Oli Anderson

Hi, I'm Oli Anderson - a Transformational Coach for REALNESS and author who helps people to tap into their REALNESS by increasing Awareness of their real values and intentions, to Accept themselves and reality, and to take inspired ACTION that will change their lives forever and help them find purpose. Click here to read my story about how I died, lost it all, and then found reality.

Tired All the Time? Here’s Why You’re Running on Fumes (and What to Do About It)

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Tired all the time

The Real Reason You’re Exhausted & Tired All The Time

Let’s not sugar-coat it:

If you don’t have any chronic health issues but you’re constantly drained, uninspired, or struggling to get through the day, then something’s ‘off’…and it’s not just because you need another espresso or a vitamin shot.

If you’re tired all the time it’s because you’re not living in a way that’s real.

Your body, mind, and soul are trying to let you know that you’re out-of-sync with yourself because your energy isn’t just a physical resource – it’s a reflection of your how aligned you are with the truth.

This means that when you’re living in an unreal way that’s fake, forced, or fragmented, then your energy starts to leak.

This article breaks it down through a biopsychosociospiritual lens (yeah, I know that’s a mouthful, but it works):

We’ll look at why you’re running on fumes and how to fix it by getting real in every domain of your life.

Let’s dig a little deeper:

You're tired all the time because you're thinking is stopping you from living your real life.

Biological: Fix the Foundation

Let’s start with the obvious: your body.

Your body is your interface with reality and so if you’re not looking after it, you’re not giving yourself a fair shot at anything else.

This means that – whether you like it or not – if you want to have a real relationship with your body then you need to start implementing some foundational health habits into your life.

The obvious ones are the ‘basic’ ones that you already know but might not be doing anything about:

  • Sleep: Chronic sleep deprivation lowers testosterone, reduces dopamine sensitivity, impairs memory and slows your metabolism – not exactly the traits of a powerful, present man.
  • Nutrition: Processed foods and constant sugar spikes mess with your blood sugar and gut health and – since 90% of your serotonin is made in the gut – this means that your mood and energy take a hit.
  • Movement: Regular exercise increases mitochondrial function (and we all remember from biology class that mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell), boosts your mood, and regulates your nervous system.

    It literally makes you more energetic and resilient as you go through life (which means you’re better equipped to handle stress and seeing as “life is one darned thing after another” that’s a very good thing).

Bottom line? You can’t transcend biology and so you need solid health habits if you want to be an energetic player in the game of life.

If your body is overloaded with caffeine, toxins, processed food, zero sunlight, and poor sleep, you’re basically putting a sports car on cheap fuel and wondering why it keeps breaking down.

Psychological: Stop Fighting Reality

Here’s where it gets juicy:

Most of us waste tons of energy trying to maintain beliefs that simply aren’t real.

Think about it:

When you believe something false like “I’m not good enough“, “I have to prove myself to be loved“, or “The world is against me“, then your nervous system goes into constant fight-or-flight ‘alert’ mode which means that you’re always on edge and braced against the truth.

This puts you in a constant battle with reality that is exhausting.

This is what happens when your ego and your shadow self get into what I call the Shadow Dance:

  • The ego creates an image of how you should be.
  • The shadow holds everything you’ve repressed to maintain that image.

The more fake your persona (i.e. the more you’re hiding from yourself in the shadows), the more energy it takes to keep the illusions alive.

That’s where the fatigue comes from:

You’re not tired because of your workload; you’re tired because of your identity load.

When you start telling the truth (even just to yourself), energy is freed up and you get a release from the unnecessary friction, frustration, and misery that identification with the ego brings.

You’re no longer at war with yourself and what is.

Social: Gimme Something Real or GTFO

Energy is contagious and so if you spend your life surrounded by people who:

  • Complain about everything
  • Gossip
  • Live for validation
  • Expect you to perform a role

…then you’re in the wrong tribe.

Your nervous system subconsciously mirrors those around you:

This is called limbic resonance and it means you literally pick up the emotional frequencies of those close to you.

Hang around the real ones – people who are grounded, purpose-driven, honest, and energising – and watch what happens.

You don’t have to go full monk and ghost everyone but if someone constantly drains you or demands you fake it just to be accepted? That’s not brotherhood. That’s bondage.

Choose connection that gives you energy, not only takes it (a real relationship involves giving and taking, not just one or the other).

A sacred mantra to remember here is: “Gimme something real or GFTO” – if you know you’re never going to get anything real from the people around you, then you know that what you are going to get is your energy being drained.

Choose to walk away and to replace the unreal with the real – that’s guaranteed to energise you as there’ll be less fakery and drama.

Spiritual: You Need a Higher Why

Spirituality in this context isn’t about religion – it’s about alignment with something bigger than your ego.

If you’re living only for your own survival, comfort, or image, then you’re destined to eventually burn out and for life to start feeling flat and empty.

On the other hand, real energy comes from purpose, meaning, contribution, love, service, and truth.

Call it God, mission, purpose, soul or whatever else works for you – just accept that it’s real and without i, you’ll always be tired and looking for ‘more’ (because you’ll be stuck in the Void).

If your life is disconnected from this kind of higher dimension, you’ll run out of fuel, because the ego doesn’t run on anything sustainable (as it’s completely unreal) – it needs constant top-ups of approval, distraction, and dopamine just to keep the illusion going.

Of course, you don’t need to become a saint but you do need to ask yourself:

“What am I living for that’s bigger than my fears, my image, or my comfort zone?”

The answer is your recharge station and the way to start getting high on life instead of drained by it.

Trust: A Manual in Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace

My book ‘Trust: A Manual in Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace‘ will help you to live in a real way that energises you instead of an unreal way that drains you.

When You Fix Your Inputs, Energy Returns & You Stop Being Tired All the Time

Here’s the ‘good’ news:

When you address your inputs at each level – biological, psychological, social, and spiritual – your energy has to return because you stop leaking energy and start generating it.

This isn’t just some nice sounding woo-woo that I pulled out of my belly button (when I was gazing into it) – there’s real science behind it:

  • Sleep and mitochondria: Quality sleep improves mitochondrial function and ATP production (adenosine triphosphate) which helps your cells function properly.
  • Social connection: Real human connection increases oxytocin, dopamine, and vagal tone (which regulates your nervous system by calming the vagus nerve) – all of which are linked to resilience and vitality.
  • Spiritual practices: Studies show that meaning and purpose correlate with longer lifespan, lower inflammation, and a better mood overall.
  • Mental reprogramming: Letting go of limiting beliefs reduces cortisol, increases heart rate variability, and frees up cognitive bandwidth.

In short: truth heals and realness restores.

Practical Tips: How to Get Your Energy Back

Here are a few grounded steps to reclaim your energy starting right now:

1. Audit your energy leaks

Write down everything that drains you (people, habits, thoughts, tasks) – identify what’s real vs what you’re doing to maintain ego (or for any other unreal reason) and then start taking action to make sure you start plugging the leaks.

2. Fix your biological inputs

  • Go to bed at the same time every night.
  • Cut processed food for at least a week and eat whole foods instead.
  • Move daily – even a 30-minute walk makes a difference.

3. Start telling the truth

Pick one belief or behaviour that isn’t real for you anymore and let it go.

I’ve said it many times but all you need to do is: 1) Uncover the truth, 2) Live the truth (repeat)

4. Curate your connections

Spend more time with people who energise you instead of sucking you into a blackhole of drama, fakery, or just general bullshit. Create space from energy vampires.

5. Connect with purpose

Ask yourself what really matters to you and start to create a real vision for yourself. Take one small step towards living it out today.

If you're tired all the time then starting choosing real over unreal thoughts.

Final Word: Energy is Truth in Motion

When you’re living in a way that’s unreal, you’ll always be tired but when you’re living in a way that’s real, your energy becomes a force of nature.

This isn’t about grinding harder, hustling longer, or hacking your way through burnout – it’s about remembering who you really are and aligning your life with it.

So if you’re tired all the time, stop asking, “What supplement or new life hack do I need?” and start asking “What truth have I been avoiding?“

Because real always works.

Stay real out there,

Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

P.S. If you’re ready to grow real and energise yourself and you’re interested in coaching then book a free coaching session with me and I’ll help you find your real path again.

Goofiness: The Sacred Lifeblood of Real Relationships

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Goofiness in relationships

If You Can’t Be Goofy With Each Other, You Can’t Be Real

Let’s be honest: most relationships don’t last.

That’s not cynicism – it’s the reality of life because most people (in the modern world, at least) have more than one relationship over the course of their lifetimes (which, by definition, means that most relationships don’t last).

Despite the bare-faced obviousness of this reality it doesn’t stop us treating it like a mystery each time a relationship comes to an end:

“What went wrong?”, we ask ourselves, “We were so compatible!”

But maybe ‘compatibility’ isn’t the full picture – maybe what we’re overlooking is something far simpler, lighter and – dare I say it – goofier?

Looking back at my own life and the lives of the people I know who are in lasting relationships, there’s one quality that consistently shows up in the healthiest, most fulfilling, most real relationships and it’s this:

Goofiness.

I don’t mean forced banter, ironic memes, or sarcastic in-jokes masking deeper resentment but genuine, unfiltered and spontaneous goofiness.

This article will show you that goofiness isn’t just an optional extra but that it’s the lifeblood of real relationships.

I’ll also share how you can reignite your own goofiness – whether you’re coupled up or flying solo – so that all your relationships can thrive (romantic or otherwise).

Let’s dig a little deeper:

Goofiness is about playing with life instead of being dominated by life.

The Average ‘Failed’ Relationship: From Playfulness to Pressure

Let’s rewind to the beginning of most relationships that we often call the “honeymoon phase”:

During this limerent phase of the relationship, everything feels lighter; you laugh more; the world seems sharper, and brighter.

Suddenly, you’re skipping through life with someone who just gets your weirdness and so you invent silly new words, dance in the kitchen, make ridiculous faces, and share obscure inside jokes that no one else could possibly understand (oh, and the sex is usually great too).

All of this is goofiness at its finest:

It’s the unspoken permission to be, to just relax into your own skin, and to be seen in the glory of your full human ridiculousness and loved anyway.

But then… something happens:

Slowly, unnecessary seriousness starts to creep in and so you start thinking about mortgages, marriage, five-year plans, and what they really meant by that comment about your washing up methodology.

You start focusing on what they’re doing wrong or what you’re not getting and the goofiness dies a quiet death, replaced by the suffocating weight of expectation.

At that point, even if you’re still technically compatible on paper – shared interests, mutual attraction, similar worldviews – it’s like all of the colour has drained out of the relationship and you’re back in the pale and empty world that you inhabited before your partner came along (except now you’re stuck with somebody being all serious about things which just makes everything worse).

You’ve stopped playing; you’ve stopped laughing; you’ve forgotten how to be ridiculous together.

And that, in my experience, is when relationships start to crack.

Goofiness Isn’t Immaturity – It’s Realness

Let’s get one thing straight:

Goofiness isn’t childishness and it’s not immaturity. Nor is it flakiness, irresponsibility, or “not taking things seriously enough” – in fact, it’s quite the opposite.

Goofiness is a sign of safety and something that you can only really ‘do’ when you’re feeling regulated:

It only shows up when your nervous system feels at ease and it can only bubble to the surface when you’re not trying to perform, impress, or control outcomes.

In other words, it’s what happens when the ego takes a step back and the real you steps forward -warts and all.

Goofiness is truth.

It’s levity.

And in relationships, it’s the antidote to ego-driven dynamics that suffocate love because when two people can be goofy together – really goofy – they’re not just compatible. They’re REAL.

Shadow Life: Freedom from BS in an Unreal World

If you’re struggling to be goofy or real then you definitely have some shadow work to do – check out my book ‘Shadow Life: Freedom From BS in an Unreal World‘ to get started.

Why We Lose the Goof

So if goofiness is so good why do we lose it in the first place?

One reason is that the initial ‘goofy’ energy in our relationships often isn’t real: it’s just infatuation wearing a silly hat.

This is because early ‘goofiness’ is often just an excited projection from our inner child going, “Maybe this is finally the person that will meet all my unmet needs!”

That’s not true playfulness but hope and hormones with a dash of delusion.

The other reason real goofiness can start to fade away is that as expectations pile up and so our egos tighten their grip over us:

We start performing again and trying to be the Perfect Partner or resenting that the other person isn’t; we stop being present and so the inner child goes back into hiding – taking its goofiness with it.

When we get serious it’s because seriousness serves as a shield – in other words, it feels safer to be guarded than exposed.

But here’s the paradox: goofiness is safety because when you can laugh at yourself, there’s nothing left to hide.

Compatibility Is Overrated (Without Goofiness)

Look, compatibility is great and so you need shared values, some level of sexual chemistry and a general desire for similar things out of life.

But compatibility without goofiness is dry toast – i.e. it’s technically fine, but boring.

You might survive on it but you definitely won’t thrive.

You can’t build a healthy, real relationship with someone who won’t laugh with you and you definitely can’t build one with someone who takes themselves too seriously to laugh at themselves. No amount of shared Spotify playlists or aligned Myers-Briggs types will compensate for a total lack of play.

In short, goofiness is what breathes life into all that compatibility – it’s what turns ‘working’ into living.

How to Be More Goofy (Even If You’re Not ‘That’ Type)

Maybe you’re reading this and thinking, “Yeah, but I’m just not a goofy person”.

Yes, you are.

You were born goofy.

You just learned to bury it under shame, self-consciousness, and the pressure to ‘be’ a certain way:

Maybe someone told you early on that playfulness was silly or inappropriate or “not masculine” or “not ladylike” – maybe life just wore you down.

Whatever it was, something happened that sent your goofiness deep down into the shadows of yourself.

But the goofiness is still there – you’ve just got to dig it out.

Here’s how:

A 3-Step Goofiness Framework: Awareness, Acceptance, Action

Awareness, Acceptance, and Action is the exact framework I use with my coaching clients and it works for any kind of personal transformation – not just goofiness.

But it fits perfectly here too.

1. Awareness (Deconstruct Ego)

Get curious about your seriousness:

What parts of your ego are making you feel like you have to be rigid all the time?

Who told you goofiness wasn’t allowed in the first place?

Is your serious identity helping you or hiding you?

Start to notice where you censor yourself:

When do you stop yourself from making a joke, being playful, or expressing joy?

That’s your ego flaring up to protect an old wound from being opened or caused again.

2. Acceptance (Integrate the Shadow Self)

You’re human which means that you’ve probably suppressed your goofiness because of shame or fear of rejection.

That’s okay.

Accept that it’s been hidden but also know it never left – your inner goofball is waiting patiently for you in the Shadow Territory.

Acceptance also means recognising that everyone else is winging it too and that no one knows what they’re doing (which is why they’re usually pretending to be so serious about everything).

That realisation alone can unlock a flood of lightness and freedom.

3. Action (Trust Yourself and Life to Do What Needs Doing)

Start small by cracking a silly joke or something.

Send a weird meme. Wear socks with sandals. Make ridiculous faces in the mirror. Whatever feels right.

The point isn’t to force ‘funny’ – it’s to get back in touch with spontaneity – your realness – without fear of how it’s perceived causing you to hold back and hesitate on your real life.

Play is sacred and you reclaim it by practising it.

Goofiness + Vision = Relationship Gold

Along with goofiness, there’s alos a second secret ingredient for long-lasting relationships and it’s this:

Vision.

When a couple shares a vision for where they’re going – personally and together – everything changes because you’re no longer just reacting to life and instead you’re creating something.

This allows you to grow whilst moving in a direction that feels meaningful.

The caveat, of course, is that any vision becomes unbearable if the journey is joyless and so if you take it too seriously, you’ll kill it before you get there.

This is why we can say that the magic formula is this:

Goofiness + Vision = Growth.

You laugh together while you walk the path as you build something without losing yourselves in the building.

You aim for the future, but you play in the now.

That’s how you grow real real together and stay together.

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Practical Tips: How to Inject More Goofiness into Your Relationships

Here are some simple ways to bring your goofiness back from the shadows:

1. Create a shared “language”

Invent silly nicknames. Make up words. Quote random films no one else cares about but that you both love.

Secret language builds private worlds.

2. Surprise each other with silliness

Leave daft notes in the fridge.

Wear a silly hat to dinner.

Send voice notes using weird accents.

Play is in the little things, not in grand sweeping gestures (it’s about enjoying that journey towards the vision from moment to moment).

3. Play dumb games together

Try improv games, daft card decks, or just ask each other “Would you rather?” questions. The goal is to loosen up and show each other the real versions of yourself.

4. Laugh at life together

Talk about your worst dates, your awkward moments, your weird dreams. Life’s absurd so let it be and just laugh at it.

5. Have a shared vision

Talk about where you’re going and what you’re building. Make it meaningful but don’t make it heavy. Keep the joy alive in the direction you’re headed.

Final Thoughts on Goofiness

Real relationships are rooted in truth and the truth is that life is ridiculous, rarely makes sense, but that this is okay.

When we embrace the truth and allow ourselves to laugh at the absurdity of it all, we unlock something powerful: freedom, connection, and realness.

So if your relationships feel stale, heavy, or lifeless don’t rush to fix the surface-level stuff that the world cares about.

There’s only one question that really matters:

Have we lost the goofiness?

If so, bring it back – not by performing or pretending, but by relaxing into who you already are underneath all the seriousness.

Stay real out there,

Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

P.S. If this article resonated with you and you’re interested in coaching, then book a free coaching session with me today and I’ll help you to start improving your life and growing real.

The Gratitude Paradox: Why Acceptance Can Feel Like a Threat (and How to Solve It)

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the gratitude paradox

Gratitude is a Blessing for Your Realness and a Curse to the Ego

We’re often told that gratitude is supposed to be the secret sauce of the ‘good’ life with countless self-help books, spiritual teachers, and lifestyle influencers telling us that gratitude is the missing link between where we are and where we want to be.

It’s often marketed (literally) like some kind of cosmic frequency booster or a ‘manifestation hack’ to raise your vibe so that the Universe will deliver your dreams to your doorstep with next-day delivery and no signature required.

People see things like this and instantly start flocking to their gratitude journals, scribbling three things down mechanically every morning (like their dogs, the coffee they’re drinking, and the clouds in the sky or whatever) and then mediating on feelings of thankfulness for these things.

They do the ‘work’, hoping it will fast-track them to love, wealth, purpose, or whatever’s on their vision board (without doing any of the actual work, ideally, of course).

But then something strange happens:

They start to feel good – and not just a surface-level good.

There’s a strange sense of completion that begins to creep in – a sense that maybe everything is already okay; that maybe they already have what they need and so their reasons for starting to cultivate gratitude in the first place (to get all the things they thought they wanted from life) don’t matter anymore.

Bam! – just like that the panic sets in:

“Hang on… if I’m already grateful does that mean I’m going to lose my ambition? Am I supposed to stop chasing goals now? What if I become passive? What if I stop growing? What if I lose myself?!”

Welcome to the Gratitude Paradox.

Let’s dig a little deeper:

Gratitude is about focusing on what is, not what isn't (including your ability to focus on your potential and what you're waiting to express that's real).

The Gratitude Paradox Explained

The paradox of gratitude usually goes like this:

  • People often start practising gratitude as a way to get what they want instead of just to be grateful for how amazing life actually is (i.e. they want a “higher frequency”, to be better at manifestation, or to find a magic bullet that will give them a shortcut to their dream life).
  • What they don’t initially realise is that true gratitude is an act of acceptance of their own realness and truth which fundamentally transforms their relationship with they way that they want things.
  • This means that when acceptance starts to take hold and ground them into something true, it can feel like old drives or ego identities are being threatened because, in a way, they are (because the ego is the opposite of reality).
  • This leads to confusion, internal conflict, and sometimes even self-sabotage: Basically: “Gratitude is making me too content… maybe I should stop?” (This is because gratitude has shown them the gap between the familiar identity of the ego and reality – not because it doesn’t work).

It’s a bit like trying to swim across a river to reach a treasure chest, only to discover that the chest is actually inside you, and then wondering whether you should still keep swimming for fun or just… kinda float.

Why Gratitude Feels Like a Threat (At First)

At the heart of this paradox is identity conflict (which is responsible for most of the problems in our lives, tbh):

The old self – the ego – thrives on lack and so it constantly needs something to chase, something to fix, or something to prove. It essentially builds itself on the illusion that “I’ll be enough when…” and then spends a lifetime chasing the dots it hopes to connect (which just makes us outcome-dependent – i.e. it causes us to outsource our levels of self-acceptance and self-worth to external things).

When we practise real gratitude – not just surface-level thankfulness, but the kind that truly grounds us in the present – we start to dismantle that identity because we get in touch with something REAL (and, again, the ego is the opposite of reality).

This is for one very simple reason:

Gratitude doesn’t just make you feel better – it makes you see more clearly.

This creates the kind of gratitude paradox we’re talking about because when you start to see more clearly, you begin to realise how much of your life was being steered by fear, shame, and ego-chasing:

You begin to question your goals; you begin to let go of things you thought you needed; you stop running so hard to avoid the Void and start seeing that what you were running from was really just your own disconnection from reality.

In short, your ego feels threatened because gratitude calls its bluff.

The Role of Acceptance in Real Transformation

Gratitude is powerful because it is a portal to acceptance and acceptance is powerful because it’s the foundation of realness.

When you accept what is – what’s truly present in your life – you stop pushing against reality, you stop resisting your own experience, and you begin to build from truth instead of fantasy.

This doesn’t mean you become passive or stagnant – quite the opposite, in fact:

It means your action becomes clean and your goals become real.

It means that you start to move from a place of clarity, not compensation – from fullness, not fear.

You make a switch from playing to prove something unreal to playing because you know you’re something REAL.

Trust: A Manual in Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace

My book ‘Trust: A Manual for Becoming The Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace‘ has a chapter on gratitude and will help you to understand everything discussed in this article to an even deeper degree.

Gratitude Isn’t About Settling But About Aligning

A lot of the confusion comes from this idea that gratitude means you have to settle for whatever you’ve got – that if you’re thankful for your life as it is then you won’t be hungry for more.

But that’s just another trick of the ego because real gratitude doesn’t kill desire – it clarifies it by burning away the unreal desires – rooted in shame, guilt, or even trauma – so that’s what’s left are the real desires (INTENTIONS) that want to be expressed instead of chased.

This is something I’ve seen time and again in coaching:

People start their journey thinking they want X, Y, or Z because that’s what their ego believes will fill the gap but – once they drop into deeper layers of truth and acceptance – their goals evolve.

They shift and become less about proving and more about living – less concerned with things like status and instead more focused on something real like service.

It becomes less about escaping the Void and more about expressing the realness that was buried within it.

All of this is to say that gratitude doesn’t take your ambition away – it refines it.

Realness Over Reward: A Shift in Orientation

At the core of the Gratitude Paradox is a shift from outcome-dependence to focussing on the truth:

When you live from the ego, your entire life is about external rewards – validation, approval, power, possessions, security, etc. – and so you’re constantly chasing the highs to avoid the lows by playing the game of conditional happiness which says: “If I get this, then I’ll finally be okay“.

But when you start living from real gratitude, you begin to orient around something deeper and realise that in reality there are NO CONDITIONS to accepting yourself and life:

Instead of chasing things to fill you, you realise you’re already full, and find goals that are an expression of this fullness.

So How Do You Solve the Gratitude Paradox?

The ‘good’ news is that you don’t have to choose between gratitude and growth because – when done right – gratitude is growth (which is why people think it raises your vibe etc.).

The key is to use gratitude as a foundation for alignment – not as a tactic for attraction (or manifesting or whatever):

When you do that, your goals stop being a way to escape the present and become a way to express the truth you’ve found within it.

Here’s a practical way to work with the Gratitude Paradox using three stages: Awareness (Deconstruct the Ego), Acceptance (Integrate the Shadow), and Action (Trust Yourself and Life) – the same process I use with clients in my coaching practice (or that you can read about in my books like Trust and Shadow Life):

1. Awareness: Separate Ego Goals from Real Goals

Start by observing your current goals and desires and the kind of things you think you want from life.

Ask yourself some simple probing questions:

  • Why do I want this?
  • Is this desire coming from fear or fullness?
  • Who am I trying to impress or prove something to?
  • Would I still want this if nobody else knew about it?

This isn’t about judging yourself but about clarifying your intentions.

If a goal is rooted in shame or scarcity, gratitude will feel like a threat because it’s trying to remove the original source of the goal (ego) but if it’s rooted in realness then gratitude will only amplify it (because what’s real is always real so you can’t get rid of of it even if you want to).

2. Acceptance: Use Gratitude to Ground into the Truth

Set aside time each day for real gratitude – not just lists and journals but a deep sense of presence with whatever is true in your life.

Try this:

  • Sit quietly for five minutes and reflect on what is real and valuable in your life right now.
  • Let yourself feel the gratitude – not just think it.
  • If you notice resistance (e.g., “But I still want more”), observe it without judgement. This is your ego making noise in an attempt to keep your shadow self at bay (because there is a constant battle between the two called the Shadow Dance).
  • Let whatever needs to emerge from behind the ego and in the shadows do its thing.

In short: the more you practise gratitude as a form of acceptance, the more clearly you’ll see what’s actually worth pursuing and what isn’t.

3. Action: Let Real Gratitude Fuel Real Goals

Now you’re ready to move:

Take your clarified goals and ask: “How can I move towards this from a place of wholeness (realness) instead of fragmentation (ego)?”

Then take one small action – not to ‘get’ anything but to express something real.

When your actions become expressions instead of escape plans, you stop being outcome-dependent and you become process-driven, purpose-led, and paradox-free (i.e. staying grateful and still taking action).

Gratitude is about getting aligned so you can take real action.

Final Thoughts: Gratitude as a Way of Being

Solving the Gratitude Paradox doesn’t mean you have to throw your dreams away – it means you have to realign them with what’s actually true and REAL.

It means allowing gratitude to reveal your goals, not replace them.

Gratitude isn’t just a mental exercise – it’s a way of seeing and being in life; a way of relating to life and remembering who you really are beneath all the noise.

It might scare your ego a bit but that’s only because gratitude doesn’t play by its rules and will always bring you back to reality.

And reality, once accepted, always works.

Stay real out there,

Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

P.S. If you’re ready to start taking real action in your life and you’re interested in coaching, then book a free coaching session with me today and we’ll find a way to get you moving.

Realness & Mental Health: Why Facing Reality is the Ultimate Cure

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Realness & mental health

If You’re Struggling With Your Mental Health Then The Best Medicine is Always Reality

If there’s one thing I’ve learned after spending years in the mental health space – including thousands of hours talking to people on suicide hotlines, working in drop-in centres, helping trauma survivors make sense of their voices through the Maastricht Interview, and facilitating hearing voices groups – it’s this:

The best thing you can do for your mental health in the long run is to keep facing reality.

It might not be the most comforting answer in the short-term and it might not fit neatly on a prescription pad or mental health awareness campaign poster but it’s the truth.

It’s also the foundation of what I call Realness – a philosophy built on the simple but radical idea that wholeness, healing, and human thriving happen when we stop running from reality and start integrating with it.

Let’s dig a little deeper:

Mental health is improved by letting go of the versions of 'you' that no longer exist in reality.

Why Most People are Suffering: They’re Not Broken, They’re Disconnected

Let me be clear: most people experiencing mental distress aren’t ‘broken’ (even though it might feel like that temporarily if you’re going through a mental health crisis) – they’re disconnected:

Disconnected from their bodies, their emotions, the truth, and the deeper purpose that gives their life meaning.

Often, what’s called a “mental illness” is a just a totally natural response to an unnatural or messed up situation like trauma, social isolation, suppression of emotions, or the unreal expectations of our egos and our culture.

That’s not to dismiss the pain or to deny the existence of severe mental illness (some of which may have biological or extreme trauma-based causes) but – in my experience – even the most intense suffering can begin to shift when a person reconnects to what’s real.

The Limits of the Mental Health System

One of the most heart-breaking things I saw over-and-over in mental health services was how people got trapped by their own diagnosis and whatever ‘label’ they’d been ascribed became part of their identity that stopped them from growing (which is what all of us need to be doing over the duration of our lifetimes if we want to feel ‘good’ and even ‘happy’).

The simple truth is that the standard system isn’t designed to see the whole person:

Instead, it slices people up through the biopsychosocial lens (which sounds pretty impressive and comprehensive but usually becomes fragmented in practice):

  • The bio (biological) gets all the focus from GPs and psychiatrists who dish out medication like it’s a cure-all.
  • The psycho (psychological) gets a look-in through talk therapies but often without addressing the body or the social context.
  • The social gets lip service from activists about how the cultural system is affecting mental health but rarely leads to inner change (often because activists are using their cause for their own ego ‘stuff’).

Rarely do we see a truly holistic approach which is why I like to add the ‘spiritual‘ to the mix – Biopsychosocialspiritual, if you will.

That’s Realness. Seeing the whole person, in all their dimensions, as someone who can grow through what they go through and who is dealing with reality as it actually is (not as how we just feel or think about it).

The Problem with Medication (and Why It’s Not a Long-Term Solution for Most)

I know this is controversial but it needs to be said:

For many common mental health issues, medication is a short-term fix, not a long-term strategy.

The bitter pill to swallow is that more often than not (in my opinion), professionals hand it out not because they know what to do, but because they don’t know what to do with a patient.

It’s easier to numb the symptoms than deal with the fundamental problem (which is always a disconnect from the truth and a severe experience of the Void).

That doesn’t mean medication has no place because it can definitely be life-saving in a crisis or for those with severe biochemical imbalances.

But when it becomes a way of life instead of a bridge to something deeper, it can delay true healing and deeper healing comes from reuniting with your real self and your real life.

Trust: A Manual in Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace

My book ‘Trust: A Manual in Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace‘ will show you the way to trusting yourself and life for the ultimate mental health boost.

Anxiety: The Clash Between Ego and Reality

Let’s talk about anxiety and depression (two of the most common mental health issues in modern society).

We’ll start with anxiety:

Anxiety often arises when we’re clinging to an identity (ego) that doesn’t fit the life we’re actually in.

Maybe we’ve been living a lie, pretending to be something we’re not (often unconsciously), or stuck in the Shadow Dance – a conflict between the ego we present to the world and the part of us we’re hiding (the shadow self).

When we live in an unreal way like this, reality always pushes back and we get feedback from life that says, “Erm, this isn’t it“. This kind of dissonance always creates anxiety.

Then there’s the cultural angle:

We live in an increasingly unreal world where digital environments hijack our dopamine systems, confuse our values, and disconnect us from the present moment.

It’s no wonder our nervous systems are on edge and anxiety is on the rise.

The solution?

  • Spend more time in nature.
  • Regulate your nervous system.
  • Reconnect to who you really are.

You don’t need more screen time or another mindfulness app – you need to feel alive in your own skin by adapting your lifestyle so you start shifting from unreal to real.

Depression: Disconnection from Purpose and Mourning

Depression often isn’t a chemical imbalance – it’s a totally normal response to life seeming to be meaningless because we have a purpose imbalance.

This essentially means that many people become depressed purely because they’re drifting and they’ve lost their sense of meaning. But meaning isn’t something you just stumble across – it’s the by-product of living a purpose-driven life.

(Which is why I almost always help my coaching clients to figure out their purpose and start taking real action to take steps towards making it a reality).

Of course, there is also a social element with depression because any people fall into it because something bad has happened, and they weren’t given the time they needed to grieve whatever was lost (including old identities).

Our society still tends to push emotional suppression and so pain gets buried and festers. That’s basically what depression is in cases like these.

When you’re not growing, you’re dying inside. Realness is about staying close to your truth and taking real action. It means:

  • Creating a vision for your life.
  • Setting real goals.
  • Building habits that keep you in motion.

When life has direction, the fog starts to lift, because you’re living according to your nature and not just your ideas about life.

Finally, depression also has physical roots like poor sleep, a lack of movement, processed food, and social isolation which all tank your hormones and sabotage your brain chemistry.

We shouldn’t underestimate the spiritual side, either because when we lose touch with a sense of something greater than ourselves, life feels hollow.

Spirituality (not dogma, but deeper connection) brings humility and meaning and reminds us we’re not alone and that life isn’t empty but full.

The Realness Way to Mental Health: Face Reality, Reclaim Your Connection to Wholeness

Mental health isn’t just about surviving – it’s about integration and becoming whole.

Wholeness doesn’t mean perfection, by the way – it just means that nothing is left out:

Your past, your pain, your purpose – it all gets a seat at the table because that’s how you stop splitting off from yourself and living in a fragmented way.

The truth is that healing isn’t something you wait for someone else to give you – it starts when you stop running and start listening to what’s REAL about yourself, the world, and reality.

Practical Steps to Real Mental Health

Here are some grounded ways to live the Realness philosophy in your daily life and to start improving your mental health:

1. Regulate your nervous system:

Your body needs to feel safe before your mind can heal.

Breathwork, cold exposure, grounding, sleep hygiene, and exercise all help here.

Check out this article to go deeper: Nervous System Regulation for Realness: Finding Your Natural Rhythm

2. Get honest about the mask you’re wearing:

What identity are you clinging to that no longer serves you?

Where are you getting feedback from life that something is off?

That’s your Shadow Dance (the conflict between your ego and shadow self) – once you start dancing to your own rhythm and integrating you will solve a lot of your mental health problems because you’ll be flowing with reality instead of against it.

My book ‘Shadow Life’ will take you deeper: Shadow Life: Freedom From BS in an Unreal World

3. Reconnect to your purpose:

What makes you feel most alive?

What direction could you move in that would challenge and fulfil you?

Purpose doesn’t arrive in the mail one day – it’s about reconnecting to yourself and expressing more of what you find.

This article goes into purpose a bit more: The Tree of Devotion: How to Find Purpose and Direction by Growing What’s Real

4. Honour your emotions:

Sad? Cry. Angry? Move. Grieving? Mourn.

Don’t let emotional pressure turn into psychological pain. Let it move and then whatever you’re feeling will pass (emotions are e-motion, energy in motion – once you feel it, you heal it).

This article might help if you’re dealing with emotional suppression: Emotional Suppression in Men: Why Hiding From Your Own Feelings is Destroying You

5. Spend time in the real world:

Nature. Real conversations. Physical presence.

Unplug.

Your nervous system wasn’t designed for endless scrolling – it was designed for real life and its natural rhythms.

This article will help if you’re struggling with your brain being ‘hijacked’ by the unreal world: Rewiring the Reward System: From Ego Hits to Realness

6. Take real action:

Nothing will change for you without real action. Create a vision, create goals, and cultivate daily habits to help you become who you need to be.

My free 7-day course (with a 158-page workbook) will help you figure out your vision: The 7-Day Personality Transplant System Shock for Realness & Life Purpose

7. Cultivate spiritual connection:

You don’t need religion to feel the sacred:

Reflect. Meditate. Serve others.

Remember in that you’re part of something bigger will keep you humble, keep you flowing, and keep your attention on serving the world instead of just your self (which often creates anxiety and depression).

Your mental health will always be haunted by something if you don't face reality.

Realness & Mental Health: Choose Realness, Choose Healing

Mental health isn’t about chasing happiness or fixing what’s wrong with you – it’s about choosing what’s real. Over and over again.

When you choose realness, you choose to stop hiding and stop fighting yourself; instead, you become who you are and in that becoming, there’s healing.

Stay real out there,

Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

P.S. If this article has resonated with you and you’re interested in coaching, then book a free coaching session with me and I’ll guide you into your own realness and the path of real action that’s waiting for you.

Lessons of a Life Coach: 24 Things I Learned About Life by Being a Life Coach

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Lessons from a life coach

What Life Coaching Taught Me About Being a Human Being

More than a decade ago, I found myself at a leadership seminar in London.

At the time, I was wrestling with a few personal challenges and was seeking some kind of direction in life (though I didn’t quite know what I was looking for at the time and had no idea I would eventually end up working as a life coach).

After the seminar, I received some life coaching for the first time and I realised what a powerful tool it could be for people who knew that there was ‘more’ from life but didn’t necessarily know what that looked like yet.

It wasn’t that I suddenly had no problems but it did help me to start seeing that most of my ‘problems’ weren’t problems at all: they were mainly patterns, habits, limiting beliefs, or gaps in my vision.

What I needed wasn’t to solve everything but to start seeing clearly and taking real steps forward.

That encounter was the beginning of what became a deep, consuming journey into coaching, human behaviour, and what it really means to live well. I was already obsessed with the human condition (I’d studied philosophy at university), and coaching gave me a tangible framework to use the knowledge I’d been accruing to help others – and myself – live more purposeful and REAL (of course) lives.

Not long after, I began writing my first book Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness and enrolled in a diploma programme with the Coaching Academy.

Fast forward to now, and I’ve been coaching full-time for about seven years and every single session has either taught me something new or allowed me to validate everything I’ve learned about the human experience.

Coaching, I’ve discovered, is not just something you do – it’s something that transforms you from the inside out.

This article shares some of the most powerful lessons I’ve learned as a life coach.

Let’s dig a little deeper:

Life coaching is about helping you get out of your own way

1. Everyone Has Untapped Potential

Absolutely everybody has untapped potential and can go deeper and deeper into wholeness and flow in their lives if they go through the process of Awareness, Acceptance, and Action (the process I build my coaching containers around when working with clients).

2. Ego Goals vs Real Goals

A lot of the time people are wasting their lives chasing goals that belong to a completely false identity (ego) that they’ve picked up based on what they’ve been through in the past.

Often, when they start exploring things deeply they uncover a more real version of themselves and their goals change accordingly.

This is a totally normal part of the process in many cases but can be surprising if the Shadow Dance between the ego and shadow self has been intense.

3. Your Power Is in the Shadow

A lot of people’s real power is buried in the shadow self because of years of conditioning that makes them ashamed of who they are and what they really want.

There is some amazing ‘stuff’ in the shadows like a deeper connection to truth (God) and the seeds that need to be sown to live a real life (and we can’t choose the seeds if they’re real, we can just sow them).

The lesson here is that when you get out of your own way, you can start tending to the seeds that you always knew you needed to nurture and grow.

4. You Have More Choice Than You Think

People have a lot more CHOICE in life than they think but a lot of the time they fear this choice because they fear responsibility.

This responsibility almost always threatens the ego and is usually the main barrier to moving forward and getting to where they say they want to be.

When you realise that almost everything you do involves a choice at some level (including reading this article) then it allows you to start taking control of your life.

5. Emotions Are Not Identity

Emotions are really important but they are just emotions:

Our culture tends to put emotions on a pedestal these days but this is a broken strategy because happiness comes from tapping into what’s real and lasting but emotions are always just temporary.

This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t feel our feelings – just that we shouldn’t identify with them.

6. You Can’t Heal Alone or in Isolation

Nobody ‘heals’ in isolation and everybody needs to explore ideas with other people if they want to go as deeply as possible into their humanity.

There’s a myth that we can heal alone (“self-help”) but that will only take us so far as we need other people whether we like it or not.

Being a real human being is about being a relational creature and you only real know if you’ve made progress when it comes to the way that you treat and deal with others.

It’s easy to be ‘enlightened’ when you’ve sequestered yourself off into a monastery or a cave in the mountains or something but real life means engaging with real people and not being unnecessarily bothered by it.

7. Not All Action Is Equal

Action is the only thing that will ‘cure’ anything but it has to be the right type of action.

If it’s just action for the sake of either itself or for the ego then it’s better to actually do nothing until the real path becomes clear.

8. Everyone Has Their ‘Stuff’

Everybody is struggling with something because life is “just one darned thing after another” (as somebody once said).

Even the most successful and powerful people have ‘stuff’ that they’re dealing with and we need to accept that this is the landscape that we’re dealing with if we want to live with the least amount of friction, frustration, and misery.

9. Let Your Results ‘Argue’ For You

The people that don’t believe in you probably don’t believe in themselves (and so they’re projecting that lack of self-belief onto you and your goals).

This is why they will try to talk you out of achieving ‘big’ things or sowing those ‘seeds’ that are already in you and screaming to be nurtured.

There is no point in arguing with these people:

The best way forward is to take real ACTION (not ‘ego’ action) and let your results be your actual argument because nobody can argue with the results you actually get.

10. There’s No Magic Bullet

Human beings are holistic creatures and there’s no magic bullet or panacea for solving all of our problems and getting us where we need to be.

We need to balance all of the moving parts in a real way: calming and mastering the mind, disciplining the body and regulating the nervous system, having a purpose.

Any coach or therapist or [whatever] that tells you that you just need to do one ‘thing’ (like a specific intervention or modality) is selling you something you don’t need.

If you want real change and transformation then it’s always going to be about your lifestyle and overall relationship with yourself.

11. Not Everyone Is Coachable

Not everybody is coachable and this almost always comes down to how attached they are to their ego.

Real coaching will challenge you and make you grow but if you think you already know everything or have something to prove then you’ll just get more entrenched in old patterns.

There has to be a certain degree of openness, curiosity, and courage to even get started.

12. Don’t Dwell in the Past

You don’t need to go poking around in the past to move forward (which is what life coaching and real transformation is about).

Interventions like therapy etc. can actually make things worse (in my opinion) because they just get people to further identify with old stories and the unreal identities that come with them.

The only reason to go ‘back’ is when there’s something you’re still carrying from the past that you need to let go of because it’s an obstacle to progress.

Digging for the sake of digging does more harm than good – you need to dig sometimes but you don’t need to dig up everything.

(Digging too much is actually often a form of self-obsession).

13. Habits Create Your Future

The thing that makes the biggest difference for most people is learning to be focused, disciplined, and consistent.

The truth is that it’s the small things over time that get the biggest results which is why I often encourage my clients to create a Vision, break it down into Goals, and then cultivate Daily Habits.

Your life is changed one choice at a time and so your habits really will change your life if you make sure they’re the habits of the person you’re becoming and that the results compound daily.

Trust: A Manual in Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace

My new book Trust: A Manual in Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace will take you deeper into implementing these kind of lessons and growing real.

14. Use Your Pain

We are all broken in some ways and have battle scars from the things we’ve been through but we also have way more power and potential than we’ve been led to believe.

There are two types of pain: pain that uses you and pain you can use.

The latter is the type that will allow you to find your real life and is actually a gift in many ways because it wakes you up.

(Pain still SUCKS, of course, but if it’s used for long-term good then its a blessing).

15. Don’t Overcomplicate Your Thinking

Being intelligent isn’t just about being book smart:

Some of the most creative and scintillating people I’ve worked with haven’t been traditionally educated (university or whatever) but they have amazing creativity and drive. They also understand the real human concepts that matter without dressing them up in unnecessary conceptual complexity.

Being too complicated in our thinking can make us feel ‘intelligent’ but it can also hold us back because it just gives us more to rationalise and create mental obstacles and stumbling blocks with.

16. Direct Experience Changes Everything

All you need to undo years of conditioning and programming is a direct experience of the truth:

The best way to get this is to put yourself in the flow and start taking real action (by having a vision, goals, and habits).

I’ve seen so many people create barriers for themselves by looking to human design and astrology etc. but this kind of spiritual bullshit just stops people believing in themselves and trusting life directly (and gives them more excuses to keep not being real with themselves).

17. Real Action Crushes Limiting Beliefs

One thing I’ve seen time-and-time-again is that conscious transformation can happen really fast when you start taking real action and get held accountable until it becomes your nature.

This is because real action gives evidence that all of the old stories that once kept us from taking it and becoming who we’re supposed to be were just ‘Gremlins‘ and self-limiting beliefs.

18. Presence Over Pleasure

Learning to give up addictions and distractions will serve you in all areas of life because it allows you to overcome the need for immediate gratification and to start being present in life.

So many people are not present in their own lives because their reward systems have been hijacked and so they’re constantly running on autopilot.

Mastering ourselves at this level makes life much more real because we can actually be in our lives instead of in our heads.

19. One Real Conversation Can Change Everything

A real conversation can truly change your life.

This is because it asks you to show up as your real self, helps you uncover insight, and changes the trajectory of the way that you relate to yourself.

You can change your life in about an hour if you ACT on what you’ve shared and learned in that hour.

20. Emotionally Distorted Thinking

A lot of people don’t believe the truth – they believe what they want to believe because of their own underlying emotional ‘stuff’ and how it distorts their view of things (usually unconsciously).

Once you see this, you’ll see it absolutely everywhere in the world around you (which is unfortunate because the truth really will set you free – even if it pisses you off and makes you miserable first as you let go of your illusions).

21. Conscious Desires vs Unconscious Intentions

If people aren’t living in the way that they want to then it’s quite often (not always) because they have an unconscious intention that outweighs their conscious desires.

An example is that they keep saying they want to lose weight but never do:

In this case, the conscious desire is losing weight and the unconscious intention is to stay the same (because there will be some pay off like avoiding the fear of leaving the comfort zone).

22. Don’t Let Other People Define You

Absolutely everybody will have an opinion about how you should live your life but you don’t have to listen to a single one of them (though it’s often helpful to listen to the real ones).

23. Everything Goes to Plan (If You Let It)

Things ALWAYS go to plan if you have a growth mindset:

It’ can only go ‘off’ plan if you have a fixed identity and a fixed vision.

The truth is that reality is always teaching us things and we can keep growing no matter what happens.

24. You’ll Change on the Way to Your Vision

You can live the life you want but you probably won’t recognise it until you’re there.

The person you become on the way there will be different to the version of you that sets off on the journey. This is because if the journey is real then you’ll let go of anything unreal on the way.

My coaching will make you 'better' at life by helping you grow more real.

Lessons of a Life Coach: Keep it Real

Being a life coach has given me the privilege of witnessing countless transformations and undergoing my own along the way.

These lessons aren’t abstract theories; they’re grounded in real conversations, real progress, and real breakthroughs.

If you’re ready to live your own real life – free of comparison, self-deception, and stalling – and you’ve resonated with some of the things I’ve shared here then maybe it’s time to learn some new lessons together.

It all starts with a single real conversation (if you’re ready to have it then book a call with me).

Stay real out there,

Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

P.S. If you’re interested in experiencing what my coaching can do for you then book a free session with me and we’ll get moving right away.

Ego Trap After Ego Death: Why Taking Off the Mask is Only Half the Journey

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The ego trap after ego death

Taking Your Mask Off When The World is Still A Masquerade Ball

One of the strangest paradoxes of self-work and growing real is that the more real you become, the more unreal the world around you starts to look.

At first, this can feel liberating:

You’ve made it to the other side of your own internal chaos; you’ve peeled back layers of ego, maybe even been through your dark night of the soul, and finally reached a point where you feel lighter, clearer, more ‘you‘.

But then you walk out into the world and it hits you: everyone else still seems to be playing pretend and everything seems so unreal.

Welcome to the bizarre in-between space where you’ve taken off your own mask only to realise the whole world is still at a masquerade ball.

Don’t worry, you’re not dissociated – you just need to go a little further.

Let’s dig a little deeper:

Ego death is not the end of the line but the start of the journey.

From Ego Death to Ego Disillusionment

The journey towards realness – the deep, unshakeable sense of alignment with who you truly are in truth – is rarely neat and often begins with discomfort:

You feel stuck, lost, and held back.

Life starts sending you signals that something’s off.

Anxiety, existential dread, and the compulsive need to impress, please, or perform seem to dominate and cloud your day-to-day experience… You go through the motions on autopilot, all the while trying to outrun the Void but never being able to because you already know deep down that it’s inside you.

At some point, something shifts:

Maybe it’s a heartbreak, a breakdown, a breakthrough – or just an accumulative awareness that stems from honest self-enquiry – but suddenly, you see.

You see that you’ve been living through a filter: a mask crafted out of childhood wounds, societal programming, shame, guilt, trauma, fear, and unmet needs.

This mask of ego, once mistaken for your actual identity, gets exposed as what it really is: a survival mechanism – a filter between you and reality and a buffer between your wholeness and the world.

Having seen the mask for what it is (unreal), you eventually find the strength to take it off.

This is a powerful moment because it doesn’t just bring you a breath of fresh air – it allows you to actually start breathing properly for the first time in maybe your whole life.

You start to move differently, act more freely, speak more honestly. You take real action in your life because you’re no longer operating from the shame-soaked script of your past. You’ve stopped hesitating and you’ve stopped hiding.

You’re finally being REAL.

But here’s the unfortunate twist: when the mask falls, it doesn’t just change how you see yourself – it changes how you see everything.

And, for some of us, that can lead to a whole new journey of discovery.

The Post-Mask Shock: Everyone Else is Still Wearing Theirs

You return to the workplace, the pub, the family dinner table, or the dating apps and suddenly everything feels off:

You notice the small talk that’s covering up pain. The inflated bravado that hides insecurity. The people-pleasing. The clout-chasing. The constant need to be seen, validated, or admired.

You see how deeply people are identifying with their roles, their image, their story instead of anything actually REAL.

You think to yourself the same basic thing each time:

“Oh my God… they don’t even know they’re wearing a mask.”

This is where things start to get dicey because – while it might feel like you’ve broken free – what’s actually happened is you’ve just developed a sharper eye.

You can now discern real from unreal.

You’ve got a nose for ego, and it’s everywhere -and, that, ironically, can become a new kind of trap.

The Real Reason You’re Annoyed By Everyone Else’s Ego

At first, you might feel frustrated or even superior:

“Why can’t people just wake up?” you wonder (like it was so easy for you to get to the ‘wake up’ stage).

You start diagnosing everyone:

She’s stuck in a martyr complex; he’s performing for male validation; they’re addicted to drama.

Everyone’s got an ego… except you, right?

Wrong.

If you’re annoyed by other people’s masks, it’s a sign you haven’t finished your own work yet.

You’ve done well to see the ego because for years because AWARENESS is always the first step and for years it ran the show while you thought it was your true self but the next step isn’t just seeing the mask -it’s learning how to live in a world full of masks without getting yanked back into frustration, judgement, or despair.

This is where many people (my past self included) fall into a weird spiritual confusion:

They think they’re free, but they’ve only transcended one layer which has left them feeling like outsiders. They romanticise solitude; they start confusing disconnection with enlightenment (which is often just a form of spiritual bypassing).

But disillusionment isn’t wisdom – it’s just the bit before it.

Trust: A Manual in Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace

My book Trust: A Manual in Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace will take you deep into the journey of growing real and learning to flow with life instead of against it.

Two Ways Through the Masked World

So what now? If you’ve taken off your mask and experienced “ego death” (even though the ego is unreal so you can’t kill it) but find yourself irritated, drained, or cynical about everyone else’s ego… congratulations. You’re in the real middle of the journey. This is where the real alchemy begins.

At this stage, there are basically two paths forward:

1. Do Your Shadow Work

The first path forward is to look inward again:

If someone else’s ego still triggers you, it’s not just about them and your reaction is most likely pointing you toward something unreal and unhealed in you.

Maybe you’re projecting a part of yourself you haven’t fully accepted.

Or maybe you’re still holding onto a hidden ideal: that people should be more real, more awake, more like you. That ideal might sound noble but it’s still ego, dressed in spiritual clothing.

Shadow work is about integrating the parts of us we still disown – the judgement, the pride, the desire to control or to be seen as ‘more healed’ than everybody else.

If these aren’t met with awareness, they form a new mask which is just the same as any other ego but has more ‘spiritual‘ patterns on it.

2. Give Up Your Unreal Ideals

The second path is radical acceptance:

It’s realising that expecting the world to be any different than it is… is just a new mask.

It’s one thing to take your own mask off; it’s another to stop expecting everyone else to remove theirs just because you did.

The truth is that all people are where they are. Most of the world is running on autopilot – not because they’re ‘bad’, but because they forgot they were born real.

They’ve just adapted to survive – just like you did.

This is where love comes in – not the syrupy kind, of course (that’s ego lol) but the grounded kind:

The kind that sees someone’s mask and chooses to meet them with compassion, not condescension; the kind that doesn’t need to fix, teach, or prove anything.

The True Sign You’re Healing

Here’s the ultimate truth bomb: you’re only really healed when your annoyance is minimal – not because you’re numb but because you’re free.

Free from needing the world to match your expectations; free from mistaking your discomfort for someone else’s fault. Free from chasing constant validation; free from the need to ‘wake people up’.

In this state, you trust reality more than your reaction and can just keep flowing instead of forcing life all the time.

The real test of spiritual maturity isn’t how deep your insights are or what kind of esoteric rituals you engage in: it’s how quickly you bounce back.

It’s in how rooted you stay when someone else’s mask tries to provoke your old one and how well you can stay in flow when the world feels jagged.

That’s real healing and real healing is real power.

Practical Tools for Navigating the Masked World

  1. Reality Check-In:

    At least once a day, ask yourself:

    What am I reacting to and what is it showing me about ‘me‘?

    Write it down and then sit with it to keep discerning the real from the unreal and your realness from the mask.
  2. Ideal Detox:

    Make a list of expectations you have for the world (e.g. “People should be more self-aware“).

    For each one, ask yourself: Is this ideal real or is it just a fantasy I’ve been clinging to?
  3. Compassion Practice:

    The next time you spot someone’s ego at play, say silently to yourself: “They forgot who they are. Just like I did.”

    Feel into that shared humanity because we’re all walking the path from unreal to real – fragmentation to wholeness – to some degree.
  4. Shadow Mirror Work:

    Remind yourself that:

    “Whatever I see in them, I also see in me.”

    Not to shame yourself but to reclaim your power.
  5. Embodied Action:

    Take one small, real action each day:

    Make sure it’s something that bypasses performance and touches a deeper truth – calling someone just to listen, creating without posting, saying no without guilt.
Ego death empties you and love refills you.

Ego Trap After Ego Death: Final Thought:

The world might be full of masks but that doesn’t mean you have to wear yours again.

Once you’ve glimpsed your realness, it’s not about changing the world – it’s about refusing to change back:

Keep showing up, keep doing the work, and, when in doubt, remember: the most powerful thing you can be in a world of masks… is real.

Stay real out there,

Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

P.S. If you’re on the journey of growing real and you’re interested in coaching then book a free coaching session with me today and I’ll guide you into real action and flow.

Downtime Matters: Use It Wisely

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Everything Has An Opportunity Cost – Even When You’re Doing ‘Nothing’

These days, there’s a strange kind of badge of honour in saying things like: “I just want to switch off and binge Netflix” (and sometimes ‘chill’, of course).

Fair enough, I guess – sometimes, we really do just need to collapse into the couch and melt into a human-potatoesque puddle. Life is busy, after all and so you’re probably juggling work, relationships, health, ambitions, and the sheer existential weight of being alive in the 21st century.

When you’ve been giving it your all, some vegetative goblin time is well earned.

But let’s get real for a moment because not all downtime is created equal – in fact, there’s two main types:

1) Downtime that restores and re-aligns you with your purpose

2) Downtime that distracts and drags you further from it.

The opportunity cost of how you relax might just be one of the most overlooked factors in whether or not you’re actually building the life you want.

Let’s dig a little deeper:

Using your downtime wisely will help you make the most of your life.

The Truth About Opportunity Cost & Downtime

Everything has an opportunity cost which basically means that when you choose to spend time doing one thing, you’re saying ‘no’ to something else. Really, this is just basic economics but – when it comes to our time – most people seem to forget this completely.

Netflix, TikTok, video games, endless YouTube rabbit holes – none of these things are evil in themselves but they all come at a cost:

When those things become your default mode of ‘relaxation’, especially if you’re not where you want to be in life, then you’re not relaxing – you’re retreating from life.

Even worse, you’re postponing your growth and – in a roundabout way – trading your REAL life for virtual fluff that can only ever be a pale imitation of the real deal.

It’s not that we need to be ‘productive’ every second of every day – that’s not the point.

It’s that we need to make conscious choices about the way we unwind:

When you’re still on the climb – trying to build a business, find your voice, grow into your potential, or simply feel more real and escape the Void – then numbing yourself with passivity is like putting your goals on mute.

This is why your downtime matters: it can be an opportunity to become who you most want to become.

Veg Out, But Do It Consciously

Sometimes, sure, your body just wants to vegetate:

You’ve been running around like a lunatic all week, your nervous system’s frazzled, and the idea of reading or self-reflecting feels like mental weightlifting. Fine. Honour it. Lay down. Reboot.

Order that pizza, watch something silly, and go full sofa slug.

But let that be the exception, not the rule:

If you’re defaulting to low-effort distractions every night and calling it self-care, then what you’re really doing is giving your time away and devaluing it (and your time, energy, and attention are the most valuable assets you have because you’re going to be DEAD one day).

Worse still, you’re making it easier for those who are serious about their goals to lap you without even trying. Not that it’s a competition or whatever, but very hour you spend in the passive loop of some doomscroll vortex is an hour someone else is using to read, grow, write, build, or serve.

What kind of person do you want to be?

Reading as a Radical Act

Want a better life? Read.

Seriously, make reading your default form of entertainment and insight. I know that sounds almost crazy in a world where we all have dwindling attention spans but reading is probably the best way to turn your downtime into an investment of your time.

Choose a subject you’re drawn to – philosophy, business, health, psychology, spirituality, storytelling, whatever – and get three or four books on it.

Absorb them. Let the pages challenge you. Let them shake your assumptions. Let them plug you into a bigger perspective.

Books contain every major process and breakthrough our species has ever known and most of them are cheap, portable, and far more effective than any overpriced course.

Best of all, they’re yours. No ads. No dopamine manipulation designed to keep you ‘hooked’ and endlessly addicted. It’s just you and the author’s mind – a kind of telepathy that can transcend the ages.

Not only that but reading builds your character, deepens your thought, and sharpens your voice and that voice is what you’ll eventually use to lead, create, or contribute.

Compared to this, watching another season of reality TV feels like eating stale crisps for dinner when you could be having a gourmet meal.

Are You Up or Down the Mountain?

Here’s a bit of a caveat:

If you’ve already “made it” – you’re earning well, your vision’s clear, your life is aligned – then you’ve earned a bit more room to drift, to lounge, to veg out here and there because you’re not just climbing the mountain anymore; you’re surveying and enjoying the view.

But if you’re still on the way up? If you’re still feeling stuck, lost, unfulfilled, or like you’ve not tapped your real potential yet?

Then you don’t have time to waste – pure and simple. Every hour matters and every day that slides by without traction or momentum is another day that your dream is deferred (or maybe even slipping through your fingers completely).

If you’re not at the top of the mountain yet, TV and video games are probably the worst blackholes for your time, energy, and attention; they’re almost never a ‘neutral’ use of downtime because they’re opportunity thieves.

The bottom line is that when you’re in the middle of a personal revolution, passive escapism isn’t rest – it’s resistance to doing what you need to do to grow REAL.

Check out my book ‘Trust: A Manual in Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace‘ if you want to level up, read something that will give you insight, and start taking real action.

Why Insight Beats Escapism

A lesson that’s served me over the years is knowing that INSIGHT is the only thing that can actually change your life.

Not time. Not repetition. Not just trying harder. Insight.

Insight is so powerful because every time you have one of those “Aha!” moments then you’re letting go of old patterns and you’ve made new connections that take you a little bit closer to the truth (which means you’ve raised awareness, can accept things more, and can take better action).

Reading is one of the simplest ways to access that insight because you expose yourself to new frameworks, challenge the ones you’ve held onto, and stretch your mind into new configurations. That’s the stuff that changes you and allows you to transform your life from the inside-out.

Of course, you have to make sure you’re reading high-quality books, but – either way – watching TV, on the other hand, gives you just enough stimulation to feel engaged, without the challenge or demand of transformation.

It’s an illusion of satisfaction – a sedative, not a solution.

The Dialysis Perspective

Here’s something I know firsthand: your time is precious.

At time of writing, I’ve spent 18-years of my life attached to a dialysis machine 3 times a week for 4 hours at a time.

And you know what I do while I’m hooked up? I read. I write. I learn.

Not because I’m so smart or whatever but because I know that when life limits your time, you learn how to use it well.

I wasn’t always this way; I used to waste time like it was free.

But health, purpose, and mortality have a funny way of sharpening your vision and – when you you realise you’re not here forever – every minute counts.

So What Should You Do Instead?

Relax, yes. But relax on purpose.

Rest doesn’t have to mean retreating from life – it can mean recharging within life.

The truth is that it can be deeply nourishing, soul-fuelling, and growth-enhancing to relax and still move forward at the same time.

Practical Steps to Upgrade Your Downtime

1. Audit Your Time:
Track how you currently spend your evenings and weekends and be honest with yourself:

How much is passive entertainment? How much is purposeful presence or growth?

2. Reframe Rest:
Instead of asking, “How can I switch off?” when the evenings and weekends bring you some downtime ask yourself, “What kind of rest actually fills me up?”

A walk in nature? Journaling? Yoga? Reading? Deep conversation?

There’s got to be something that really makes you feel more like ‘You’ so you can take that feeling of realness out into the rest of your life.

3. Create a Reading Ritual:
Set a time each day to read – even ten minutes is better than nothing (and compounds to 70 minutes a week).

Stack it with another habit (like morning tea or before bed), keep a list of books that support your growth, and make sure you’re reading things that challenge your thinking and give you that insight (“Aha!”).

4. Challenge Your Inputs:
Avoid defaulting to the same types of content by exploring books or essays that stretch your worldview. Read outside your comfort zone.

5. Use Tech Intentionally:
Limit your entertainment apps to a set time or use tools like website blockers – don’t let the algorithm dictate your attention and literally suck the life out of you.

(Imagine looking back on your life on your deathbed and all you see is screens and pixels).

6. Decide Where You Are:
Are you still climbing the mountain or already at the top?

Be brutally honest.

Your level of freedom in downtime depends on your level of alignment in life.

If you’re not where you need and want to be, then use your downtime for growth more than vegetation.

7. Define Your Code:
Write your personal philosophy:

What matters to you? What are you building?

Revisit it often and let it remind you that every moment is a brick in the house of your life.

Your downtime can be about reclaiming your life.

Downtime: The Final Word

You don’t need to become some productivity maniac who shuns all fun and ends up being a control freak all the time but, if you want to live a real, meaningful life – one that aligns with your purpose and potential – then your downtime has to support your mission and growth, not sabotage it.

Insight over escapism. Intention over inertia. Realness over routine.

Read more, waste less time, and grow daily.

Stay real out there,

Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

P.S. If you’re interested in coaching and you’re ready to reclaim your time and grow real, then book a free coaching session with me today and I’ll help you start building momentum.

*This article was based on #33: Read / TV in Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness

Building Real Confidence: What Actually Works

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How to Be Confident by Being Real With Yourself and Life

Every single one of us wants to live with poise and confidence – that quietly assured, steady feeling that lets us face life head-on without hesitating, holding back, or second-guessing ourselves.

If you’ve found yourself on this page, then confidence probably doesn’t come naturally to you or maybe you feel like it slips through your fingers just when you need it most.

If so, then don’t worry because real confidence is not some elusive trait only a lucky few are born with – it’s something you build…like a muscle that grows stronger the more you use it.

This means that anybody can build confidence with the right strategy and that doing so is always going to be more grounded and reliable than the usual “fake it till you make it” approach that people are often encouraged to take.

If you’re tired of holding back from your real life, hesitating before taking the next step, or doubting whether you’re good enough, this article is for you.

We’re going to unpack what confidence really is, why it’s more about action than thinking, and how you can start growing step-by-step into your own authentic and lasting confidence.

Let’s dig a little deeper:

You build real confidence by taking real action.

Confidence Isn’t Just a Thought – It’s Real Action

First, let’s bust a myth from the get-go:

Confidence isn’t something you can simply THINK yourself into.

Repeating affirmations in the mirror, telling yourself “I’m confident, I’m confident”, or forcing a smile and striking a power pose might give you a momentary lift but they won’t build real, sustainable confidence that actually transforms your life.

Why?

Because confidence isn’t an idea or an identity you put on like a costume but a state that you earn through doing; it comes from action, from showing up in the real world, from facing uncertainty, stumbling from time-to-time, learning, and then stepping up again.

Think about any skill you’ve mastered – cooking, driving, public speaking, working out – none of those came from just thinking about them. You had to practise, fail, and keep practising.

Confidence works the same way:

The more action you take, the more your confidence muscle grows.

So if you’re waiting to feel ‘ready’ or ‘perfect’ before you take the plunge and allowing yourself to feel ‘confident’ then you’re waiting for a feeling that probably won’t arrive.

Instead, get started with what you have and where you are in reality and build momentum from there.

The Perfectionism Trap: Why Trying to Do Everything Perfectly Holds You Back

One of the biggest hurdles to confidence is perfectionism:

You might tell yourself you need to “handle everything by yourself” or “never make a mistake” before you can be truly confident but this is an impossible standard because literally nobody is perfect.

Perfectionism is often a sneaky way of sabotaging progress before you even begin because staying stuck in the familiar – even if it’s uncomfortable or frustrating – feels safer than risking failure or judgment.

In other words, perfectionism is a form of self-protection but it keeps you trapped in hesitation and inaction.

Real confidence comes from accepting that mistakes are part of the journey; it’s about embracing imperfection and seeing every stumble as a stepping stone to growth by using whatever problems arise along the way as a springboard into letting go of the unreal and tapping into your realness.

The Comfort, Stretch, and Panic Zones: Where Confidence Lives

Confidence comes from putting yourself in the Stretch Zone as much as possible.

Understanding where confidence grows can help you stop freezing in place and living your life in the Void of being unreal:

In coaching, we like to say that there are three different zones of activity:

  • The Comfort Zone: Where everything feels familiar and safe, but there’s little growth. Staying here means you’re unlikely to build new confidence because you’re not challenging yourself and so you just keep repeating the same old patterns.
  • The Stretch Zone: Where real growth happens. It’s a little uncomfortable, but not overwhelming. You’re learning, adapting, and building resilience here as you outgrow yourself and find out what you’re really capable of and what life truly is.
  • The Panic Zone: Too much challenge, too fast. You feel overwhelmed, scared, or stuck and your nervous system gets overloaded. This zone often triggers fight, flight, or freeze responses and doesn’t help confidence grow because you get totally lost in old patterns and outdated identities (that have killed your confidence in the first place).

What you need to know if you’re reading this article is that confidence is built in the Stretch Zone:

The key is to nudge yourself out of comfort without jumping straight into panic by having a clear vision, goals, and daily habits that support your consistent growth over time. This gives you focus and helps you stay in that productive stretch zone. It’s like training a muscle without overdoing it (and the more you do it, the stronger you get as your results compound on themselves).

Managing the Mind-Body Connection: Busting Gremlins and Calming the Nervous System

Confidence isn’t just a mental game – it’s deeply tied to your body and nervous system:

When your mind is busy spinning negative stories – the ‘Gremlins‘ that tell you “you’re not good enough” or “you’ll fail” – it’s much harder to act confidently.

Tools like a Thought Log (where you track and challenge unhelpful thoughts) can help you separate what’s real from what’s your ego’s fearful stories. This way, you learn to focus on what’s real and what you can actually control. There’s a free Thought Log that you can download on this site here (with a video to explain how to use it): Hamster Wheel Thought Log.

At the same time, your nervous system plays a huge role in how confident it’s possible for you to even be in the first place:

If you’re stuck in fight-or-flight mode – anxious, tense, or hypervigilant – it’s almost impossible to feel confident.

This is why learning to regulate your nervous system through breathwork, mindfulness, or gentle movement helps you feel safe in your body. When you feel safe, you stop projecting threats onto the world and start showing up more fully (which allows you to be who you need to be to take REAL ACTION and train that confidence muscle).

The Unholy Trinity: Shame, Guilt, and Trauma

Most people don’t realise that underneath hesitation and low confidence are deeper emotional blocks – almost always the Unholy Trinity of shame, guilt, and/or trauma (in the worst cases).

These feed the ego’s unreal stories and keep you stuck in survival mode whilst also suppressing the shadow self – the ‘parts’ of you that are real, raw, and powerful (and essential for your confidence to flourish).

To grow in confidence, you need to gently face whatever underlying emotional ‘stuff’ you’re dealing with:

This might mean working to cultivate self-acceptance, coaching (book a free call with me), or healing practices like shadow work that help you integrate these parts instead of running from them. When shame and guilt loosen their grip, you free yourself to trust your own worth and abilities and get things done.

My book ‘Trust: A Manual for Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace‘ will help you to start growing real and learning to trust yourself and life with confidence.

Perception Is Projection: Why Confidence (or Lack Thereof) Feels Like It’s “Out There”

Here’s a profound idea based on the work of Carl Jung:

Perception is projection.

This refers to the phenomenon that what you feel inside is often projected onto the outside world and then the world reflects it back to you.

If you’re lacking confidence because of underlying shame, for example, then you might interpret other people’s actions as judgmental or hostile because it’s your own shame that you’re seeing reflected (not the actual views of other people).

That’s why working on your internal emotional landscape changes how you experience the world and helps you to grow in confidence.

Integrating your shadow self – all those ‘parts’ you hide or deny – makes you more whole and less reactive. This inner wholeness creates an outer calm that others can sense, and that feedback loop boosts confidence.

This is often known as the “Boomerang Effect”: what you throw out there is what comes back to you.

Confidence Is a Journey, Not a Destination

If you’re reading this and expecting confidence to grow overnight, think again:

Sure, you can get hyped up for a presentation or a date, but real confidence isn’t just a temporary buzz but a grounded, ongoing process rooted in realness – the authentic knowing that you’re on a journey toward wholeness and constant growth.

A key part of this journey is trust: trusting yourself to handle whatever comes, trusting life to unfold even in uncertainty, and trusting that mistakes don’t define you.

The better you regulate your nervous system and manage your emotions, the easier this trust becomes, and the more confident you will grow as you keep training the ‘muscle’.

Practical Steps to Build Your Real Confidence Today

Confidence might feel like a giant mountain, but it’s climbed one small step at a time, and the sooner you get started, the better.

Here’s a practical toolkit to get you started:

1. Take Action – Start Small, But Start Now

Pick one small step outside your comfort zone today and start shifting into that stretch zone:

Maybe it’s speaking up in a meeting, starting a conversation, or trying a new activity.

Whatever it is, remember that real action beats overthinking every time and every small win builds your muscle and starts giving you evidence that you’re more confident than you first thought.

2. Let Go of Perfectionism

Notice when you’re stuck in “all or nothing” thinking and remind yourself that: done is better than perfect.

Celebrate the work of engaging in the process, not the attainment of flawless outcomes.

3. Know Your Zones

Learn to recognise when you’re in comfort, stretch, or panic zones.

Aim to spend as much of your time as possible in the stretch zone where growth happens without overwhelm.

Ask yourself, honestly: Which ‘zone’ do you spend most of your time in at the minute?

4. Use a Thought Log

Write down negative or fearful thoughts and challenge them.

Replace unreal thoughts with real thoughts by catching those ‘Gremlins’ before they run your day.

Again, you can download the thought log on this site here: Hamster Wheel Thought Log

5. Regulate Your Nervous System

Try simple breath exercises like 4-7-7 breathing: breathe in slowly for 4 seconds, hold for 7, out for 8. Breathe through your nose and repeat as much as necessary or until you feel regulated.

Other options are to take a mindful walk, stretch gently, or practice grounding exercises like yin yoga to feel safe in your body.

All of these activities activate your parasympathetic nervous system which is essential for safety and feeling confident.

6. Face Emotional Blocks

Allow yourself to feel and acknowledge shame, guilt, or trauma. Seek support if needed – through coaching, therapy (if you have severe trauma), or trusted friends. Integration heals confidence and iron sharpens iron.

7. Reflect on Projection

When you feel judged or insecure around others, ask yourself: Is this my feeling being reflected back? Work on your internal world to change your outer experience and to make the most of that ‘Boomerang Effect’.

8. Build a Vision, Set Goals, and Create Habits

Having clear direction helps you focus your energy and stay motivated. Confidence thrives with purpose.

My free 7-day course will help you to create a vision for yourself and your life: The 7-Day Personality Transplant for Realness & Life Purpose

9. Choose Your Tribe

Surround yourself with people who believe in growth, encourage you, and reflect healthy confidence. and realness. Toxic or insecure environments drain your energy and hold you back so get out of them if you can (and make a plan if you can’t).

Remember the sacred mantra: “Gimme something real or GTFO“.

10. Respect Yourself Through Lifestyle

Confidence is supported by daily routines that nourish your body and mind: good sleep, balanced nutrition, movement, and self-care. You can’t feel confident if you don’t feel well so make sure your foundational health habits are in check.

To build confidence you just need to start.

Final Thoughts: Real Confidence Is Realness

Confidence isn’t about pretending to be someone you’re not or wearing a mask of bravado:

It’s about embracing your realness – your true self with all your imperfections, emotions, and power. It’s about trusting the journey, taking consistent action, and growing stronger through every experience.

When you start treating confidence like a muscle and take the steps to strengthen it daily, you’ll find hesitation turning into momentum, doubt into trust, and holding back into bold living.

Stay real out there,

Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

P.S. If you’re interested in coaching and you’re ready to level up your confidence by implementing these strategies and more then book a free session with me and I’ll help you get moving right away.

You Probably Don’t Have ADHD (You’ve Just Been Living an Unreal Life)

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You probably don't have ADHD

ADHD Self-Diagnosis is On the Rise But What If It’s Just a Normal Response to a Messed Up Situation?

In the age of TikTok psychology and Instagram self-diagnoses, it’s never been easier to give yourself a label that conveniently explains away all of your mental and emotional problems.

And the label of choice these days is “ADHD”:

There’s a plethora of videos for your perusal that are available about living with this label and they usually follow a similar script:

Someone talks about how they can’t sit still, how they forget what they’re doing, how they bounce from one tab to another like a ping pong ball in a wind tunnel, or how they constantly feel restless and that they need ‘more’ from life (because they’re living in the Void though they don’t know it yet).

It hits home and so you keep watching. Then you watch another video. And then another one (probably because you have “ADHD”).

Suddenly, the algorithm feeds you a buffet of potential ADHD traits and you catch yourself thinking, that’s me – all of your questions about why you’ve always felt ‘different’ have finally been answered. If only you didn’t have ‘ADHD’ you could finally take a breather and relax.

Nevertheless, before you know it, you’re wearing the label like a badge.

But here’s the thing:

ADHD is a real thing but you probably don’t have it.

That’s not an insult – it’s actually good news:

True ADHD is a legitimate neurodevelopmental condition – it’s not ‘quirky’; it’s not a trend; it’s a lifelong challenge that often shows up in early childhood and deeply impacts executive function, impulse control, and working memory.

It causes real-life disruptions – academically, socially, and emotionally – and can lead to internalised shame, low self-esteem, depression, and major life difficulties.

This article is about how what many people are experiencing today and call “ADHD” isn’t necessarily ADHD at all:

It’s something else – the inevitable outcome of a lifestyle designed to short-circuit your brain.

It’s the natural consequence of living in a world that’s designed to burn-out your mind.

Let’s dig a little deeper:

You probably don't have ADHD - you've just been taught by algorithms to think like a machine.

ADHD vs Burnt-Out Brain

Let’s get real – most people who think they have ADHD are actually suffering from the consequences of living in an UNREAL way:

They’ve made a thousand little ego-driven choices over time that add up to a massive attention deficit – not of the clinical kind but of the kind that can be reconfigured and rewired (with a little effort).

Here’s how it happens:

  • You don’t process your emotions: Instead, you escape into distractions like food, scrolling, shows, and endless stimulation.
  • You outsource your attention: To devices, apps, and unnecessary noise because being alone with your mind feels uncomfortable.
  • You crave control and certainty: So you micromanage everything and burn out your cognitive bandwidth.
  • You say “Yes” to too many things: To avoid guilt or rejection, spreading yourself too thin and running out of energy and drive.

All of these things are unreal choices – in other words, they’re not grounded in truth, presence, or purpose but instead are rooted in fear, avoidance, and conditioning.

Over time, they fry your brain.

Unlike ADHD, however, this kind of burnout is reversible and so you don’t need a diagnosis or ‘label’; you just need to take your life back.

Your Reward System Is Hijacked

Let’s talk about some pop-neuroscience for a moment (not that I’m a neuroscientist or anything).

Your brain has a reward system and dopamine is the main player that drives it to drive you:

Dopamine fuels desire, motivation, and pleasure and – in the natural world – it rewards us for meaningful effort like hunting, solving problems, connecting, and creating things that help us survive (shelter, weapons, etc).

Unfortunately, the modern world doesn’t play fair and so we’re surrounded by social media, streaming platforms, and apps that are literally designed as products to hijack your dopamine system. Every swipe, like, and click is engineered to give you a hit but one that never quite satisfies (so you keep swiping, liking, and clicking which is how they make their money).

It’s kinda evil if you think about it and it leads to you being stuck in a loop:

  1. You get a dopamine spike from whatever is stimulating you.
  2. It drops rapidly after you get an unsatisfying ‘hit’.
  3. The craving for another spike begins.
  4. You stay on the hamster wheel until your attention span is fried.

This loop mimics ADHD traits like distractibility, boredom, hyperactivity, and poor working memory but it isn’t a disorder:

It’s the result of overstimulation and under-discipline.

You didn’t lose your ability to focus – you gave it away, piece by piece.

The way back home is to flip the script for a while and become more disciplined and less stimulated.

Check out my new book ‘Trust: A Manual in Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace‘ which will help you to understand yourself and life in a deep and real way.

Realness vs the Unreal Trap

The philosophy of REALNESS is simple: 1) Uncover the truth, and then, 2) Live the truth.

Sadly, most of us have been living unreal lives where we’ve avoided and resisted the truth because of how it will cause us to face things we don’t want to face in the short-term (if we’ve been avoiding and resisting for a while).

This leads to a situation where we’ve buried our real emotions and hidden them from view, where we’ve traded our purpose for comfort ,and where we’ve swapped connection for validation. This is because we’ve identified with an unreal version of ourselves (EGO) and so the real version of who we are is in hiding (the Shadow Self).

    The bottom line is that the ego doesn’t want you to face what’s real:

    It wants control; it wants shortcuts; it wants to avoid discomfort at all costs and so when you feel mentally fatigued, emotionally numb, and spiritually adrift, the ego starts to whisper: maybe it’s just ADHD.

    Now you have an excuse; now you don’t have to do the work of facing yourself, growing real, and making different choices.

    The real question isn’t, “Do I have ADHD?” The real question is, “Have I been living in a way that betrays my own realness?“

    The Way Forward: From Distraction to Direction

    If this sounds like you then the answer is not another label – it’s a lifestyle shift that helps you return to reality.

    Here’s how you can get started:

    1. Create a Real Vision

    Your brain needs a why and – without it – you’ll just default to doing what’s easy in the short-term, not what’s meaningful overall.

    Your vision should come from your realness – not ego, not fantasy, not social media.

    Start asking yourself questions that cut to the core:

    • Who do I want to become?
    • What legacy do I want to leave?
    • What feels true to me even if it’s hard?
    • What are my real values and how can I bring more of them into the world?

    Write it down, keep it somewhere you can see it and keep checking in with it, and start taking real action.

    My free 7-Day course will help you to clarify your vision: The 7-Day Personality Transplant System Shock for Realness & Life Purpose

    2. Break It Into Goals

    Reverse engineer your vision:

    What would it look like in 1 year? 6 months? This month? This week?

    The brain loves structure and without goals, vision is just a dream.

    With goals, it becomes a roadmap and you can give your brain something REAL to focus on day-after-day as you start building momentum.

    3. Build Habits Around Focus

    Focus isn’t something you find or that you just naturally have – it’s something you train.

    Start training yourself by choosing one small habit to bring into your life:

    • 10 minutes of deep work a day
    • Focusing on one task at a time
    • Keeping your phone in another room when you’re working
    • Etc.

    You reclaim your attention span by reclaiming your choices:

    Every time you resist the scroll and stay present, you win.

    4. Live in Alignment

    You don’t need more stimulation – you need more realness.

    That means making choices that are better for you at every possible level of being:

    • Eating food that fuels you instead of numbing you or putting you in a food coma.
    • Moving your body to feel alive – not just to look good.
    • Saying “No” to what isn’t aligned (“Gimme something real or GTFO“).
    • Facing your emotions instead of running from them (emotions are e-motion, energy in motion).

    Healing your brain means healing your lifestyle.

    More Techniques to Rewire Your Focus

    • Dopamine Detox: One day a week with no social media, fast entertainment, or instant gratification. Feel the cravings and don’t give in.

    • Single-Tasking: Close all tabs. Turn off notifications. Set a timer for 25 minutes and do one thing.

    • Cold Exposure or Breathwork: Reset your nervous system and build boredom tolerance.

    • Daily Vision Check-In: Remind yourself of who you’re becoming.

    • Gratitude Journal: Shift from craving to contentment and it calms the reward loop.
    You don't have ADHD - you've just been programmed by somebody else.

    Conclusion: It’s Probably Not ADHD

    You’re not broken and you’re distracted – you’re overstimulated:

    You’ve been living in a world that profits from your disconnection but you can choose differently any time you like and put yourself back on a REAL path.

    Of course, this isn’t about denying the existence of ADHD and for those who truly have it, diagnosis and treatment can be life-changing.

    But for the majority of us, the diagnosis you really need is this:

    You’ve become a slave to the modern world and your brain has been hijacked (by corporations, mainly).

    The cure isn’t in pills or labels – it’s in realness and in mastery and in the hard, beautiful work of reclaiming your focus, your life, and a relationship with the truth.

    Your attention span isn’t gone – it’s just waiting for you to come back.

    Stay real out there,

    Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

    P.S. If you’re interested in coaching and you’re ready to reclaim your focus then book a free coaching session with me and I’ll guide you back into your real life.

    Being Real in an Unreal World: How to Stay Authentic When Life Demands You Hide

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    Being real in an unreal world.

    Being Real When The World is Asking You to Be Anything But…

    Have you ever felt like you’re living in a world that’s somehow a bit…off?

    Like everything around you – the jobs, the relationships, the endless scrolls through social media – all seem to be more about pretending to be than actually just being?

    If so, then you might be living that type of life that the American writer Henry David Thoreau famously called “lives of quiet desperation” – the sort of life where you’re struggling to find any sense of depth or meaning in what you’re doing because you’re somehow disconnected from it all without really knowing why (most likely because you’re living in a kind of Void).

    This article is about exploring some strategies for dealing with this and staying real in an unreal world that seems to reward conformity and disconnection from anything true or even human.

    We’re about to embark upon a journey into the heart of REALNESS – a philosophy that cuts through the ego’s illusions and the lurking whispers of the shadow self to reclaim your authentic self in an often unreal world.

    Let’s dig a little deeper:

    Being real is about listening to the song that's already waiting to be sung.

    The Quiet Desperation of Conformity

    From our earliest days, we have a simple social survival strategy drilled into our tiny brains:

    Blend in, don’t stand out (or you’ll be in trouble).

    It’s simple but effective and causes the average “lives of quiet desperation” type to hold back and hesitate on who they really are and what they really want for the whole lives long (I read somewhere that the average child hears the word “No” exponentially more than they hear the word “Yes” and this is one of the major contributing factors to this phenomenon).

    It’s a tribal instinct coded deep in our DNA:

    Our ancestors thrived because they stuck with the pack; going rogue often meant death and so we keep quiet about the thoughts, feelings, and desires that don’t fit the group narrative:

    We play the part, we follow the rules, we ‘behave’, and we give into the creation of a ‘World’ that doesn’t really exist because it only truly arises from the interplay of ourselves and everybody else acting in this same self-effacing and unreal manner.

    What’s the cost of giving into this imaginary, unreal world?

    We send who we are in our realness down into the Shadow Territory – a psychological and emotional no-man’s land where our true selves get suppressed so that the ‘parts’ of us that cause us to feel shame or other tricky emotions like fear can be exiled (and not cause us any bother…in the short-term, at least).

    This is why many of us feel like we’re walking through life wearing a mask – constantly adjusting to fit in -always quieting our inner voice to survive socially and professionally.

    The tragic irony?

    Most people around us are doing the same and so this “quiet desperation” is often invisible, hidden behind polite smiles and forced small talk – everybody acts when everything’s fine even though they can’t help but feel that it’s all so unreal.

    Why the World Wants You to Be Unreal

    It’s not some grand conspiracy with shadowy figures pulling strings (well, not exactly) – the reality is more mundane and yet more profound.

    The systems, structures, and collective ideas we call “the world” are human-made constructs:

    Governments, corporations, schools, social media – they’re all designed around control and predictability.

    They want you to think small, hold back, hesitate, and most of all, doubt your real thoughts, feelings, goals, and sense of BEING.

    Why?

    Because an unreal you is far easier to manage:

    When you adopt a fragmented relationship with yourself, you develop a scarcity mindset – constantly worried there’s never enough (money, love, success, recognition, whatever) – and so you become less likely to rock the boat…you stay a cog in the machine rather than a disruptive force of authenticity and creativity.

    But here’s the truth:

    The world isn’t reality.

    It’s a fragmented simulation – a kind of mental matrix – built on our collective fears about survival and death and where our individual and collective egos (defined by the how capable we are of facing our own shadows) have spun a web of stories, structures, and hierarchies to try and tame the wildness of life itself as a form of control freakery.

    This is ironic because what we all seek is real life and life, in its essence, is whole:

    When you tap into this wholeness, you start to see through the illusion – and start being real.

    This is why the way ‘out’ is to always take the next obvious step towards wholeness in your life.

    When Unreal Lives Breed Unreal Environments

    Eventually, living a lie – or a version of yourself that’s been heavily edited to fit in – takes a toll on your energy levels and general sense of well-being:

    The most common way that this shows up is that you might find yourself stuck in a job or a relationship that’s utterly misaligned with your real values and vision.

    At first, this might even be bearable, tolerable, or even comfortable because the ‘unreal world’ often offers the safety of routine and social approval that can keep us locked within a kind of gilded cage.

    It can be tempting to stay in this kind of a cage because it looks so ‘nice’ but the longer you stay there, the more unreal you become:

    There’s an old fable of about lady who kept a beautiful songbird in a cage because she wanted to hear it sing every day:

    She decorated it with jewels and other fine adornments, believing she was giving the bird a luxurious life but, eventually, the bird stopped singing. It lost its voice.

    One day, she opened the cage to clean it, and the bird flew out – landing in a tree outside. Freed from the cage, it sang once more – louder and more beautifully than ever.

    When you grow real, you leave the ‘cage’ of the world and become the bird in the tree.

    Be the Bird: Rediscover Your Song

    This story is a perfect metaphor for the being real in an unreal world:

    The cage is all the ways you’ve been trained to conform, to silence your true self, and to hide in the shadow territory – the parts of yourself you deny or fear.

    The tree outside is the sense of wholeness, presence, and freedom that we can all tune into whenever we learn to let go of all the unreal things we identify with that keep us in the world – the reality where your authentic self can sing its unique song (as cheesy as that sounds).

    But how do you get there and become the bird that escapes and actually sings again?

    Realness and the Ego-Shadow Conflict

    Here’s the tough but empowering truth that will change the way you see things (if you haven’t already read about it on this site).

    There’s a dance going on between your Ego and your Shadow Self – we can call this the Shadow Dance:

    • The ego wants to keep you safe by sticking to familiar patterns, even if those patterns are unreal or self-sabotaging. It keeps you trapped in the cage.

    • The shadow holds the hidden parts of you – fears, doubts, desires, and truths that the ego tries to suppress because it perceives them as threats (usually because of the Unholy Trinity of shame, guilt, and/or trauma).

    Realness requires a radical reconciliation – integration – of these two ‘parts’ of your relationship with yourself:

    You need to become aware of your shadow (the unconscious parts), accept it without judgement, and then take decisive action to align your life with your authentic values and vision.

    This process of Awareness, Acceptance, and Action is central to freeing yourself from the cage (and is the process I use with all my coaching clients who are working to transform their lives in a real and lasting way).

    My book Trust: A Manual in Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace will help you to understand the Shadow Dance (and so much more) in a lot more detail.

    Cultivating Presence: Freedom Before Flight

    You don’t need to immediately break free of your cage to start feeling real. Presence – the ability to be fully here and now – is your first step to freedom (whether you’re in the ‘cage’ or in the ‘tree’).

    Presence means noticing when you’re slipping into unreal habits, when your ego is talking, and when fear or conformity is creeping in – it’s the thread that connects you to your authentic self even when external circumstances feel restricting.

    When you practice presence, you cultivate an inner space where your real song can start to be heard – even if you’re still physically or socially ‘caged.’

    Practical Tips for Being Real in an Unreal World

    Ready to start choosing reality over the world?

    Good. Here are some practical steps to help you cultivate realness in a world that often pushes the polar opposite:

    1. Build Shadow Awareness

    2. Practice Radical Acceptance

    • When you discover a shadow part, accept it fully – no judgment, no shame. Just realness.
    • Remember: your shadow holds valuable truths about what you need to face, accept, and be whole.
    • Remind yourself: I am more than my fears and doubts. They are part of me, not all of me.

    3. Create Your Vision

    • Write down what a real life looks like for you – values, passions, relationships, work.
    • Break that vision into manageable goals and start taking action.
    • Design small daily habits that align with your realness vision. For example, speaking your truth in small ways or carving out time for creativity.
    • My free 7-day course will take you deep into understanding yourself and creating a real vision for yourself and your life: The 7-Day Personality Transplant System Shock for Realness & Life Purpose

    4. Cultivate Presence Daily

    • Start with simple mindfulness: focus on your breath for 5 minutes and focus on breathing through your nose.
    • Use reminders to check in with yourself during the day – “Am I being real right now?” “How present am I?”
    • Notice when you fall into ego-driven patterns and gently bring yourself back to awareness.
    • Learn to regulate your nervous system for realness as this will make the biggest difference: Nervous System Regulation for Realness: Finding Your Natural Rhythm

    5. Find Your ‘Tree’ – Build a Real Support System

    • Surround yourself with people who encourage your authenticity and who can be real with you.
    • Seek communities or mentors aligned with realness – not conformity and the same old, same old.
    • Reduce time spent in toxic or superficial environments that reinforce unreal behaviours.
    • Start to make an escape plan if you are in an unreal environment that simply isn’t for you (this may take time but mentally check out and take the action).
    Being real in an unreal world is an accomplishment.

    Being Real: Your ‘Song’ Matters

    In the great symphony of life, every individual has a unique song to sing and the world may try to silence you, put you in a cage, or convince you to fake it but realness is revolutionary.

    It’s the courageous act of showing up, with all your shadows and light, and daring to be whole in a fragmented world so that you can make the most of your life for yourself and others.

    Like the bird in the story, once you open the cage door and trust the tree outside, your voice will return – clearer, stronger, and truer than ever – so you can be who you already are.

    (Because what’s real is always real).

    Stay real out there,

    Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

    P.S. If you’re interested in coaching and ready to open those cage doors then book a free session with me and I’ll help you create a vision for what your ‘tree’ looks like.

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