by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
What You Focus On Grows So Make Sure You’re Focused On Something REAL
This article is about a simple idea that can transform your life dramatically if you allow it to:
It doesn’t require years of therapy, convoluted spiritual gymnastics, or pretending to be ‘positive’ about everything when you’re clearly not feeling it.
Nor does it ask you to overhaul your personality or become something that you’re not.
In fact, you don’t even need to fully believe it yet – you just need to use it.
The simple idea is this:
What you focus on grows.
That’s it – simple, obvious, and maybe even something you already think you know.
Once you truly understand it, though – and, more importantly, once you start applying it consistently – it becomes one of the most powerful tools you’ll ever have for breaking emotional blocks, dissolving limiting beliefs, and stepping into a real life that actually allows you to BE ALIVE.
The bottom line is that whether you realise it or not, this principle is already shaping your life every single day.
The only question is:
“Are you using it consciously…or is it using you?“
Let’s dig a little deeper:
What You Focus On Grows: What We’ll Cover In This Article
- What You Focus On Grows So Make Sure You’re Focused On Something REAL
- Why So Many People Feel ‘Stuck’ Without Knowing Why
- Focus Is a Choice Even When It Doesn’t Feel Like One
- The Trap of Focusing on What You Don’t Want Instead of What You DO Want
- The Trap of Focusing on What You “Can’t” Do Instead of What You CAN
- Running Away from Pain vs Moving Towards Life
- The Way Forward: Change Your Focus, Change Your Life
- Practical Exercises: What You Focus On Grows Through REAL ACTION
- The Final Word: What You Focus On Grows
Why So Many People Feel ‘Stuck’ Without Knowing Why
Most people don’t feel stuck because they’re lazy, ‘broken’, or incapable but because their focus is pointing in the wrong direction:
This is because human beings have a natural bias towards avoiding pain over running towards pleasure and so – from an evolutionary perspective – we can say that paying attention to danger has helped keep us all alive.
In the modern world – where there are far fewer threats to our existence – this survival bias has turned against us and caused us to get stuck in the mud.
For example:
Instead of focusing on what’s possible, we focus on what’s painful or fearful.
Instead of focusing on what we want, we obsess over what we don’t want.
Instead of focusing on what we can do, we rehearse all the reasons we can’t.
Because of the law that “what you focus on grows“, this creates a vicious loop that it becomes incredibly hard to extricate ourselves from.
In fact, it often just makes things even worse:
You focus on problems → your problems grow or multiply.
You focus on limitations → limitations harden and become brick walls in your life.
You focus on the past → the past keeps recreating itself and you never grow beyond old patterns and identities.
Most people don’t realise that they’re doing this because they assume their thoughts and emotions are simply happening to them rather than something they’re actively CHOOSING to feed with their time, energy, and attention.
When this happens they just end up drifting in an unreal direction that they never chose or even wanted in the first place.
Focus Is a Choice Even When It Doesn’t Feel Like One
One of the most important realisations you can have is this as you start to grow real is this:
You may not choose the thoughts that arise but you do choose which ones you dwell on.
This all boils down to the fact that you don’t and can’t choose the thoughts and emotions that pass through you but you do choose where you keep placing your attention when they arise.
Knowing that you can use the power of choice is the difference between growing real and staying stuck in unreal patterns.
When you train yourself to consciously direct your focus, something amazing happens:
- Emotional ‘stuckness’ begins to loosen.
- Limiting beliefs lose their grip.
- Old and unreal identities start to feel lighter and more manageable.
This isn’t because you resisted or fought anything in yourself but because you started accepting yourself:
Realness isn’t about denying pain or bypassing difficulty but about refusing to let unreal narratives dominate your inner world simply because they’re ‘familiar‘.
The Trap of Focusing on What You Don’t Want Instead of What You DO Want
Abraham Maslow once said that “knowing what one really wants is a rare psychological achievement“.
This line alone explains a huge amount of unnecessary human suffering because most people have never seriously asked themselves what they actually want from life.
What’s interesting, though, is that most people can very easily tell you what they DON’T want:
“I don’t want this crappy job”.
“I don’t want this empty relationship”.
“I don’t want to feel anxious all the time”.
“I don’t want to be like this anymore”.
On the surface, this seems reasonable because pain literally demands attention but here’s the problem:
If your focus stops there, your life stops there too.
When you constantly focus on what you DON’T want without replacing it with a clear vision of what you DO want then your attention remains anchored to the very thing you’re trying to escape.
Because of the law of what you focus on grows this just means that you end up with more frustration, more resentment, and more of the same patterns repeating over and over again.
Your pain becomes familiar, familiar becomes ‘normal’, and ‘normal’ becomes your identity.
(Which is ‘bad’ news because – in general – we all live according to the limits set by our identity).
The Trap of Focusing on What You “Can’t” Do Instead of What You CAN
Of course, some people do have a sense of what they want – at least vaguely:
They’d like more freedom.
More meaning.
More connection.
More creative expression.
That is until something kicks in – maybe a quiet voice that niggles away at them, a heavy feeling that weighs them down and stops them acting, or a subtle tension in the body that says “NO”.
That “something” is shame.
Shame that says:
“You can’t do that”.
“People like you don’t get that”.
“That’s unrealistic”.
“Who do you think you are?”
Combine this unreal voice with a lifetime of social conditioning like rules about ‘success‘, money, relationships, and what’s ‘acceptable’ or not and many people take these (mis)perceived limits as truth rather than just untested assumptions they’ve picked up somewhere along the line.
Another layer that causes problems is self-image and how we see ourselves as being a certain ‘Kind of’ person:
This is because people unconsciously live to validate who they think they are – not because the ideas they have are true but because they’re familiar and because anything that challenges that identity feels threatening (because it means facing the Shadow Self).
All of this boils down to the phenomenon where instead of asking “What’s possible?” we tend to ask ourselves “What fits with who I’ve already decided I am?”.
The answer to that last question just keeps our FOCUS on what we already have in life despite not really feeling alive because we’re stuck in the Void.
Running Away from Pain vs Moving Towards Life
Most people are motivated more by avoiding pain more than they’re called to move towards realness and deeper fulfilment.
They don’t build a real life because they’re too busy trying to escape discomfort.
This is tragic because attempting to escape pain without a real vision of what to replace it with doesn’t lead to freedom but to new versions of the same problem: disconnection from oneself and life.
Real growth happens when your focus shifts because of the CHOICES you make:
- From avoidance → to creation.
- From fear → to curiosity.
- From “How do I stop this?” → to “What am I building?”
This is where realness begins to take over and you can start to build flow.
The Way Forward: Change Your Focus, Change Your Life
Here’s the ‘good’ news.
You don’t need to solve the problem of your entire life at once – you just need to change what you’re feeding.
This is why when you create a real vision for yourself (even an imperfect one) and break it down into goals and habits, you’ll finally give your focus somewhere constructive to go:
Instead of focusing on problems, you focus on solutions.
Instead of focusing on what you can’t do, you focus on the next thing you can do.
Instead of focusing on the past, you use the present as a seed for the future.
This isn’t about blind optimism or anything unreal like that – it’s about direction because when you focus you bring a kind of directional energy to your life and where this energy goes affects the results you get from life.
Or, as we keep saying:
What you focus on grows.
My book Trust: A Manual in Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace will help you go deeper into focusing on your real life and growing a solid foundation for yourself.
Practical Exercises: What You Focus On Grows Through REAL ACTION
Here are some basic exercises you can try to test this out and start using your focus as a tool for growth:
1. The Focus Audit
For one day, notice what you’re repeatedly thinking about.
Ask yourself:
- What action can I actually take here?
- What is this giving me that I actually want more of?
- How is this helping me grow real?
Don’t judge yourself but if you notice that these patterns are taking you places you don’t want to be going then it’s time to change your focus.
2. Flip the Frame
Whenever you catch a “don’t want” thought pop up in yourself, then make a conscious effort to shift focus to what you DO want:
“If I didn’t want [x] then what DO I want instead?”
Be specific and try to create a vision or picture for yourself.
Vague focus creates vague results.
3. The “Can Do” List
Each morning, write down three things you can do today that move your life forward – however small they might be.
Action dissolves shame faster than analysis ever will so don’t allow yourself to identify with what you “can’t” do.
4. One Step Forward Rule
Stop asking “Can I do the whole thing?” (because you never can) and instead ask yourself “What’s the next real step I can take?”
Once you know what the obvious next step is, then take it – you’ll start to build momentum from movement, not certainty.
5. Daily Focus Anchor
Choose one thing like a habit, a value, or a vision and consciously return your focus to it throughout the day.
This trains your nervous system to orient towards creation instead of reaction so that your focus can actually grow something REAL.
The Final Word: What You Focus On Grows
Your life is always moving in some direction but your focus is what determines if this will end up being REAL or UNREAL.
The bottom line is that if you don’t choose the direction, your conditioning will and you’ll just end up with more of whatever that conditioning limits you to.
When you understand that what you focus on grows, you stop wasting energy fighting yourself and start directing it towards something real and that’s when life begins to open up.
Not because everything becomes ‘easy but because you stop standing in your own way.
Stay real out there,
P.S. If you’re ready to shift your focus onto something real then book a free coaching session with me and I’ll help you start growing into your real life.
Trust: A Manual for Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace is a book about learning to return to your realness by cultivating trust in yourself and trust in life.
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