and this allows you to flow and evolve with life, instead of working against it by creating an illusory separation between yourself and the world.

To clarify, the opposite of projection is presence. When we’re present, we’re not trapped in the ego’s box that filters everything. We’re simply in life, allowing our emotions and thoughts to flow as they need to, which means they can process properly. Emotions, after all, are energy in motion. By being present, we stop perceiving the outside world as a threat, because we’re no longer projecting our internal fragmentation onto it. Instead, we use it as a springboard to connect more deeply with wholeness.

If we keep choosing presence, we can get out of our heads and allow our body to release tension and stress. These tensions are held in place when we lock things behind the ego, blocking the natural flow. By choosing presence, we stop holding on and simply exist in the moment.

Lao Tzu is often quoted as saying: “If you’re depressed, you’re living in the past. If you’re anxious, you’re living in the future. If you’re at peace, you’re in the present.” The idea is that when you’re present, you’re not burdened by the past, nor are you fearful of the future. You’re simply real, flowing with life, able to respond rather than react.

This is the problem with projection: it causes you to react, and all reactions are just products of old conditioning. That conditioning is what keeps you trapped in the ego. When you project your ego onto life, you’re always stuck in the Matrix because you’re not present enough to be free, to truly flow with real life.

And that’s why all of this is so important to understand.

How do you drop the projection?

Let’s get into the practical side of things and try to keep it concise. I’ve explained what projection is and how presence is its opposite. By being present, you align yourself both internally and externally with the natural drive toward wholeness. But how do you actually drop projection?

Projection exists because we don’t want to own the feelings inside us. It could be shame, guilt, fear, trauma—or even positive emotions like joy or love. We disown these feelings and send them into the shadow, unwilling to accept them, which means we don’t accept ourselves. Instead, we project them onto others.

The way to drop projection is by letting go of the story that accompanies the feeling. For example, in the rose scenario I mentioned earlier, someone might avoid the rose and tell themselves a story about the thorns, pain, and horror. But that story is driven by an underlying feeling of existential dread. When we focus on the story rather than the feeling, we’re just rearranging the mental furniture—shifting beliefs and concepts—while the core issue remains untouched.

The ego is simply an interpretation of reality, not reality itself. If we step back from that interpretation and allow ourselves to be present, we can feel what we need to feel without blocking it with these conceptual stories. And by doing so, the emotions will move and do what they’re supposed to do—because emotions are energy in motion (e-motion). The natural drive is always toward wholeness, and we allow it by welcoming our feelings instead of resisting them. As the saying goes, “What you resist persists.”

When you focus on the story, which is a defense mechanism of the ego to keep shadow material hidden, you’re resisting. Resistance causes stress, tension, and emotional buildup. However, when you drop the story and focus on the sensations of the feeling itself, you can experience safety instead of perceiving the feeling as a threat. From there, the emotion will begin to dissolve and move naturally.

At the core of this process is the ability to distinguish between interpretation and reality. People often confuse their interpretations with reality itself. But interpretations are always conceptual; they aren’t the real thing. The real thing is the sensation in your body and the emotion you’re feeling. When you focus on the emotion instead of the story, that’s when you can move forward.

Here are four steps to help you drop projection, become present, and move forward as you were naturally designed to do:

1. Slow Down

The first step is to slow down. This helps your nervous system stop perceiving emotions as threats and allows you to feel safe. A big issue is that we often can’t tell the difference between physical danger, like a poisonous spider, and emotional discomfort. When you slow down, you relax and get out of the sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight mode). You can do some simple breathing exercises, like 4-7-8 breathing or 4-4 breathing for a couple of rounds, to help yourself feel grounded and safe. The goal here is to remind yourself that it’s safe to feel.

2. Feel the Sensation

Allow yourself to fully experience the sensations without running away. Instead of resisting, simply feel it. Emotions are just energy that needs to move, and when you let go of resistance, the emotion will start to flow naturally.

3. Zoom Out

Take a step back and gain some perspective. Often, when we’re caught up in a projection, we’re stuck in a story our ego has created. By zooming out, we can approach the situation with realness, acceptance, and perhaps even unconditional love. From this higher perspective, you’ll see that you’re limiting yourself with your interpretations. This gives you the security you need to feel without the constraints of ego-driven stories.

4. Maintain a Higher Perspective

Stay connected to this broader, more authentic perspective. From this place of wholeness, see if there’s an intuitive message or prompt about how to move forward in the situation. When you operate from wholeness, you’re not caught up in reactivity, conditioning, or the ego’s traps. Instead, you’re responding from a place of realness, allowing yourself to receive answers from within, which is always available but often obscured by interpretation and projection.

This process is something you can apply whenever negative emotions surface. When you notice yourself caught in hamster-wheel thoughts or blaming others or situations, drop the projection and recognize that it’s already inside you. By allowing the emotion to move naturally, you’ll create the space to return to presence.

Let’s break these steps down a bit more.

Step 1: Slow Down

Slowing down means allowing your nervous system to calm down so you can handle the emotion without reacting in fight or flight mode. Relax, even in the midst of discomfort. Breathe deeply and intentionally. Use techniques like 4-7-8 breathing to feel grounded and remind yourself that it’s safe to feel. One reason we project is that our nervous system sees the feeling as a threat, but it’s not. It’s simply emotionally uncomfortable. When you allow yourself to feel, you expand your sense of self, and the ego, which prefers to stay unchanged, must adapt. Ironically, the ego originally developed to make you feel safe, but by slowing down, you can truly experience safety and address the feeling directly instead of avoiding it.

Step 2: Drop the projection, feel the sensation

The second step, after you’ve created a sense of safety, is to breathe into the feeling itself—without the story attached to it. Often, we hold onto stories that intensify our emotional responses. For example, someone cutting you off in traffic may lead to anger, and your mind might attach the narrative: “That person is such a bad driver! They made me angry!” But this is just a projection—an interpretation of the event. The truth is, the anger was already within you. By dropping the story, you start to see that the emotion (anger) is something you’re carrying regardless of external triggers.

To practice this, close your eyes and breathe slowly, allowing yourself to maintain a parasympathetic state, which keeps you calm. Then, focus on the emotion itself—feel where it manifests in your body. Is it in your stomach? Your chest? Wherever it is, allow yourself to feel it without judgment. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel this way. This step is about peeling away the surface interpretation (the projection) and going deeper into the raw emotion that was there all along. By doing this, you begin to release the emotional energy that has been trapped, rather than continuing to suppress or distort it through mental stories.

Once you feel this emotion fully, it can start to move. It’s important to understand that emotions need to be felt to be released. By staying present with them, without clinging or resisting, you allow them to flow. The key here is stepping away from the interpretations and simply letting the emotion do what it needs to do.

Step 3: Zoom Out to Your Higher Self

After fully feeling the emotion, zoom out. The stories and resistance to emotions are typically created by the ego—the smaller version of yourself. Now, tap into a higher version of yourself, the realness within you that’s connected to wholeness, truth, and unconditional acceptance. This is where you move beyond the ego’s projections and embrace a broader perspective.

By doing this, you’ll begin to understand the situation and your emotions from a higher vantage point. You’ll see that the ego’s interpretation and the projections were not the truth—they were simply a reflection of your internal fragmentation. From this expanded perspective, you’ll recognize that most of the worries, fears, and resistances were unnecessary and only served to keep you stuck.

To access this higher version of yourself, you might connect with a sense of inner wholeness, or some might relate it to concepts like a divine presence—whatever resonates with you. This is the part of you that exists beyond shame, guilt, and trauma, where you find clarity and peace.

Step 4: Get the Message from Your Higher Self

When you’re in this elevated state, ask yourself: “What does this higher version of me have to say to the ego version struggling with the projection?” The message will likely be one of reassurance: “There’s nothing to worry about,” “You are worthy,” or “You are more than these feelings.” Whatever it is, it will remind you of your true nature and your ability to accept yourself fully.

This message serves as a guide for the next steps in your life. Once the emotions have moved on, and the projection has been dropped, you’ll find that you are more aligned with your natural drive towards wholeness. This alignment allows you to take inspired action—action that is free from the blocks of old conditioning and fear.

Final Thoughts: Moving from Projection to Realness

By following this four-step process—slowing down, feeling the emotion, zooming out, and receiving the message from your higher self—you’ll start to see that many of life’s challenges are simply projections of unresolved parts of yourself. The key to realness and presence is to feel, not fear, your emotions. Don’t get attached to them—just observe them so they can pass.

Through acceptance—of yourself, of the world, and of reality—you’ll find that the barriers to living a real, present life begin to dissolve. Projection is always a denial of some part of yourself, and the only way to heal is through acceptance. If this process resonated with you and you want to dive deeper, you can book a free call with me at Olianderson.co.uk. Most people I work with see transformational results. So, if you’re ready to break free from projections and live a real life, let’s talk. ]

Stay real, stay present, and keep flowing. Peace.

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