by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
There’s a pattern that plays out in the lives of many men I’ve spoken to and it goes a bit like this:
At some point, they decide they want ‘more’ which usually means more clarity, more energy, more purpose, and more truth because they’ve had enough of drifting, numbing out, and feeling like life is happening around them instead of through them.
This is usually when they stumble across the idea of semen retention:
At first, it sounds like a cheat code because they’re told that all they need to do is to hold onto their sexual energy and suddenly they’ll become sharper, stronger, more confident, more attractive, and more alive – as though it’s all a kind of modern-day alchemy where restraint leads to power (and whatever else they may want from life).
In fairness, it can actually feel this way for a while but then something unexpected and unwanted often happens:
Instead of feeling like Superman, many men start to feel… worse – in the sense of being more restless, more irritable, more emotional, more anxious, and, sometimes even more lost than before.
This is the point where most men give up because they assume something has gone ‘wrong’ and so they fall back into old habits and conclude that semen retention “doesn’t work”.
But what if that moment when things start to feel ‘worse’ is actually the moment things start to finally become REAL again?
What if that discomfort isn’t a sign of failure but the doorway to something that can finally free you?
What if what you’re encountering is your shadow self?
This article is about the relationship between semen retention and the shadow self and how – if you can push through to the other side of this discomfort – you can finally come back into contact with your REALNESS.
Let’s dig a little deeper:
What Is Semen Retention, Really?
Before we go deeper, let’s be clear about what we’re talking about when it comes to semen retention:
Semen retention is the practice of abstaining from ejaculation for a set period of time – often 30, 40, or 90 days – or even in some cases indefinitely. Traditions like Taoism and Brahmacharya speak about cycles (such as 40 days) as a way of restoring balance and rhythm to the body.
At a surface level, it’s all about conserving and then transmuting sexual energy but, at a deeper level, it’s about something far more powerful:
Semen retention is about returning to the natural rhythm of REAL living.
On my own journey, semen retention has been one of the most powerful tools I’ve used to sort my life out, man up, and start growing in a way that’s actually real because it strips things back to the real or unreal, simplifies things by removing distractions from my life, and reveal blind spots where I’m avoiding life and refusing to take the medicine that reality always has to offer.
There are plenty of benefits often talked about like energy, focus, and confidence (and I’ve already written about the benefits in this article) but what I want to focus on here is something that’s rarely understood properly:
Semen retention forces you to come face-to-face with everything you’ve been avoiding and that includes your Shadow Self.
The UNREAL Life Many Men Are Living (Without Realising It)
This isn’t about judgement but is an observation based on my own experience and some of the lives of the men I’ve worked with.
Many men are constantly depleting their sexual energy because sex (or sexual release in general with masturbation) has been put on a pedestal as the ultimate experience in life that’s framed as the peak, ultimate reward, escape, and relief from all the horrors of the world.
Jut to be clear sex is a good thing (to state the obvious!) but it’s not it’s not the ULTIMATE thing:
The truth is that it just feels like the ultimate thing because – for many men -it’s the closest they get to a genuine release from the tension they carry inside because they’ve found themselves living in the Void.
This tension of the Void always comes from living in a state where they’re disconnected from the TRUTH about themselves and life and so have no real purpose.
In this state, sexual release becomes more than just pleasure and instead becomes a kind of temporary salvation because it offers a brief glimpse of wholeness and a moment or two where the noise quiets down and there is a feeling of RELEASE from all the tension of being unreal (living in the Void).
The problem is that because this release is temporary, it has to be chased again.
And again.
And again.
This is where the pattern becomes addictive – not because of sex itself, but because of what it does in relation to how it alters mood, distracts, numbs, and releases pressure.
What this means is that quite a lot of men out there in the world aren’t engaging in sexual activity because they’re genuinely driven by sexual desire but because it serves as an escape from the discomfort of being disconnected.
In other words, they’re using sexual activity and sexual depletion as a way to try and self-medicate the symptoms of the Void.
The Void, Shame, & the Birth of the Shadow
The thing about the Void is that it always arises from the same thing:
Shame.
Normally, this is because at some point in life – most often in childhood – a man learns that certain parts of him are not acceptable for whatever reason:
Maybe it was his anger.
His sensitivity.
His curiosity.
His sexuality.
His vulnerability.
Etc. etc. etc.
Whatever it was, he gets the message (directly or indirectly) that “This part of you is NOT okay” and so he hides it, pushes it down, and creates a version of himself that is acceptable to the world.
This new version is just the mask that we call “Ego” and it order to keep wearing it so he can feel ‘safe’ and ‘acceptable’ everything that gets pushed out of awareness becomes the Shadow Self.
The shadow isn’t just ‘bad’ or ‘dark’ or ‘evil’ nor is it all ‘good’ or ‘light’ or ‘moral’ – it’s just everything that’s REAL but has been disowned and as long it remains hidden, it continues to influence life from behind the scenes.
This is important to know because as long as a man is constantly distracting himself from reality through sexual depletion or anything else then hhe never has to face it.
If he wants to finally be FREE, though, then he needs to take a good look and integrate it so he can become WHOLE and REAL again instead of fragmented and lost to the Void.
Why Semen Retention Changes Everything
This is where semen retention becomes powerful in a way most people don’t expect when they first start learning about it and trying it out:
It all boils down to the idea that when you stop constantly releasing without really ‘needing’ to then you stop constantly escaping.
This is because when you remove one of your main coping mechanisms for the Void (which is what uncontrolled sexual release is for a lot of guys) then you interrupt the cycle of tension → release → tension → release.
When that happens, something inevitable but powerful and freeing starts to occur:
Everything you’ve been resisting and avoiding starts to rise to the surface.
At first, this can feel overwhelming and so you might feel:
- Irritated for no clear reason.
- Emotionally volatile.
- Restless and agitated.
- Confronted by thoughts and memories you’ve avoided and would rather not have to experience.
- More aware of your dissatisfaction with life.
- Etc. Etc. Etc.
This is the point where many men think something is ‘wrong’ and so they give up their semen retention journey (thinking that semen retention is causing these new problems when really it just means they’ve finally found REALITY).
The truth, though, is that something is finally going RIGHT because what’s happening is simple:
You’re becoming conscious of your shadow self and have taken a step closer to integration and REALNESS.
The Backlog of Unprocessed Life Experiences & Emotional ‘Stuff’
The discomfort that arises during semen retention isn’t because life is inherently painful and there’s nothing you can do about it (though pain and discomfort are always part of the natural process of growing and moving forward in life) but because you’ve built up an emotional backlog.
This emotional backlog is just years or – sometimes even decades – of unprocessed emotional ‘stuff’, avoided truths, and suppressed ‘parts‘ of yourself.
Before semen retention, you were managing to avoid this backlog by constantly releasing pressure as the tension of the Void built up inside you but now that you’re no longer doing that the pressure rises naturally (as it’s supposed to) – not to harm you but to be felt and processed.
This is actually a form of healing and is another example of life offering you the ‘medicine’ you’ve been avoiding.
Like any real medicine, it doesn’t always taste ‘good’ in the short-term but in the long-term it will help you to get exactly where you need to be.
The Truth Doesn’t Hurt But Resistance To It Does
In order to make the most of the semen retention journey (or anything else that allows you to remove unnecessary distractions and coping devices from your life so you can raw dog reality) a key shift needs to take place.
Many men interpret this difficult emotional backlog phase as something like “This feels ‘bad’ so something must be ‘wrong’ but the truth more like:
It’s not the truth that hurts but the resistance to letting go of illusions that causes unnecessary pain.
What this means is that the discomfort you feel when finally exposing yourself to the truth instead of distraction again comes from clinging to the identity you’ve built (the ego) despite reality beginning to show you that it’s not who you really are.
Essentially, you’re caught between two worlds:
- The familiar but false identity or self-image.
- The unfamiliar but real self in hiding.
This tension is what creates the discomfort and semen retention intensifies the process because it removes your usual escape routes.
The Two Streams: Integration and Release
As you move through this process, two things start happening simultaneously:
1. Integration
You begin to reclaim the parts of yourself you’ve been hiding and so you begin to feel emotions you’ve suppressed, acknowledge truths you’ve ignored, and allow energy that’s been stuck to start moving again.
(Emotions, after all, are “e-motion – energy in motion” and so if you LET them move they’ll deal with themselves – the problems only occur when we block the flow with distractions and unreal beliefs.)
Integration is the process of becoming whole again.
2. Release
At the same time, you start letting go of old beliefs, false identities, outdated narratives, and patterns that no longer serve you.
Essentially, you begin to see that many of the things you thought were “You” were actually just coping mechanisms and – as you see that more and more clearly – they fall away to make space for your REALNESS.
From Performance to Presence
Before going through this process of returning to realness through integrating and releasing, most men are living in performance mode.
What this means is that they’re trying to be someone they’re not, prove something they don’t need to, maintain an image, or control how they’re perceived.
All of this is just the ego at work but as you move through the discomfort of semen retention and shadow integration, something shifts and so you stop performing and (finally) you start being.
You become more present, grounded, and real and so you no longer need to chase constant release because you’re no longer carrying the same level of internal tension caused by unresolved shame (disconnection from truth).
You’re not trying to escape life because you’re in it and this is ultimately what it means to move into REALNESS.
Practical Steps to Ride Through the Process (Instead of Running from It)
Understanding this is one thing but actually living it is another so here are some practical ways to move through this process and get the most out of semen retention without falling back into old patterns.
1. Expect the Dip
Don’t go into semen retention expecting constant highs – in fact, you should actively expect that at some point things will feel ‘worse’.
When that happens, remind yourself:
“This is the work”.
It’s not a problem – it’s THE PROCESS.
2. Stop Interpreting Discomfort as Failure
Discomfort is not a sign that you’re doing something ‘wrong’ – it’s often a sign that something real is happening so learn to sit with it without immediately trying to ‘fix’ it.
3. Create Space for Feeling
If emotions are coming up, let them:
Don’t suppress them or analyse them to death – just start by feeling them in your body and letting them move (“emotions are e-motion, energy in motion”).
This is how the backlog clears and you can return to a solid foundation of acceptance instead of resistance.
4. Journal Honestly
Write down what’s coming up for you (not the polished version of events but the real one):
Your fears, your anger, your confusion, your desires – all of this helps bring the shadow self into conscious awareness so you can finally accept it and then take action from a real place.
5. Move Your Body
Energy needs movement and direction so train, walk, stretch, do yoga, lift weights, or anything else you can think of that will let the energy circulate instead of stagnating.
6. Simplify Your Life
The more noise you have in your life, the harder it is to process what’s coming up and so it’s always a good policy to reduce distractions where possible so you can create space for clarity.
7. Stay Committed (But Not Rigid)
Have a clear intention for your semen retention practice but don’t turn it into another ego performance or turn it into another ‘ultimate’ when it’s actually just another ‘good’ thing.
(The only real ultimate is your relationship with life itself).
It’s not about being ‘perfect’ or ‘superior’ to others or anything like that – it’s just about being REAL.
8. Shift Your Focus from Control to Trust
You don’t need to control every thought or feeling but you do need to trust the process.
Trust that what’s coming up is coming up for a reason and know that if if you face it, it will move because you have to feel it to heal it.
Check out my book Trust: A Manual in Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace if you’re ready to go even deeper into shadow work and finding your realness.
The Real Gift of Semen Retention
Most men start semen retention because they want to feel ‘better’ or being more ‘attractive’ or whatever but the real gift is deeper than that.
It’s not about feeling better all the time – it’s about becoming real which means that it’s about:
- Facing yourself honestly.
- Reclaiming the parts you’ve lost.
- Letting go of what isn’t true.
- Building your life on something solid.
When you go through this process properly, you’re no longer chasing temporary highs and you’re no longer dependent on constant release because you’re no longer running from yourself.
Instead, you’re living from a place of alignment, flow, wholeness, and realness.
The Final Word: Semen Retention & Shadow Work
If you’re on this journey and you’ve hit that point where things feel worse than before then don’t turn back because it’s not the end – it’s just the beginning.
You’re not breaking down, you’re breaking through, and on the other side of that process isn’t some idealised version of yourself.
It’s something far more powerful:
The TRUTH.
Stay real out there,
P.S. If you’re ready to stop distracting yourself from your real life and you want to make some lasting changes then book a free coaching session with me and I’ll help you shift gear.
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